Monday, August 31, 2009

Multitude Monday 1-5

holy experience

I found this blog today, Holy Experience, and it's great for everyone to do but with what I have experienced the last few months it means even more to me. I have a long way to go to get to a thousand, but it's just part of my journey.

My goofy best friend, father of my children and love of my life.

That I rarely have to use Buddy much anymore.

That my mom lives with us and gets to see her grandchildren on a daily basis.

That my son knows Who to go to even if it is just about how to assemble a necklace.

My Starbucks Frappuccino that I start my day off with, that and a prayer of course. ;)

If you would like to share your gifts with everyone hop over to Ann's.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Aug 30, 2003, Our Not so Traditional Story

On this day six years ago at around 2:00 in the afternoon in Los Vegas, NE. my life took a change in a direction that I never thought it would.

You see in June 2000 I met this man, online of all places, who lived thousands of miles away and in a total different world from what I was used to, Los Angeles, CA. I'm a southern girl born and breed.

We met through an instant message system, ICQ, not sure if it is even still around. We chatted online and talked for hours on the phone for six months. We finally met face to face Dec. 29,2000 in Nebraska which is where his family lives. He lived in LA and I in KY. I thought NE was a compromise.

In Aug 2001 he came to KY to meet my mom. She was completely against it and though I was 25 there was no way her baby was moving to LA with a stranger. But all it took was for her to meet him and she knew what I had knowm from the beginning. She cried when she told me that when I was a baby she would rock me and pray over me to find a good man that would treat me well and in no way abuse me. Mom said with just one meeting God gave her the peace that Jose was that man even though she would rather we be with her and have done things a bit differently.

My friends thought I had lost my mind, one I was a small town girl moving to LA, CA and two I was veering off my plan. See, I had this plan that when I finished college got a decent job and turned 25 I was going to adopt or at least become a foster mom. I was a social worker after all so it all seemed to be going according to plan, my plan that is. Marriage was not in my plan in any shape or form, I associated it with heartache, divorce and children caught in the cross fire from my own experience as a child of divorce.

But after meeting and falling completely head over heals in love I left my mom and a very good job and moved to Los Angeles in Feb 2002.

I knew he was the man I would marry, I always thought that sounded so cheesy before it happened to me.
He proposed at Thanksgiving dinner in 2002 in our one bedroom apartment in front of four of our friends. We all went around the table stating what we were thankful for and he went last and came around to where I was sitting and dropped to one knee and proposed.

So we begin to make wedding plans for Aug 2004 to be held in KY.

But the wedding just seemed to get bigger and bigger and that's not what we wanted.
In July 2003 I became sick and had to go into the hospital. They weren't sure what it was. I have a feeling it is whatever is going on now. Well he was scared to death and they would not let him go back to see me because he was not my husband.

After I got out of the hospital, he sat me down and said he thought we should go ahead and get married as soon as possible. He did not want to take the chance of something happening to me without him getting to be my husband.

I was a bit shocked. Vegas had never really been my dream wedding. But truth be told I would have married him anywhere, anytime.

But I did not want to have any regrets down the line or wish I had a traditional wedding. So we made a list of what was important to us.

  • I wanted a dress, nothing fancy but something that looked like a wedding dress.

  • He wanted a tux.

  • We had to have our closest friends there. the ones that could attend on such short notice, 10 + attended. (family was unable to come) We planned this in three weeks.

  • We wanted to write our own vows.
  • We both were crying in this picture.

  • We wanted a reception (in our hotel suite), and wedding cake. My other best friend could not make it but painted this beautiful cake topper as a wedding present to us.

  • I wanted flowers, which my maid of honor, Mee Mee made from flowers bought from Kroger the day of. Oh and I refused to were shoes, you can click on the pic to get a better view. I only wore white sequins flip flops then took them off as soon as we stepped in the chapel.

  • Mee also made our wedding favors.

    I can honestly say there is not a thing I would change about our wedding. It was perfect. We both were a bit sad that our parents couldn't come but maybe that was a blessing in disguise.

