Thursday, August 27, 2009

Blog of Contradictions

Sometimes I feel as if this blog is one of contradictions. One day it's a happy hopeful post and then the next it's me complaining, tired of fighting my body, fearful of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

But it's honest. And I think anyone who has dealt with this kind of thing can relate, or at least I hope it's not just me.

My good days are really good and my bad days are really bad.
I have been volunteering at Roo's school two days a week in preschool. The teacher understands my limitations and always makes sure I don't over do it.

Well the principal informed me that the office may need my help from time to time, which is fine with me. It's been great just feeling like I'm accomplishing something other than house work and wonderful to see Roo's face light up when I see him in the halls.

But today the main office Assistant was out so it was just me. Well I had to deliver mail to all the class rooms, answer the phone, play nurse, type a lot, and do a little bit of everything. It got really bad and hubby had to bring my meds to me.

I didn't let anyone know, except for telling them I was checking roo out 30 min early and going home once the office assistant came back because I wasn't feeling well. I just didn't let them know how bad it was.

I was able to drive us home and collapsed on the bed and had a mini seizure. That wasn't really the worst for me. It was knowing that I can't do the simple task such as run an office for a couple of hours. It's the fear that I will be confined back to this house, to my bed.

I want to be involved in Ruben's school activities, the PTO, the Fall Festival, all the things I dreamed about when I thought about having kids.
I couldn't even go to his first soccer practice tonight.

So I did what any woman would do, curled up with a bar of chocolate, there was no ice cream in the house, and cried and cried and then cried some more. A pity party I guess you would call it.

I hate not knowing and the ups and downs of this illness.

I know God hears me but I'm feeling like I did a while back that my prayers aren't getting through. I do cherish the days when I get to LIVE fully with them but I guess that makes the days when I don't even harder because I know what I'm missing.

Anyway, if you feel so lead please pray. I need peace and to know that it won't always be like this and even if it is HE will give me the strength to handle it.


He & Me + 3 said...


All that you did that day and all that you want to do is more than even I can handle & I do not have any restrictions. Take it easy on yourself. I have seen such progress here on your blog, but your body is still healing and getting better. Don't over do it. Your children love you and will love you no matter what. I know it is frustrating, but don't over extend yourself. I will say prayers for you my friend.

christy rose said...

Ditto what Mimi said. When I was reading all that you were doing in the office. I thought that would have made me tired too. And I am not dealing with your illness. Do little things. Your kids will appreciate the little things and a happy not overstressed mommy over a mommy who overdoes it and is worn out and sick the rest of the time. You are a great mommy! Do not let anybody tell you otherwise, including yourself. Hope you have a wonderful day today!

Deborah Ann said...

Oh, my dear sister in Christ! Even though we are strangers, my heart leapt when I read of your struggles. I pray God will restore you to complete healing. I've seen Him do it before, and HE will do it again!

In Christ,

nancygrayce said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down about all normal! You did a lot! I stopped and prayed you would feel his presence. We all just have to live one day at the time. Just take it easy on yourself. Oh, and when I'm having a pity party, my husband asks if he needs to go buy favors for my party! :)

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I prayed for you this morning.

And also, I think a lot of us live contradicting lives, so our blogs ought to reflect it, you know? We do not know what life will throw at us from one day to the next, but it would be wrong to slap on a smile and pretend that everything is OK when we're hurting inside.

The Lord wants us to experience his joy, but this doesn't always mean that we'll feel happy. Joy and happiness are two very different things. Today, I prayed that the Lord would give you true joy and contentment in your inner-most places. And that even on the worst of days -- ESPECIALLY on the worst of days -- you would feel His abiding presence with you.

No matter what happens, He will never leave us. Never. Never.

Incredible isn't it?

LAURA said...

Everyone has their up and down days. Don't believe anyone who says they don't. :)

And running the office... that would have drove. me. crazy! I might have left a lot sooner than 30 minutes early haha.

And as for missing out on the soccer practice... I'm sure that was really hard. But maybe you can come up with a way to "experience" things that you aren't able to be at. Perhaps you could send a camera along and have someone who understands your situation and why you aren't able to be there snap some photos for you. Then when your kid gets home you can put the pictures on the computer and he can tell you all about it. Just an idea. I know it's not the same as being there... but that way you could still kind of get to "see" the practice.