Friday, November 19, 2010

Stepping Into the Holidays My Way

We decorated the house tonight. There are lights, snowmen and angels all around. I had to do it my way though, I couldn't do it the same as we always have. So traditions are having to be altered, new ones made, old ones put aside for now. We have all new stockings, and mostly all new decorations that came from the Mighty Dollar (my all time favorite store).
We will keep the same Christmas ornaments because they are very special to us, we all get a new one each year. Putting up the tree is going to be the hardest because of all the memories the ornaments hold.

No, this path I'm on is not an easy one. My daughter turns 4 just 3 days after Thanksgiving so there is a party to plan. It seems to make the void that much bigger because mom is not here to help plan the party as she has been for the other three birthdays. But when you have kids life does not stop, you have to keep moving, keep living even if you don't feel like it.

I went into our Church today and knelt down and prayed. Not many words were uttered, but I'm pretty sure God heard it all in my tears. I felt a lot better after leaving. This journey is not going to be an easy one, especially in the coming months with all the Holidays but I will find my way the only way I know how....with HIS help of course.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear Mama

It's been a little over two months and I am just feeling the crushing weight of losing you. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you calling me but when I get up you are no where to be found. I guess I have been so numb all this time but now that is wearing off and I feel like there is this big hole in my life and I am not sure how to function without you.

You were the one who loved me from day one and never walked away. The one who I could always go running back to when things got tough or I needed advice or just my Mama's arms around me. And now you aren't here and I am so utterly lost. I have my husband and my kids and they are my saving grace as is God but the family I grew up with is no more and that is the strangest feeling in the world. I am the only survivor, I guess I know how you felt now. You were the strongest woman I have ever known and I am trying to pull from the strength I watched growing up.

It's so hard because I just want you back. Nothing seems to have that much meaning anymore. I know I shouldn't be angry at God but I am.I really didn't think He would take you this early. I've buried both my parents now and my only sibling and that just pisses me off mom. But I know you would say "Kiesha, His ways are not our ways." I know Mom but it doesn't lesson the pain or anger at this moment.

I keep going back to that day. My 7th wedding anniversary so exciting and filled with expectations of celebration and i guess if I look at it with my head and not my heart I see that it was filled with celebration. You and Kim were reunited after18 years and you finally got to walk, walk along the streets of heaven pain free.

That is comforting at times but if I'm honest right now, most times it's not.

I'm attending a grief support group, last night was my second time and I spent the majority of it in the bathroom stall crouched down having a panic attack. We were asked to write about the four season, Summer, , Fall, Winter & Spring and how you fit into them and how they will look now without you. Well I couldn't do it, couldn't bear to think of it.

I feel so weak mom, you buried your daughter and went on. There were people in the group that have buried a child or a husband and are left to raise children and they sat there and calmly finished the exercise and here I am running out a complete and utter mess.

I feel a sadness I had only thought I had known. Mom, you were my cheering section, I could do anything in your eyes. You know where I have been, how far I have come, you know what I was like as a little girl, a teenager. No one else on this earth knows that and that makes me feel completely lost in this big world.

I have my kids and I have Jose and we will get through this but it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have to remember I grew up with the best roll model in the world who showed me what true strength and courage looks like. Someone who picked herself up more times than I can count when it felt like the world was against her and her two girls. She showed the world what she was made of and showed them just what getting down on your knees and crying out to God could do in hopeless circumstances.

So that is what I will do Mom, I will follow your example. I will show them how to hit their knees when they feel they can't take another step. I will do my best to show my kids that in times like these that it is He who carries us. And when I am able to walk I will show them the strength I learned from their Nana.

I miss you Mom from the depth of my soul to the tips of my toes.