Monday, February 28, 2011

Frustrations with my own body and another dreary Anniversary is upon us today.

I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated with life. Lately, it's been my health slipping and frankly it pisses me off. I'm 34 yrs old, have these two amazing energetic kids and a husband that has to take care of all three of us.
It's not something I try to put out there thes days. I clean up pretty well and can muster up enough energy for at least one day out a week so people think I'm doing fine physically. I guess it's a pride thing.

It's also a scary thing to me because I can be completely fine, like last weekend we all went to stay with a friend in Nashville. I was able to do things with the kids, go out shopping. I knew it was coming though, I had one good week and weekend but in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't last. I was right. I can't go grocery shopping, unless like I did today and just said to hell with pride and went grocery shopping with my hubby and speedy (wheel chair) as I used to call him when I first got sick. I haven't been driving all that much. I miss taking Roo to school, I miss seeing his eyes light up when I would volunteer there and see him in the hall.

I refuse to be locked up in my room .So I try to make it out to the couch. My legs are getting numb again and that scares me. I go for periods where I can feel my fingers and then all the sudden it comes back.

It does make me grateful for the times I am healthy even if it's for a few hours. a day, or a few days. I'm very impulsive on the days where I am feeling good. I will just load the kids up and we will take off or we will have all day Wii competitions or have a bake off.
I do thank God for those times and I'm praying that those are the things that will stick out in their memories as they grow, not Mommy always being sick.

I have had a seizure last week and it's been a while since I had one of those. They take some time to get over.

I'm sure it's stressed related. The 6 month anniversary of losing mom is today. Well sort of, she died Aug. 30 but there is no Feb. 30 so I'm just going with today. Woman :) you would have to make things difficult, die on my wedding anniversary and then 6 months later have no specific day to call it the 6 month anniversary.
I'm not able to wrap my head around having lived 6 months without my mom. But then again I'm having a hard time connecting with her and I didn't even realize it to a very special friend pointed it out to me last week. I don't feel her around me, I don't feel connected to any of her possesions. I look at her photos and will for a split second  feel something then it's gone. It's then almost like looking at a picture of a friend's mother. I didn't feel quite this way at the beginning. I was very attached to her stuff but now I feel just disconnected. Almost as if it's still all a dream.

I know this post probably makes no sense and that's ok, if you have been around long you know it's all just Kee-speak anyway. :)

I do know I will make it. I am nothing if not a survivor and certainly for my kids and husband I will endure whatever I have to to have them in my life and make their's better.
I know God has a plan, ok truth be told, most of the time I know He has a plan. And I'm trying to stand on that right now.

Please keep me in your prayers, my family and I can use all we can get. I know the power of prayer.

Maybe a happier post tomorrow but I'm just Kee who posts exactly how she feels.  (In need of filter :)


Bonnie said...

Kee it has been awhile since I visited your blog. I am so very sorry on the loss of your Mother.

I lost my Mom in 2002 to pancreatic cancer. I was pregnant with her first grandchild who she never met with the exception of laying her hand on my bulging belly.

I know what your feeling. I too felt very disconnected to her right after her death, my sister did not.

Time doesn not heal but it does take that rough and ragged pain away a bit. There are moments I still lay and cry missing her terribly.

Hugs Kee and many many many prayers for your health and family.

Stay in touch, it put a smile on my face to see YOUR encouraging words this morning.

Anonymous said...

Love you! Trita

me said...

Hey Kee, just wanted you to know that I'm praying for your health and for your family.

I don't know if you've tried this, but for almost every night before I went to bed last year I asked Jesus to let mom hear me, and then I'd just pour my heart out to her. It helped me feel closer to my mom.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

The Blog Writer said...

Dear Kee,

I was just managing the blogs I follow when I wondered about your blog. I'm feeling like writing you a mini-letter, kindly oblige me. :)

Firstly, that picture on your header is catchy with a capital C.

I'm sorry that while writing this post, you couldn't connect to your Mum. Will you believe that I just happened to read an article on facebook about 2 hours back on something similar?

I'm going to go snoop and find you a link because I want to.


Make good use of it. :)

You sound like a great Mum, yourself. There is something so sacred about the Mother-kinds in my head, I wish I could describe it better!

Wishing you love, luck, joy, peace, tonnes more happiness and excellent good health.

Looking forward to a great friendship with you.

With all my heart,

The Blog Writer. :)