A little update of sorts

Hi everyone. It's been a long long time since I have been on here. More like a long time since I felt I had anything to say. This last year has been a really hard year. But I made it through with the help of God and my husband. Still miss Mama so very much and probably always will. But things are getting better. I can talk about her being gone now whereas I could not before.

We have started a new journey in our lives. And this has really been what we needed. We were officially approved as Foster parents on Aug 29,11 and got our first placement last night. A two year old beautiful little girl and you would think she has always lived her, a little sad I guess but I'm glad she is adjusting fairly well.
The kids get along well with her. Not sure how long we will have her but just knowing we are giving her a loving home for now is enough.

Roo started 2nd grade and Rissa started preschool this year and they both love it.

Well that's all for now, maybe I will write more regularly.
Miss you guys.
God Bless

Who Am I Wednesdays?

I Am..

A redhead who can't tan so summer is not my best season.

A bit neurotic.

Quirky

Learning to give up control over everything because I have realized I don't really have control over most things anyways. So I'm trying to leave that to the ONE who does.

Soon to be Foster parent!

A girl who thanks God for her husband and kids almost a hundred times a day because I know they are not to be forgotten.

So WHO ARE YOU?  
Share the good, bad and ugly... it's cheaper than therapy!

God is in the Transitions

I've been away for a while simply because I have not been able to get anything out. I can't talk or even write about the things that are bothering me. I feel them building up but I'm too scared to just let them all go. I rarely talk to friends on the phone anymore. I do believe however it's a funk I am slowly coming out of. But grief often comes in waves and all you can do is ride the wave until you are back on safe ground.

We are in so many transitions right now in our life. Hubby still looking for a job. He has a second interview this week, so please send up a prayer for him. He wants this job, it's a great opportunity but it would require moving out of state, and while we have no (bio)family in the town we live in, it's scary as hell to think of moving.

Maybe it's what we need, what we all need.

We have also been going through foster parent classes and only have one left. I am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for our family as well as for kids who need loving caring foster homes. It's something we have talked about since before we got married.

I just have to keep telling myself HE is in control not me. He has carried us this far and will not turn His back on us nor will he you.

The Beauty and Value of Your Memories-Day 201 and a Picture

I receive these in the mail daily. Sometimes I open them and other times I leave then in my inbox, knowing I will get around to them when I am ready. Some days they help and other days, well other days nothing helps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Beauty and Value of Your Memories - Day #201
Hanging on to the memories is, at first, almost too much to bear. The pain of remembering is too intense, the absence of your loved one too large. But please, don’t push them away.
Just let them alone, for a while. When you’re ready, these memories will be so valuable to you - like precious gems. Take them out, and enjoy them - not just on the anniversaries, and birthdays, but every day. Your heart is large enough to carry them, I guarantee it.
Quotation for the Day
“What is there to do when people die – people so dear and rare – but bring them back by remembering?” - May Sarton


From Latham Funeral Home

Today, well today it helps. I haven't taken out all my memories in the last 7 months. I keep them tucked away in boxes in my mind. My memory boxes, some I can handle, and some are just too hard to take out.

A Special Memory may 2000
I do remember her saying my name Kiesha Michelle. I remember how she told me how proud she was of me for being the first to graduate college. I could see it in her eyes from the stage "That's my girl" she was saying, "We've been through hell, but we made it." I will hold that memory forever in my heart. It's just as far as I can go into that box right now but it's enough.

This is the only picture I'm able to look at right now. It of course looks a lot like me. In this pictures she had the whole world in front of her. It reminds me that I do to. And I can navigate it with her right by my side.

The Dreaded Tax Deadline

I usually do not procrastinate when it comes to filing our family’s tax forms because my husband does our taxes.  He used to do our taxes by hand every year but he has wised up and started using Turbo Tax.  Nevertheless, for you out there that wait until the last possible date to file, just remember the tax deadline of April 18^th is fast approaching.

