Monday, February 28, 2011

Frustrations with my own body and another dreary Anniversary is upon us today.

I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with life. Lately, it's been my health slipping and frankly it pisses me off. I'm 34 yrs old, have these two amazing energetic kids and a husband that has to take care of all three of us.
It's not something I try to put out there thes days. I clean up pretty well and can muster up enough energy for at least one day out a week so people think I'm doing fine physically. I guess it's a pride thing.

It's also a scary thing to me because I can be completely fine, like last weekend we all went to stay with a friend in Nashville. I was able to do things with the kids, go out shopping. I knew it was coming though, I had one good week and weekend but in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't last. I was right. I can't go grocery shopping, unless like I did today and just said to hell with pride and went grocery shopping with my hubby and speedy (wheel chair) as I used to call him when I first got sick. I haven't been driving all that much. I miss taking Roo to school, I miss seeing his eyes light up when I would volunteer there and see him in the hall.

I refuse to be locked up in my room .So I try to make it out to the couch. My legs are getting numb again and that scares me. I go for periods where I can feel my fingers and then all the sudden it comes back.

It does make me grateful for the times I am healthy even if it's for a few hours. a day, or a few days. I'm very impulsive on the days where I am feeling good. I will just load the kids up and we will take off or we will have all day Wii competitions or have a bake off.
I do thank God for those times and I'm praying that those are the things that will stick out in their memories as they grow, not Mommy always being sick.

I have had a seizure last week and it's been a while since I had one of those. They take some time to get over.

I'm sure it's stressed related. The 6 month anniversary of losing mom is today. Well sort of, she died Aug. 30 but there is no Feb. 30 so I'm just going with today. Woman :) you would have to make things difficult, die on my wedding anniversary and then 6 months later have no specific day to call it the 6 month anniversary.
I'm not able to wrap my head around having lived 6 months without my mom. But then again I'm having a hard time connecting with her and I didn't even realize it to a very special friend pointed it out to me last week. I don't feel her around me, I don't feel connected to any of her possesions. I look at her photos and will for a split second  feel something then it's gone. It's then almost like looking at a picture of a friend's mother. I didn't feel quite this way at the beginning. I was very attached to her stuff but now I feel just disconnected. Almost as if it's still all a dream.

I know this post probably makes no sense and that's ok, if you have been around long you know it's all just Kee-speak anyway. :)

I do know I will make it. I am nothing if not a survivor and certainly for my kids and husband I will endure whatever I have to to have them in my life and make their's better.
I know God has a plan, ok truth be told, most of the time I know He has a plan. And I'm trying to stand on that right now.

Please keep me in your prayers, my family and I can use all we can get. I know the power of prayer.

Maybe a happier post tomorrow but I'm just Kee who posts exactly how she feels.  (In need of filter :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Just go do it for THEM!

I had one of the best weekends I have had since Mamma left. We took the kids to Nashville and stayed with one of my oldest friends. She is actually one of only two people that's in my life that knew Kim.
She also lost her Dad a little over a year ago. We got back in touch just a few months before Mamma died. This is no coincidence. She was there on the most difficult day of my life, when I had to make all the arrangements for Mom, and one of the hardest decisions as to whether or not to bury her with Kim (2 hrs away).
In short Jo is amazing and I have missed her so much. We lost touch when I moved to Los Angeles but God brought us back together just when we needed each other the most.

Moving along to my great weekend. Friday we took the kids to the Art Center and then an indoor play gym. Sat. Jo and I treated ourselves to pedicures. I can't recall the last time I had one. It had to have been over a year ago if not longer. Later that day we took the kids to a birthday party at Jump Zone and that night Jo's husband and Jose went to a Predators game while me, Jo, and the kids went shopping.

I said all of that to say this, while I have done most of the things above since Mamma has passed, I have not enjoyed them. This past weekend I found myself being washed over by a very unfamilar emotion...happiness. I didn't even feel quilty for feeling this way. Let me tell you it felt GOOD. It felt so good to live again, even if just for the weekend, just this week, however long it may last. I felt alive again, not whole because I will never be whole but I was able to enjoy all the blessings I have in my life. I could almost feel Mamma rejoicing, saying "Kee, this is how you should be living your life."

