Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Just go do it for THEM!

I had one of the best weekends I have had since Mamma left. We took the kids to Nashville and stayed with one of my oldest friends. She is actually one of only two people that's in my life that knew Kim.
She also lost her Dad a little over a year ago. We got back in touch just a few months before Mamma died. This is no coincidence. She was there on the most difficult day of my life, when I had to make all the arrangements for Mom, and one of the hardest decisions as to whether or not to bury her with Kim (2 hrs away).
In short Jo is amazing and I have missed her so much. We lost touch when I moved to Los Angeles but God brought us back together just when we needed each other the most.

Moving along to my great weekend. Friday we took the kids to the Art Center and then an indoor play gym. Sat. Jo and I treated ourselves to pedicures. I can't recall the last time I had one. It had to have been over a year ago if not longer. Later that day we took the kids to a birthday party at Jump Zone and that night Jo's husband and Jose went to a Predators game while me, Jo, and the kids went shopping.

I said all of that to say this, while I have done most of the things above since Mamma has passed, I have not enjoyed them. This past weekend I found myself being washed over by a very unfamilar emotion...happiness. I didn't even feel quilty for feeling this way. Let me tell you it felt GOOD. It felt so good to live again, even if just for the weekend, just this week, however long it may last. I felt alive again, not whole because I will never be whole but I was able to enjoy all the blessings I have in my life. I could almost feel Mamma rejoicing, saying "Kee, this is how you should be living your life."

On a different note, I'm feeling very impulsive lately. I went and got a nose ring on a whim. I just woke up one morning and it popped in my head and I found a place and went. Most people who know me know that's not something I would normally do. I have also got it in my head that I want to redo our kitchen. We have lived in this house for 3 years, first home we have ever owned. The only thing we have done to it is fix up the kid's rooms. We were going to then do some home improvment projects but 6 months after we bought the house Mom and DD moved in and remodeling was the last thing on our minds.
Tonight we went to Lowe's and got some paint samples, picked out a back splash design and new hardware for the cabinets. It's not a total overhaul but it surprises me what a little paint and a few personal touches can do to a room.

Speaking of being impulsive, I bought my first highend purse in my entire 34 yrs of life. I also splurged on a couple of nice soft towels and some clothes for myself. Oh and some Ed Hardy perfume, matching bra and panty sets (Yes, I just revealed that). I haven't had expensive perfume since my son was born.
Now some of you might be saying, your husband doesn't have a job and you are blowing money. To that I say, yes, yes I am. Don't worry, our bills are paid and my kids will not starve.

I was analyzing why I all the sudden feel the need to splurge on myself, I have never been comfortable doing this. I can buy all day for others but when it comes to myself I have a hard time buying the Pantene shampoo because I think it's too expensive for just me to use.

I think it's two things but more the second one than the first. First, I very well may be trying to fill a void and I think there is some validity to that. Second, and I really feel this strongly, Mom's death really made me see, more so than any ot the deaths I have experienced in my life, that we don't know when our time will be up. I want to experience things I never have, do things I never thought I would (nose ring). I want to know what it's like to have an expensive purse, to dry off with  Egyptian cotten towels, to wear matching bra and pantie sets all week long. I want to make my house my own, enjoy the paint color, put my stamp on it. I want to experience the world like I never have before. I don't know when I will be called home, none of us do. I'm not advocating for people to go out and get themselves into debt but just to take chances, buy that something for yourself that you have felt quilty about everytime you think about getting it.

Live, live for yourself, your kids and most of all for the people you have lost who no longer have the oppurtunity to do all the things you can. Go out and LIVE while you can.


JennH said...

Test :)

KEE said...

See it worked! Maybe it has been pregnancy brain all this time ;)