If even this extended deadline from the usual April 15^th will not be enough time for you to file, you may still seek an extension of time for filing taxes.  Now if you’re like my husband and don’t wish to fool around with IRS tax forms any longer, Turbo Tax will help you file your tax extension form 2010.

Filing taxes is never fun, which is why I have never done our taxes.  My husband would always do them and he now does not mind doing our taxes since Turbo Tax is so easy to use.  It’s so easy that you should not have to file an extension of time for filing taxes.  Use the extension if you need to and use Turbo Tax tax extension form and happy tax time.

My "Off Beat Marriage"

If you are interested in finding out more about my family, you can check out an article that Gleen wrote on her blog Off Beat Marriage about us. She is a great writer and I was privileged that she wanted to interview me for an article.
Thanks Glee!

Something Special to Me & Wearing Red for Ruby Tuesdays

                                   My silly little girl. She puts the

red in my world!

                                                                Join Mary for Ruby Tuesdays.

                                

Straight from the Heart Sunday's

I have to admit, being sick and in bed for weeks on end really makes me treasure every single second when I am well and able to do things with my family.
We have done so much as a family this past week. I have been able to help my husband with the kitchen project I started 3 weeks ago. I was in bed and could not use my hands so that project had to wait. We finally have most of it finished and I LOVE my new kitchen. It wasn't a big remodel, just a little paint, creativity, and a bright new back splash. I love it when I get to accomplish and complete projects.

We went to church together as a family and it was great. There is always that missing part, my mom. It's getting better, I can finally see the light shining through what has been a very dark 6 and a half months. I think it helps that we are redoing some things around the house. I can't explain really why but I guess it helps me to not see her in every room if things are different. I miss her from the depths of my soul and I'm finally feeling a connection to her for the first time. I know she would want me to go on with my life and she taught me to be the best mom. Everything I know about being a mother I learned from her. So her legacy lives on in what I teach my children. I find that to be very comforting.

                                                 Before- while we were doing the prep work.

                                                     
                                                        Painters tape- my best friend.

                                                  

     My baby using the paint sprayer, it's one of my favorite things, c

cuts painting time in half.

  

 Our back splash, love the colors.

Completed back splash

 The ugly brown wood is GONE!

Didn't know I would be posting these or I would have tidied up. :)

It's nothing fancy but I've never had a kitchen that I could make my own, so I'm over the moon about it!
I'm finally finding my footing again, not to say there won't be bad days but I'm gonna be ok.


I miss you Mama, thanks for all the lessons you taught me!

Friday5

Five ?'s for Friday
 1.What’s something you have an unreasonable fear of?
Losing my husband and kids. I'm obsessed with the thought that something will happen to them.

2.What’s something you have an unreasonable fondness for?
Brightly colored finger nail polish, the wilder the color the more fondness for it.

3.What’s something you have an unreasonable disliking for?
onions

4.Who’s most likely to bring out the unreasonable in you?
Anyone who mistreats my husband and/or children.

5.Who’s the least unreasonable person you know?
That would have to be me. : )

Hop on over and join in.
http://www.friday5.org/

Thursday 13

I  decided not to do anything related to St. Patty's day because I just have to be different. ;)




13 Things you may not know about me.

1. I have a yellow rose tattoo on my left shoulder in memory of my father. We both love yellow roses and I did not know that was his favorite flower until he died and my uncle asked me what my fav flower was so we could put them on his casket. I told him I had one but would prefer to put Daddy's fav flower on there and he said it was yellow roses, so I got the tattoo a few months later.

2. I kill plants. It's not pre-meditated. I just can never figure out if they need water or not. So I usually starve them or drown them.

3. I never planned nor wanted to be a stay at home mom. When my son was born I couldn't imagine leaving him with anyone else so it just worked out that way. Now that he is almost 7, I'm glad I was blessed enough to be able to stay at home.

