Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Life as We Speak

I've continued living. On the outside my life now looks normal, well as normal as it ever has. I can go through my days now, figured out for the most part how to fill the wholes, the parts Momma left. However, what you don't see is that every minute of every day, I am aware of this empty, aching hole in my life. I may never mention it, close friends may see a glimmer, if that.
But it's still there. I think about how my life has been completely and utterly changed forever while standing in line at the grocery store or waiting to pick up the kids.

I know that in exactly 42 days my mom would be turning 62. She would be telling me what present she wanted and making sure I didn't forget her favorite ice cream cake.

I know tomorrow the Mass Intentions are for my Mom. I am honored by this but also wonder if everyone will be looking around just to see how far I have come in my grief journey. Is she still angry, still broken hearted, or has she pulled it together "for the sake of those kids?"

All I can say, is I'm farther in the grieving process that I was 5 months ago but maybe not as far as some think I should be. I'm honest with myself and with most everyone else about where I stand.

I get up everyday, take a shower, brush my teeth, play with my kids and have even started cooking again(this was a big one) I cooked for mom the night before she died and had not cooked until this month.
I can look at her pictures, something I couldn't do until recently as well.

As I have learned in my other grieving experiences there will come a day, it may hurt a little less, a day when it's not at the fore front of my mind. However, that road is far far away. Right now I will keep my goals in sight even if they are little things that get me through the day.

1 comment:

Sandy said...

I lost my Dad last October, and I've told you before that I have fibromyalgia, too. I am praying for you!