  • Six years and we have went through so many things, from having our first child in Los Angeles in a one bed room apart with no family around and not knowing what the heck we were doing, to almost losing his sister to a brain tumor 3 months after Roo was born. Moving to KY with a baby, and two screaming cats in the air plane cabin with us, working out our inter-faith marriage, a very difficult pregnancy with our 2nd child who had to have an operation at 10 months at age, moving my bed bound mother and aunt in with us this year and now to my illness. And a whole list of other things that has made our marriage stronger and taught us that we have to put God then our marriage then our children first. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work sometimes but divorce is just not an option for us.

    We are totally opposites and that works well for us. He is calm, cool and collected. I am high strung, short temper, and find it hard to forgive sometimes. He keeps me grounded and I bring a lot of spontaneity to the table.

    So Happy Anniversary Baby!

    I am working on my next living post and will have it up Monday or Tuesday, so stop by and look for that.

    Night friends, it's 4 am here and I will be having to get the kids up for church in a few hours. Hope you all enjoy your Sunday.

    Thursday, August 27, 2009

    Blog of Contradictions

    Sometimes I feel as if this blog is one of contradictions. One day it's a happy hopeful post and then the next it's me complaining, tired of fighting my body, fearful of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

    But it's honest. And I think anyone who has dealt with this kind of thing can relate, or at least I hope it's not just me.

    My good days are really good and my bad days are really bad.
    I have been volunteering at Roo's school two days a week in preschool. The teacher understands my limitations and always makes sure I don't over do it.

    Well the principal informed me that the office may need my help from time to time, which is fine with me. It's been great just feeling like I'm accomplishing something other than house work and wonderful to see Roo's face light up when I see him in the halls.

    But today the main office Assistant was out so it was just me. Well I had to deliver mail to all the class rooms, answer the phone, play nurse, type a lot, and do a little bit of everything. It got really bad and hubby had to bring my meds to me.

    I didn't let anyone know, except for telling them I was checking roo out 30 min early and going home once the office assistant came back because I wasn't feeling well. I just didn't let them know how bad it was.

    I was able to drive us home and collapsed on the bed and had a mini seizure. That wasn't really the worst for me. It was knowing that I can't do the simple task such as run an office for a couple of hours. It's the fear that I will be confined back to this house, to my bed.

    I want to be involved in Ruben's school activities, the PTO, the Fall Festival, all the things I dreamed about when I thought about having kids.
    I couldn't even go to his first soccer practice tonight.

    So I did what any woman would do, curled up with a bar of chocolate, there was no ice cream in the house, and cried and cried and then cried some more. A pity party I guess you would call it.

    I hate not knowing and the ups and downs of this illness.

    I know God hears me but I'm feeling like I did a while back that my prayers aren't getting through. I do cherish the days when I get to LIVE fully with them but I guess that makes the days when I don't even harder because I know what I'm missing.

    Anyway, if you feel so lead please pray. I need peace and to know that it won't always be like this and even if it is HE will give me the strength to handle it.

    Wednesday, August 26, 2009

    Happy Birthday to the Funniest and Most Honarable Man I know

    Today my honey turns 37, he's not happy about that but I am trying to convince him that 37 is in no way old.

    Our anniversary is on Sun. and I have a post I am working on for that. God brought us together from many miles apart. And has seen us through so much in our 6 years of marriage.

    But this post is dedicated to his birthday. I made him a German chocolate cake, his favorite, no one has to tell him it came out of a box, Shhhh.

    I also slow cooked a roast which he loves. I wasn't able to make his favorite Mexican dish, Posole, which is what I usually make on his birthdays. But just did not feel up to it today. But I was able to pull off a cake and a meal and I'm so happy about that. I woke up feeling not so well, but pushed through to make this special for Hubby and the kids.

    My hubby did not grow up celebrating birthdays where as my family always did. So I want to be sure to make every birthday memorable. He should definitely remember this one, he got an IPhone, I saved up for months. I gave it to him last week. I can't keep a secret to save my life.
    Happy Birthday Honey, I love you with all my heart in the good times and the bad. Thanks for taking such good care of me.

    Saturday, August 22, 2009

    LIVING (Special Post I Promised)

    Since becoming sick in April of this year, I have had a lot of time to think about what living REALLY Living means. When you wake up each day not sure how you are going to feel, if you will be able to walk across the floor, if you will have seizures or be in severe pain all day, it changes you in a way that is hard to explain.