4. I got my nose pierced recently but I had a really bad sinus infection and kept rubbing my nose. I had to take it out for two days and it grew up. :(

5. I got married in Vegas.

6. When I had my daughter I was put to sleep and they took my daughter out and my gallbladder at the same time. I had gallstones and they had to take her 6 weeks early because of it. But she was fine, beautiful healthy little girl. Thank God.

7. Purple is my fav color. I would drown my house in it if my husband would let me. We have to comprise on that.

8. I have no sensor between my brain and mouth. I keep working on it with no success.

9. I met my husband online a little over 10 yrs ago. It was on ICQ. He lived in Los Angeles and I in KY. I moved there for 2 years and then he moved here (KY)  and we have been here for about 6 yrs.

10. I'm directional challenged. Couldn't read a map if my life depended on it.

11. I'm hooked on the reality shows on MTV. It's a secret of mine, guess it's out now.

12. I finally learned to drive a 5 speed at 30 years old.

13. Been married almost 8 yrs and my husband is still the funniest, kindest, gentlest man I know.

Ten on Tuesday, Ten Things I'm Looking Forward To.

Ten Things I'm Looking Forward to this Spring and Summer

1. My Little Man turning 7 at the end of April.

2. Teaching him how to ride a bike this summer.

3.  Seeking and obtaining a closer relationship with God through this Lenton season.

4. Watching my beautiful Little Miss learn Ballet.

5. Spending time with my husband while he is out of work, he makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met. It's good to laugh these days.

6. Spring cleaning, ok I don't look forward to the cleaning but I do look forward to the results.

7. My best friend having her first baby in April, can't wait to know what it is, it will be a surprise.

8. My husband getting a job, I know he will get one and I have faith it will be soon. More than even finacially he is ready to go back to work and really needs to feel like he is accomplishing more than just being here all the time.

9. Teaching both my kids how to swim.

10. My Godson coming to visit this summer.
Anything you are looking forward to?

It's one Hell of a Process

It's funny how things sneak up on you. There have been a lot of things I just have not thought about since Mama died. I think I was blocking all of it because I was not ready to deal with it. Well I guess my brain thinks I'm ready now because today while I was standing in the shower it all came flooding back. None of this had even crossed my mind since Mama died.

Three weeks before Mama died Jose and I had to fly to NE because Jose's dad had to have his leg amputated due to problems with his diabetes. We took Rissa and stayed two weeks. So we were only back home a week before she died. There were no signs, or were there?

I know she had started back to rehab full force while we were gone, it dawned on me in the shower, maybe that was too much for her and caused her to have a heart attack.
I wasn't here to make her slow down, to make sure she was taking her meds on schedule.

While I haven't admitted this to many, I saw signs I think but ignored them. Her doctor said she was fine but she kept losing weight and wasn't eating well. Not really sick as in dying or it did not appear so at the time but in my gut I knew something wasn't right. Why didn't I just trust it, push the doctors to do more tests. She was my responsibility, Kim wasn't here so she was my responsibility and I failed her. I failed her so many times. I just need 5 min so I can tell her how very sorry I am.
But once they are gone you don't get 5 min. You can't make things right and I guess you can't beat yourself up for all the things you didn't do. It will just take me a while to process all of this and get to that point where I don't feel guilty.

Frustrations with my own body and another dreary Anniversary is upon us today.

I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with life. Lately, it's been my health slipping and frankly it pisses me off. I'm 34 yrs old, have these two amazing energetic kids and a husband that has to take care of all three of us.
It's not something I try to put out there thes days. I clean up pretty well and can muster up enough energy for at least one day out a week so people think I'm doing fine physically. I guess it's a pride thing.

It's also a scary thing to me because I can be completely fine, like last weekend we all went to stay with a friend in Nashville. I was able to do things with the kids, go out shopping. I knew it was coming though, I had one good week and weekend but in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't last. I was right. I can't go grocery shopping, unless like I did today and just said to hell with pride and went grocery shopping with my hubby and speedy (wheel chair) as I used to call him when I first got sick. I haven't been driving all that much. I miss taking Roo to school, I miss seeing his eyes light up when I would volunteer there and see him in the hall.