On a different note, I'm feeling very impulsive lately. I went and got a nose ring on a whim. I just woke up one morning and it popped in my head and I found a place and went. Most people who know me know that's not something I would normally do. I have also got it in my head that I want to redo our kitchen. We have lived in this house for 3 years, first home we have ever owned. The only thing we have done to it is fix up the kid's rooms. We were going to then do some home improvment projects but 6 months after we bought the house Mom and DD moved in and remodeling was the last thing on our minds.
Tonight we went to Lowe's and got some paint samples, picked out a back splash design and new hardware for the cabinets. It's not a total overhaul but it surprises me what a little paint and a few personal touches can do to a room.

Speaking of being impulsive, I bought my first highend purse in my entire 34 yrs of life. I also splurged on a couple of nice soft towels and some clothes for myself. Oh and some Ed Hardy perfume, matching bra and panty sets (Yes, I just revealed that). I haven't had expensive perfume since my son was born.
Now some of you might be saying, your husband doesn't have a job and you are blowing money. To that I say, yes, yes I am. Don't worry, our bills are paid and my kids will not starve.

I was analyzing why I all the sudden feel the need to splurge on myself, I have never been comfortable doing this. I can buy all day for others but when it comes to myself I have a hard time buying the Pantene shampoo because I think it's too expensive for just me to use.

I think it's two things but more the second one than the first. First, I very well may be trying to fill a void and I think there is some validity to that. Second, and I really feel this strongly, Mom's death really made me see, more so than any ot the deaths I have experienced in my life, that we don't know when our time will be up. I want to experience things I never have, do things I never thought I would (nose ring). I want to know what it's like to have an expensive purse, to dry off with  Egyptian cotten towels, to wear matching bra and pantie sets all week long. I want to make my house my own, enjoy the paint color, put my stamp on it. I want to experience the world like I never have before. I don't know when I will be called home, none of us do. I'm not advocating for people to go out and get themselves into debt but just to take chances, buy that something for yourself that you have felt quilty about everytime you think about getting it.

Live, live for yourself, your kids and most of all for the people you have lost who no longer have the oppurtunity to do all the things you can. Go out and LIVE while you can.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Lessons for our Children on Valentine's Day and More

My health seems to be decreasing. The last week or so I have not been able to feel my hands and have been in bed most of the time. It makes me really appreciate when I can get up and spend time with my children. I went to my son's school today and helped with his Valentine's party. His face lit up and I thanked God for giving me the strength to be able to go.
I also went out with my little valentine tonight, he took me on a date. He is such a gentleman. He bought me flowers, opened doors and even paid. We are trying to teach him how to treat ladies.

My husband took our daughter out, bought her flowers and the whole nine yards. We want to teach her how she should be treated so she will never settle for less.

It's been almost half a year since Momma left. This grief journey seems to through so many curve balls my way on a daily basis. I face each day not quite sure where it may take me. I can break out in tears at any given moment and be laughing the next. I am starting to feel her with me more and more. I believe that is a gift from God and I'm so very thankful for it.

God has been so good to our family and continues to be. Hubby has not found a job yet but God continues to provide. He has a second interview on Wed. of this week. Please send up a prayer for us.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Let's Take off our Grief Masks

I haven't known what to blog about these days. I don't always want my life to sound so sad and depressing but I do feel the need to blog.

I've come to find that everyone is there right when you lose  someone, they gather around you and comfort you the best they can.

However, when months have passed they seem to disappear or just stop acknowledging the loss. It could be they don't want to bring it up because let's face it no one grieves the same. And really your world is the one that came crashing down that day and will never be the same. Their world,well their world, has been left pretty much untouched.

Speaking for myself, it almost makes me want to hide my grief. At times I feel ashamed, ashamed I haven't gotten through this process sooner.
When I see others who have lost a part of themselves and seem to be doing great it makes me feel incompetent. I think grieving would be easier if we just all took off our "masks" and let each other see what's under there. I know we would all learn a lot.

So for now, part of my blog will be about the real journey I am taking. It's not going to be depressing or wow is me posts. Just real honesty straight from my heart.

Who knows maybe someone will come by and think to themselves "Wow, I'm going through the same thing and it's just a normal part of grief."

"Healing is impossible loneliness;it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation."
                                                                                               Wendell Berry