Saturday, December 4, 2010

Sanity, Throwing Christmas Trees, & Grief Groups

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There are days were I have breaks from the pain. I call them my gift from God days. There are the days I can hear the sound of my own laughter and it sounds good, strange, but good. Then there are the days were the sadness grips my heart so tightly I feel I may never be able to breathe quite the same way again.

I'm attending a grief group every week, we only have two more weeks left. I started because they had a group for kids my son's age and having been a Child's Crisis Counselor, I know how important it is for him to be in an environment where he can express himself because he was not talking to me. He was so close to my mom and had lived in a house with her (either we lived with her or she lived with us) for four out of the six years of his life.

It has really helped open up a dialogue between us.
My group has helped me a lot to. It;s heloed me realize and try to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I was before my mother died and people around me will have to grieve that person. I myself will have to come to terms with this and figure out who this new person is.

If you have lost someone close to you I strongly suggest looking into a support group. It's not shameful to ask for help, it's quite the opposite. It takes courage to walk into a room and talk about something so personal. The great thing about a support group though is you can say as little or as much as you want. I was terrified that first night and the first 15 min, I wanted to run for the door. Thankfully I was blocked in or I probably would have. It makes you feel normal to hear others talk about their story. You learn so much just by listening.
I  learned  I'm not crazy just because I want to yell at someone when they tell me my mother is in a better place or when I have flashes of strangling them when they say what a wonderful way to die when they find out she died in her sleep.

 Hey, I didn't say I did these things  just said they go through my mind and people in my group get it. And that's what I need right now, not to feel like I am going insane. Although tonight was tough looking at all the keepsake ornaments we have collected throughout the years and I looked at the Christmas tree and for a minute I wanted to throw it through the window. Yeah, I'm sane alright.