I refuse to be locked up in my room .So I try to make it out to the couch. My legs are getting numb again and that scares me. I go for periods where I can feel my fingers and then all the sudden it comes back.

It does make me grateful for the times I am healthy even if it's for a few hours. a day, or a few days. I'm very impulsive on the days where I am feeling good. I will just load the kids up and we will take off or we will have all day Wii competitions or have a bake off.
I do thank God for those times and I'm praying that those are the things that will stick out in their memories as they grow, not Mommy always being sick.

I have had a seizure last week and it's been a while since I had one of those. They take some time to get over.

I'm sure it's stressed related. The 6 month anniversary of losing mom is today. Well sort of, she died Aug. 30 but there is no Feb. 30 so I'm just going with today. Woman :) you would have to make things difficult, die on my wedding anniversary and then 6 months later have no specific day to call it the 6 month anniversary.
I'm not able to wrap my head around having lived 6 months without my mom. But then again I'm having a hard time connecting with her and I didn't even realize it to a very special friend pointed it out to me last week. I don't feel her around me, I don't feel connected to any of her possesions. I look at her photos and will for a split second  feel something then it's gone. It's then almost like looking at a picture of a friend's mother. I didn't feel quite this way at the beginning. I was very attached to her stuff but now I feel just disconnected. Almost as if it's still all a dream.

I know this post probably makes no sense and that's ok, if you have been around long you know it's all just Kee-speak anyway. :)

I do know I will make it. I am nothing if not a survivor and certainly for my kids and husband I will endure whatever I have to to have them in my life and make their's better.
I know God has a plan, ok truth be told, most of the time I know He has a plan. And I'm trying to stand on that right now.

Please keep me in your prayers, my family and I can use all we can get. I know the power of prayer.

Maybe a happier post tomorrow but I'm just Kee who posts exactly how she feels.  (In need of filter :)

Just go do it for THEM!

I had one of the best weekends I have had since Mamma left. We took the kids to Nashville and stayed with one of my oldest friends. She is actually one of only two people that's in my life that knew Kim.
She also lost her Dad a little over a year ago. We got back in touch just a few months before Mamma died. This is no coincidence. She was there on the most difficult day of my life, when I had to make all the arrangements for Mom, and one of the hardest decisions as to whether or not to bury her with Kim (2 hrs away).
In short Jo is amazing and I have missed her so much. We lost touch when I moved to Los Angeles but God brought us back together just when we needed each other the most.

Moving along to my great weekend. Friday we took the kids to the Art Center and then an indoor play gym. Sat. Jo and I treated ourselves to pedicures. I can't recall the last time I had one. It had to have been over a year ago if not longer. Later that day we took the kids to a birthday party at Jump Zone and that night Jo's husband and Jose went to a Predators game while me, Jo, and the kids went shopping.

I said all of that to say this, while I have done most of the things above since Mamma has passed, I have not enjoyed them. This past weekend I found myself being washed over by a very unfamilar emotion...happiness. I didn't even feel quilty for feeling this way. Let me tell you it felt GOOD. It felt so good to live again, even if just for the weekend, just this week, however long it may last. I felt alive again, not whole because I will never be whole but I was able to enjoy all the blessings I have in my life. I could almost feel Mamma rejoicing, saying "Kee, this is how you should be living your life."

On a different note, I'm feeling very impulsive lately. I went and got a nose ring on a whim. I just woke up one morning and it popped in my head and I found a place and went. Most people who know me know that's not something I would normally do. I have also got it in my head that I want to redo our kitchen. We have lived in this house for 3 years, first home we have ever owned. The only thing we have done to it is fix up the kid's rooms. We were going to then do some home improvment projects but 6 months after we bought the house Mom and DD moved in and remodeling was the last thing on our minds.
Tonight we went to Lowe's and got some paint samples, picked out a back splash design and new hardware for the cabinets. It's not a total overhaul but it surprises me what a little paint and a few personal touches can do to a room.

