Friday, March 4, 2011

It's one Hell of a Process

It's funny how things sneak up on you. There have been a lot of things I just have not thought about since Mama died. I think I was blocking all of it because I was not ready to deal with it. Well I guess my brain thinks I'm ready now because today while I was standing in the shower it all came flooding back. None of this had even crossed my mind since Mama died.

Three weeks before Mama died Jose and I had to fly to NE because Jose's dad had to have his leg amputated due to problems with his diabetes. We took Rissa and stayed two weeks. So we were only back home a week before she died. There were no signs, or were there?

I know she had started back to rehab full force while we were gone, it dawned on me in the shower, maybe that was too much for her and caused her to have a heart attack.
I wasn't here to make her slow down, to make sure she was taking her meds on schedule.

While I haven't admitted this to many, I saw signs I think but ignored them. Her doctor said she was fine but she kept losing weight and wasn't eating well. Not really sick as in dying or it did not appear so at the time but in my gut I knew something wasn't right. Why didn't I just trust it, push the doctors to do more tests. She was my responsibility, Kim wasn't here so she was my responsibility and I failed her. I failed her so many times. I just need 5 min so I can tell her how very sorry I am.
But once they are gone you don't get 5 min. You can't make things right and I guess you can't beat yourself up for all the things you didn't do. It will just take me a while to process all of this and get to that point where I don't feel guilty.


JennH said...

I'm trying to catch up on your blog as best I can, but this one grabbed me. You KNOW you are not to blame, right?! There's no way you can put together the pieces until you know what puzzle you're actually making anyway.

(((HUGS))) I know this is so incredibly hard for you, and yet I know too that I can't even fathom HOW INCREDIBLY HARD it is either!

Always thinking about you and praying for you, even if I don't get to talk to you as often as I wish I could!

me said...

Hi Kee. I haven't been on my blog in a while and am catching up. I have gone through this guilt too--I saw my mom losing weight, and she was getting short of breath. I knew something was up with the shortness of breath but she brushed it off. I wish I had put that together with the losing weight, two big signs for lung cancer. But I didn't. Maybe if I had thought more I could have made her see a doctor, and maybe they could have caught the cancer before it was too late. I have felt such guilt about failing her. But we are only human, right? We make mistakes, we miss things. I hope you have been able to let this guilt go. Your mom wouldn't blame you I am sure, just like my mom wouldn't either. God bless and hope you are well.