Sometimes I feel as if this blog is one of contradictions. One day it's a happy hopeful post and then the next it's me complaining, tired of fighting my body, fearful of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
But it's honest. And I think anyone who has dealt with this kind of thing can relate, or at least I hope it's not just me.
My good days are really good and my bad days are really bad.
I have been volunteering at Roo's school two days a week in preschool. The teacher understands my limitations and always makes sure I don't over do it.
Well the principal informed me that the office may need my help from time to time, which is fine with me. It's been great just feeling like I'm accomplishing something other than house work and wonderful to see Roo's face light up when I see him in the halls.
But today the main office Assistant was out so it was just me. Well I had to deliver mail to all the class rooms, answer the phone, play nurse, type a lot, and do a little bit of everything. It got really bad and hubby had to bring my meds to me.
I didn't let anyone know, except for telling them I was checking roo out 30 min early and going home once the office assistant came back because I wasn't feeling well. I just didn't let them know how bad it was.
I was able to drive us home and collapsed on the bed and had a mini seizure. That wasn't really the worst for me. It was knowing that I can't do the simple task such as run an office for a couple of hours. It's the fear that I will be confined back to this house, to my bed.
I want to be involved in Ruben's school activities, the PTO, the Fall Festival, all the things I dreamed about when I thought about having kids.
I couldn't even go to his first soccer practice tonight.
So I did what any woman would do, curled up with a bar of chocolate, there was no ice cream in the house, and cried and cried and then cried some more. A pity party I guess you would call it.
I hate not knowing and the ups and downs of this illness.
I know God hears me but I'm feeling like I did a while back that my prayers aren't getting through. I do cherish the days when I get to LIVE fully with them but I guess that makes the days when I don't even harder because I know what I'm missing.
Anyway, if you feel so lead please pray. I need peace and to know that it won't always be like this and even if it is HE will give me the strength to handle it.