Speaking of being impulsive, I bought my first highend purse in my entire 34 yrs of life. I also splurged on a couple of nice soft towels and some clothes for myself. Oh and some Ed Hardy perfume, matching bra and panty sets (Yes, I just revealed that). I haven't had expensive perfume since my son was born.
Now some of you might be saying, your husband doesn't have a job and you are blowing money. To that I say, yes, yes I am. Don't worry, our bills are paid and my kids will not starve.

I was analyzing why I all the sudden feel the need to splurge on myself, I have never been comfortable doing this. I can buy all day for others but when it comes to myself I have a hard time buying the Pantene shampoo because I think it's too expensive for just me to use.

I think it's two things but more the second one than the first. First, I very well may be trying to fill a void and I think there is some validity to that. Second, and I really feel this strongly, Mom's death really made me see, more so than any ot the deaths I have experienced in my life, that we don't know when our time will be up. I want to experience things I never have, do things I never thought I would (nose ring). I want to know what it's like to have an expensive purse, to dry off with  Egyptian cotten towels, to wear matching bra and pantie sets all week long. I want to make my house my own, enjoy the paint color, put my stamp on it. I want to experience the world like I never have before. I don't know when I will be called home, none of us do. I'm not advocating for people to go out and get themselves into debt but just to take chances, buy that something for yourself that you have felt quilty about everytime you think about getting it.

Live, live for yourself, your kids and most of all for the people you have lost who no longer have the oppurtunity to do all the things you can. Go out and LIVE while you can.

Lessons for our Children on Valentine's Day and More

My health seems to be decreasing. The last week or so I have not been able to feel my hands and have been in bed most of the time. It makes me really appreciate when I can get up and spend time with my children. I went to my son's school today and helped with his Valentine's party. His face lit up and I thanked God for giving me the strength to be able to go.
I also went out with my little valentine tonight, he took me on a date. He is such a gentleman. He bought me flowers, opened doors and even paid. We are trying to teach him how to treat ladies.

My husband took our daughter out, bought her flowers and the whole nine yards. We want to teach her how she should be treated so she will never settle for less.

It's been almost half a year since Momma left. This grief journey seems to through so many curve balls my way on a daily basis. I face each day not quite sure where it may take me. I can break out in tears at any given moment and be laughing the next. I am starting to feel her with me more and more. I believe that is a gift from God and I'm so very thankful for it.

God has been so good to our family and continues to be. Hubby has not found a job yet but God continues to provide. He has a second interview on Wed. of this week. Please send up a prayer for us.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Let's Take off our Grief Masks

I haven't known what to blog about these days. I don't always want my life to sound so sad and depressing but I do feel the need to blog.

I've come to find that everyone is there right when you lose  someone, they gather around you and comfort you the best they can.

However, when months have passed they seem to disappear or just stop acknowledging the loss. It could be they don't want to bring it up because let's face it no one grieves the same. And really your world is the one that came crashing down that day and will never be the same. Their world,well their world, has been left pretty much untouched.

Speaking for myself, it almost makes me want to hide my grief. At times I feel ashamed, ashamed I haven't gotten through this process sooner.
When I see others who have lost a part of themselves and seem to be doing great it makes me feel incompetent. I think grieving would be easier if we just all took off our "masks" and let each other see what's under there. I know we would all learn a lot.

So for now, part of my blog will be about the real journey I am taking. It's not going to be depressing or wow is me posts. Just real honesty straight from my heart.

Who knows maybe someone will come by and think to themselves "Wow, I'm going through the same thing and it's just a normal part of grief."

"Healing is impossible loneliness;it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation."
                                                                                               Wendell Berry

My Life as We Speak

I've continued living. On the outside my life now looks normal, well as normal as it ever has. I can go through my days now, figured out for the most part how to fill the wholes, the parts Momma left. However, what you don't see is that every minute of every day, I am aware of this empty, aching hole in my life. I may never mention it, close friends may see a glimmer, if that.
But it's still there. I think about how my life has been completely and utterly changed forever while standing in line at the grocery store or waiting to pick up the kids.