    You want to make the most of the days, hours and sometimes even just the moments that you feel good.

    I think I have finally come to a place where I have stopped being angry at God, at the doctors, and even at myself. While they can't figure out exactly what is going on with my body, some of the medicines are working.

    And the biggest thing of all is I have decided to start LIVING like never before and I will dedicate a post each week to it even the if I don't feel like it that week, I will find something GREAT to post about.
    I will start enjoying the small things more and documenting them here in writing and with pictures.

    So my LIVING post for this week is more in pictures.

    Hubby and I got up at 8am on sat and went to get our hair cut. We grabbed breakfast and brought it home for everyone. We then took our two rug rats and our dog Toby to the park.

    And I PLAYED with my kids. I climbed with them, I went down the slide with them, I swung on the swings with them. It has been six + months since I have done any of that with my kids.

    Today I Lived.

    Wednesday, August 19, 2009

    Hopefully Waiting

    I did not write this but I very well could have. I feel every word of this from time to time when my symptoms come back and take over my life. And some of you out there may feel the same. Thank God that my good days in the last month have far out numbered and outweighed my bad days.

    Hopefully Waiting

    Day after day she asks herself,
    Why does it have to be?
    She sees others that are healthy
    They're living her fantasy
    Working, buying homes, raising families
    All the things she’d be at thirty-three
    Instead she spends her days searching the net
    Searching for every cure in the alphabet

    Until she finds it, she'll keep hopefully waiting

    Hopefully waiting for the day to come
    When they’ll find the answers and she can become
    The girl she used to be before this heartache, can’t ya see
    That girl is lost somewhere, but she’s waiting to be free
    But for now she’ll keep hopefully waiting

    Everyone says she must have faith
    She's given no more than she can take
    She's got to remain strong and brave
    For the life she wants to make
    She tries hard to believe that better days are ahead
    Then the pain hits her so hard and then she forgets
    She prays someday they’ll have the wisdom to say
    We know how to heal you, so don't you dismay

    But until then, she’ll keep hopefully waiting

    Hopefully waiting for the day to come
    When they’ll find the answers and I can become
    The girl I used to me before this heartache, can’t ya see
    That girl is lost in me, but she’s waiting to be free
    But for now I’ll keep hopefully waiting

    This battle is not over yet
    Not till God says it is
    Somehow she will get through this
    She’ll find a new road to take
    Then, if it doesn’t last, she will not forsake
    The doctors say it’s tentative and not guaranteed to cure
    But, she won't let them take away her hope
    Her strength to endure
    She's gonna keep hopefully waiting
    Hopefully waiting for the day to come
    When she’ll have the answers and she’ll be the one
    To win this battle she never wanted to fight
    But for now, she’ll keep hopefully waiting, hopefully waiting, waiting
    For that day is in sight

    Author Unknown

    Tuesday, August 18, 2009

    The Truth

    Ok, so I would rather write about how wonderful life is right now but this blog is about being honest, and I'm just not a good liar.

    So here it goes,
    I'm tired, so very tired.

    ...tired of the pain, the tremors, and the seizures.
    Tired of not knowing if I will be able to use my legs when I wake up every morning.
    Frustrated that I can't play with my kids the way I want to. That I can't be the wife I want to be, that I can't grocery shop and plan meals and cook for my family.

    Frustrated that when I went to Roo's school to volunteer I had to go in another room because I started shaking and had to be watched by someone until it was under control.

    I know it could be worse and I know it will get better. I do have good days and I am so grateful for those but the bad days leave me exhausted, frustrated, and just so very tired of it all.

    Friday, August 7, 2009

    Friday Fill-ins #134

    Friday Fill-Ins

    I just found this site and decided to mix it up with what I post from week to week. So that I will have something to post on weeks when I don't feel like putting sentences together. And this was kind of fun. I started with last weeks since I haven't done this before.
    1. Epilepsy is not the end of the world.

    2. Sitting here, listening to the sound of rain falling, I could listen to it forever.
    3. Chocolate tastes so good!

    4. Sometimes, putting others first is comforting.

    5. My kids sleeping is breathtaking, really.

    6. Well, maybe there is happily ever after.

    7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending one on one time with my 5 yr old who just started kindergarten, tomorrow my plans include a fundraising breakfast at hubby's work and Sunday, I want to got to church and take the kids to IHOP after!

