Monday, December 28, 2009

Only Grace

I can't seem to find the words, not the words to talk to God, not the words to confide in friends, and not even the words for here.
Music seems to be the only way for me to release emotions right now. So that's what I'm posting here.

I will say that my sister lost her baby and is still in jail.

The family has pretty much given up on her. I can't seem to do that. I get the whole tough love thing but if people had turned their back on me at a certain point in my life I would probably be in jail or dead myself right now. So I'm struggling with that.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

All I Need to Know

I am in the middle of writing a post about what has taken place the past few weeks. Sometimes when so much has taken place it's hard for me to find the words and it takes a few days of writing and stopping, then coming back and starting once again.

While I was writing I had my blog open in another page and heard this song and it was like hearing it for the first time. So I thought I would post it, it fits. Because sometimes I don't know where to begin but I do know HE is able, it may be all I know but it's all I really need to know a the end of the day!

Please be in prayer for my family, especially my health and my sister. I promise I will post more soon.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Let's Not Forget

The Real Reason

Excitement and joy are filling the air;
The lights add special decor.
We're shopping for Christmas gifts everywhere,
But are gifts what Christmas is for?

The wreaths and the trees and the parties
Aren't what we need to convey;
It's the birth of our Savior, Jesus,
The real reason for this holiday.

By Karl and Joanna Fuchs

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thursdy 13 (Welcome to my Pity Party, please bring chocolate)

This is my second time doing Thursday 13, and I've found it to be a lot of fun.

13 reasons I'm having a bad day.

1. I ripped part of my nail off my big toe and the kids get stepping on it by accident, of course.

2. My little sis was sent back to jail, she's pregnant and they will probably get her in some state facility until 8 weeks after the baby is born and the the state has a good shot at gettting this baby. She already has a 5 yr old and a 10 month old that she does not have custoday of.

3. I miss my big sister.

4. I just feel sad for some reason.

5. My house is filthy.

6. I do not feel like planning and cooking Christmas dinner.

7. I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

8. Mom's not getting any better and she had a bad day.

9. I want to go to my sister's grave and take flowers, I haven't been there in years but it's 2 hours away and I can't drive that far by myself because of my seizures.

10. I go to the doctor tomorrow, 80 bucks just for him to give me new perscriptions.

11. I just want to have a good nights sleep and that has not happened this week.

12. I'm tired of holier-than-thou people who are mean to others.

13. I will feel better tomorrow, or even after I publish this. So I'm going to do # 7 right now and see if that helps.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Road I Did Not Take

I recently opened a Facebook account and connected with someone I first met in 2001. We were both fresh out of college and showed up to start our first real job in social services, at the Department of Children and Families. It was a small office of three social workers, a secretary and our supervisor. We became fast friends since we were the newbies and had to go out of town together a lot for trainings . She had been married for about a year and I had known Jose for about 6 months.

We talked about our relationships and how hard our job was at times and about our ambitions. We both wanted to eventually go back to school and get our MSW and eventually be a Department Supervisor for one of the nearby counties. I really had no intention of ever getting married and she really did not want kids.

I have only seen her twice since we have moved back. It's been a few years since we have been in touch.

Well, finding her page brought back a lot of emotions.

See, our lives went in two total different directions. Her life looks exactly like the one I thought I wanted, from the outside at least.

On the computer screen, I saw the life I had always wanted (or so I thought for so long). A Masters of Social Work Degree, Director of Children and family services. Pictures of trips to Mexico, cruises, lots of out of town girl trips.

It was all there on that screen and to be completely honest for a second I wished that was my life.

Because my life took a completely different road.

I worked at DCBS for only a year before moving to Los Angeles to be with my now husband. We were married two years after my move and had a baby less than a year after getting married. We moved back to Ky when Ruben was 7 months. I wanted to go back to work but could not bear to leave my beautiful baby boy especially since there was no one I trusted enough to leave him with.

So I chose to be a stay at home mom. Then had a much wanted and prayed for baby girl.

There are no fancy vacations here and not many girls nights out or even date nights for that matter.
I'm not doing the job I enjoyed so much, the one I prepared so hard for in school.

My days are filled with getting my son off to school, cuddling with my 3 year old and then dealing with her tantrums.
Potty training, singing 'You are my Sunshine', teaching my children how to pray, cleaning house, helping Roo with homework, volunteering at his school, baths, bedtime stories and kisses. And then it starts all over again the next day.

This is not what I dreamed my life would be when I was a Freshman in College deciding on my major. It's not the life I thought I wanted. But this is what I was put on this earth to do. To love my two precious children and teach them about the one who loves and created them.
Peace and contentment is what I feel on this cold night snuggled in the in this room surrounded by Christmas lights and the family I never thought I wanted.

So while I don't have fancy certificates on my wall or photo albums filled with fancy get aways with my husband and friends I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world.

I have a feeling that when we think we know what is best for us and what we will be happier doing, God is just looking down on us shaking HIS head and quietly laughing saying "if you only knew what I have in store for you my child."

I'm happy for my friend and all that she has achieved. I'm in no way saying it's wrong to be ambitious or that you can't have a career and children! I know several women who do both beautifully!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Catching Up, Thursday 13 Prayers

I've been away for a while. God has really been dealing with me and honestly I have been wrestling with HIM and where HE is leading me. I feel peace about it but the human side of me wants to do things my way. It's a struggle within and one that I know will be resolved soon.

I have been working a lot at Roo's school and I love it and it gives me such a purpose. I do feel a little guilty about leaving Marissa but she is at home with Mamaw and she loves it. But boy that mother's guilt kicks in sometimes.

God has put someone in my life that I am really connecting with. She is a teacher at the school and we have clicked from the beginning. It has to be a God thing because I feel like I have known her forever. And I do not open up to people very easily. She has really been helping me on this journey and I thank God for putting her in my life.

I ask you all to please say a prayer for my little sister. She is having a lot of problems right now. She just got out of jail and was ordered back to rehab but I'm not sure if she will go. She has a five year old and a 10 month old. She is pregnant again and her mom just called me and said she was at the ER, they think she may be having a miscarriage.
You can read more about how she became my little sister and all that we have gone through here.

Now for my Thursday Thirteen.
I have decided to do 13 Prayers.

1. Peace for those close to me that are going through so very much right now.

2. Comfort and warmth for those who are doing without this Holiday season.

3. Wisdom for me as I make this journey to be who God wants me to be.

4. Patience  for myself when dealing with my children.

5. Joy for those who have lost theirs somewhere along the way.

6. I wish and pray for God's gentle spirit to surround my sister at this moment and for her to know that there is ONE who will always FORGIVE her.

7.  For people including myself to focus now on giving this Christmas Away. Pause player at bottom to hear this song.

8. A Genie to come and make my house sparkle. (Hey, a girl can dream can't she?:)

9. For my marriage and all of your marriages to continue to grow strong and that we never forget that we must put work into themt every single day.

10.  For those that have lost people this year that they may feel the peace and love of God surrounding them during this Holiday Season.

11. I pray that I will let go of all my pride, subborness, and all the things that get in between me and God so that I can have a closer walk with him and an awesome prayer life without me getting in the way.

12. For the men and women that are fighting for our country and their families who have to face the Holidays without them.

13. For you reading this right now, that you may know God loves you, forgives you and will never leave you no matter what you are going through or what you have done in your life. HE is faithful!