I know that in exactly 42 days my mom would be turning 62. She would be telling me what present she wanted and making sure I didn't forget her favorite ice cream cake.

I know tomorrow the Mass Intentions are for my Mom. I am honored by this but also wonder if everyone will be looking around just to see how far I have come in my grief journey. Is she still angry, still broken hearted, or has she pulled it together "for the sake of those kids?"

All I can say, is I'm farther in the grieving process that I was 5 months ago but maybe not as far as some think I should be. I'm honest with myself and with most everyone else about where I stand.

I get up everyday, take a shower, brush my teeth, play with my kids and have even started cooking again(this was a big one) I cooked for mom the night before she died and had not cooked until this month.
I can look at her pictures, something I couldn't do until recently as well.

As I have learned in my other grieving experiences there will come a day, it may hurt a little less, a day when it's not at the fore front of my mind. However, that road is far far away. Right now I will keep my goals in sight even if they are little things that get me through the day.

Today...

...I smiled even though my heart is still broken.

...I realized the 30th of this month will be 5 months since she passed but it seems like 5 years.

...I tried to figure out what exactly God wants me to do at this time...but I'm clueless. I guess He will let me know in His time.

...I looked at my son for a really long time and realized he must have grown a foot and I haven't even noticed.

...I looked in my daughter's big brown smiling eyes and silently promised her that we will get through all the storms that are raging in our lives right now.

...I made it through and will continue to look for that shimmer of light once again tomorrow.

Blog-In process of change!

Just like me I suppose. Those of you that have been around a while know that when I change the look of my blog it takes a while for me to decide on something. I'm pretty sure it will take even longer at this point because decisions of any type make me almost hyperventilate lately.

Things are going day by day. This last month has been good because we had taken in three small kids so they would not go into foster care. It refocused the house and gave us something to keep our mind off the void that Mom has left. Plus, we already loved them and was happy we could help out. They are now with a family member.

What it did do was show us that becoming Foster parents is something we certainly want to do somewhere down the line. We have talked about it for years but now we know for sure.

Who Am I?

I AM...
* A woman learning to live in this world without her mother.

* Getting more obsessive by the day about...everything.

* A woman so very grateful for and appreciative of the man I share my life with.

* Someone who is beginning to see the tiniest glimmer of light in a life that has been very very dark for months.

* A 34 yr old still finding her way and trying to just roll with the punches.

* Blessed to be apart of this small but amazing family.

Trying, hanging by a thread, but still holding on to hope.

I'm not sure where this path is taking me. I feel like the weight of all this stress may just crush me but then I remember my kids and know I have to continue on. Jose still has not had any luck with his job search. It seems like we get so close only to have the hope snatched away.  I want to trust and I'm trying. God has gotten us this far. It just seems like everything that could go wrong has. I know it could be a lot worse. I have to focus on the positive, the blessings in my life.

I'm not feeling well today physically. My body won't seem to do all the things my mind and heart want to do. I'm hanging in there, at times by a thread, but still hanging on.

Missing you Mama

It's Jan. 3rd. Entering a new year without you Mama has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. I  miss you, I need you. I feel lost because without you here to get everything in order and plan things, give me your advice on everything at any given time. I've never not had that and I find myself stumbling through the days without a clear direction.

Ruben's not sleeping well, he woke up Sat. night and with huge tears in his eyes, he said " Nana really isn't coming back is she?" Through tear filled eyes I picked him up and whispered "no baby she's not coming back."

I wish I could go back and change the night you left us. I wish I had one more minute just to tell you what a wonderful mother you are and just how much I love and appreciate all the sacrifices you made for me and Kim.

I can finally look at your pictures whereas before I couldn't bear to. Now I find some comfort in them.

My heart aches for you.

Forever in my thoughts and heart,

Kee