It's funny how things sneak up on you. There have been a lot of things I just have not thought about since Mama died. I think I was blocking all of it because I was not ready to deal with it. Well I guess my brain thinks I'm ready now because today while I was standing in the shower it all came flooding back. None of this had even crossed my mind since Mama died.
Three weeks before Mama died Jose and I had to fly to NE because Jose's dad had to have his leg amputated due to problems with his diabetes. We took Rissa and stayed two weeks. So we were only back home a week before she died. There were no signs, or were there?
I know she had started back to rehab full force while we were gone, it dawned on me in the shower, maybe that was too much for her and caused her to have a heart attack.
I wasn't here to make her slow down, to make sure she was taking her meds on schedule.
While I haven't admitted this to many, I saw signs I think but ignored them. Her doctor said she was fine but she kept losing weight and wasn't eating well. Not really sick as in dying or it did not appear so at the time but in my gut I knew something wasn't right. Why didn't I just trust it, push the doctors to do more tests. She was my responsibility, Kim wasn't here so she was my responsibility and I failed her. I failed her so many times. I just need 5 min so I can tell her how very sorry I am.
But once they are gone you don't get 5 min. You can't make things right and I guess you can't beat yourself up for all the things you didn't do. It will just take me a while to process all of this and get to that point where I don't feel guilty.