    Wednesday, August 5, 2009

    Can I Just Say...

    *This week had not been going very well and it's only Wed. Hubby has been sick since Friday and I finally took him to the care center on Monday, which made me realize just how sick he was because he never goes to the doctor. Of course we don't have insurance so that is just more bills to add on to what we owe on mine.

    *They think he has strep throat, a strand that they can't test for. Which makes no sense to me but whatever.

    *I had a seizure yesterday, first one in almost a month. Which was a mess because hubby is so sick and can barely get out of bed and my aunt thinks feeding my kids lunch and dinner means throwing animal or cheese crackers at them.

    *Ruben started Kindergarten today. Hubby was too sick to go with us so I took him. I have a post I am working on about that and will try to post it later today. Let's just say I was a mess, he will do fine and it's something every mother goes through but when you send your first born off to kindergarten it seems like the hardest thing ever.

    *I'm supposed to volunteer at his school two days a week to pay for his tuition but they just got a new principal and everything is up in the air so I don't know if I will even be able to volunteer. The class I wad going to be an aide in only has 9 kids as opposed to last year when they had 26.

    *On top of all of this I'm PMSing, sorry if TMI, but I'm starting to hold nothing back on this blog and that feels good, even though it might come back to bite me in the butt.

    Monday, August 3, 2009

    Encouragement, Blog Hop

    This weeks blog hop is to post something encouraging. I chose two pictures with short stories behind them.

    The first picture is of my first meeting with my son Roo, my first born. I had to have a c-section because of my car accident. It turned out to be an emergency c-sec because of my blood pressure, but he was only a week early.
    I was so overjoyed as all moms are when seeing their baby for the first time but this was extra special because I had been told earlier that I would never be able to have kids due to my accident at 16, you can read more about that here and here if you wish. So I pretty much believed the doctors and never thought I would hold my own child in my arms.

    He was born with no complications on April 23, 2004. His name, Ruben Mateo, means Behold a Son, a Gift from God.

    This second picture is my first meeting two years later with my baby girl 6 hours after she was born.

    I had a very complicated pregnancy and her Due Date was Dec 18 but they had to take her on Nov. 28. They also had to remove my gallbladder at the same time because it was full of stones and they told me she would be put on a respirator and the doctor would never really answer my questions about if she would be ok or not.

    I was put completely under, which they did not tell me they would have to put me to sleep until right before they rolled me into the OR. There were no cameras allowed because they had to do it in the big OR and not on the OBGYN floor.

    Hubby did get to be with me but went up with the baby after she was born.

    In the recovery room, no one would tell me how my baby was, they kept saying I needed to rest. I was sure something was wrong or that maybe she didn't make it. So about 6 hours later they rolled me up to the OBGYN floor and I kept asking how my baby was, assuming the worst. The nurses did not know I had not seen her so they quickly brought her in and this was the shot of me seeing her for the first time. I kept saying saying "She's so beautiful" and did the ugly cry.

    She had minor complications and had to have surgery at 10 months for a cyst on her throat. But she is a happy, healthy, sassy two year old now and you would never know she had any problems.

    So my encouragement to others who have heard from doctors that they can't conceive or that something will be wrong with their babies is that it's in God's hands. I don't understand why some live and some don't but I trust that He knows best and it's in HIS hands.
    And most importantly how God brings beauty from ashes. Just when you think you can never be happy because all of the baggage you carry from your past, God gathers the ashes and makes something incredible out of them.

    This week's Blog Hop is your favorite quote, spiritual passage , life lesson, saying, PHOTO or encouraging thought. Post your favorite or most meaningful, and then include a sentence or two about what it means to you personally, and how it can encourage other people in their lives.

    Begin Blog Hop -->
    MckLinky Blog Hop

    Sunday, August 2, 2009

    My Life in Pictures Challenge, Cruisin

    This week I'm participating in Amber's picture challenge over at Everything Except the Grill.

    Now I'm a rookie at photograhy and only have a point and shoot camera. The good pics that I do get are only because I have adorable subjects. No, I'm not biased at all. :)