Only Grace

I can't seem to find the words, not the words to talk to God, not the words to confide in friends, and not even the words for here.
Music seems to be the only way for me to release emotions right now. So that's what I'm posting here.

I will say that my sister lost her baby and is still in jail.

The family has pretty much given up on her. I can't seem to do that. I get the whole tough love thing but if people had turned their back on me at a certain point in my life I would probably be in jail or dead myself right now. So I'm struggling with that.

All I Need to Know

I am in the middle of writing a post about what has taken place the past few weeks. Sometimes when so much has taken place it's hard for me to find the words and it takes a few days of writing and stopping, then coming back and starting once again.

While I was writing I had my blog open in another page and heard this song and it was like hearing it for the first time. So I thought I would post it, it fits. Because sometimes I don't know where to begin but I do know HE is able, it may be all I know but it's all I really need to know a the end of the day!




Please be in prayer for my family, especially my health and my sister. I promise I will post more soon.

Let's Not Forget

The Real Reason


Excitement and joy are filling the air;
The lights add special decor.
We're shopping for Christmas gifts everywhere,
But are gifts what Christmas is for?


The wreaths and the trees and the parties
Aren't what we need to convey;
It's the birth of our Savior, Jesus,
The real reason for this holiday.


By Karl and Joanna Fuchs

Thursdy 13 (Welcome to my Pity Party, please bring chocolate)

This is my second time doing Thursday 13, and I've found it to be a lot of fun.



13 reasons I'm having a bad day.

1. I ripped part of my nail off my big toe and the kids get stepping on it by accident, of course.

2. My little sis was sent back to jail, she's pregnant and they will probably get her in some state facility until 8 weeks after the baby is born and the the state has a good shot at gettting this baby. She already has a 5 yr old and a 10 month old that she does not have custoday of.

3. I miss my big sister.

4. I just feel sad for some reason.

5. My house is filthy.

6. I do not feel like planning and cooking Christmas dinner.

7. I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

8. Mom's not getting any better and she had a bad day.

9. I want to go to my sister's grave and take flowers, I haven't been there in years but it's 2 hours away and I can't drive that far by myself because of my seizures.

10. I go to the doctor tomorrow, 80 bucks just for him to give me new perscriptions.

11. I just want to have a good nights sleep and that has not happened this week.

12. I'm tired of holier-than-thou people who are mean to others.

13. I will feel better tomorrow, or even after I publish this. So I'm going to do # 7 right now and see if that helps.

Wordless Wednesday (Except it's not quite Wednesday yet).

The Road I Did Not Take

I recently opened a Facebook account and connected with someone I first met in 2001. We were both fresh out of college and showed up to start our first real job in social services, at the Department of Children and Families. It was a small office of three social workers, a secretary and our supervisor. We became fast friends since we were the newbies and had to go out of town together a lot for trainings . She had been married for about a year and I had known Jose for about 6 months.

We talked about our relationships and how hard our job was at times and about our ambitions. We both wanted to eventually go back to school and get our MSW and eventually be a Department Supervisor for one of the nearby counties. I really had no intention of ever getting married and she really did not want kids.

I have only seen her twice since we have moved back. It's been a few years since we have been in touch.

Well, finding her page brought back a lot of emotions.

See, our lives went in two total different directions. Her life looks exactly like the one I thought I wanted, from the outside at least.

On the computer screen, I saw the life I had always wanted (or so I thought for so long). A Masters of Social Work Degree, Director of Children and family services. Pictures of trips to Mexico, cruises, lots of out of town girl trips.

It was all there on that screen and to be completely honest for a second I wished that was my life.

Because my life took a completely different road.

I worked at DCBS for only a year before moving to Los Angeles to be with my now husband. We were married two years after my move and had a baby less than a year after getting married. We moved back to Ky when Ruben was 7 months. I wanted to go back to work but could not bear to leave my beautiful baby boy especially since there was no one I trusted enough to leave him with.

So I chose to be a stay at home mom. Then had a much wanted and prayed for baby girl.

There are no fancy vacations here and not many girls nights out or even date nights for that matter.
I'm not doing the job I enjoyed so much, the one I prepared so hard for in school.

My days are filled with getting my son off to school, cuddling with my 3 year old and then dealing with her tantrums.
Potty training, singing 'You are my Sunshine', teaching my children how to pray, cleaning house, helping Roo with homework, volunteering at his school, baths, bedtime stories and kisses. And then it starts all over again the next day.

This is not what I dreamed my life would be when I was a Freshman in College deciding on my major. It's not the life I thought I wanted. But this is what I was put on this earth to do. To love my two precious children and teach them about the one who loves and created them.
Peace and contentment is what I feel on this cold night snuggled in the in this room surrounded by Christmas lights and the family I never thought I wanted.

So while I don't have fancy certificates on my wall or photo albums filled with fancy get aways with my husband and friends I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world.

I have a feeling that when we think we know what is best for us and what we will be happier doing, God is just looking down on us shaking HIS head and quietly laughing saying "if you only knew what I have in store for you my child."

I'm happy for my friend and all that she has achieved. I'm in no way saying it's wrong to be ambitious or that you can't have a career and children! I know several women who do both beautifully!

Catching Up, Thursday 13 Prayers

I've been away for a while. God has really been dealing with me and honestly I have been wrestling with HIM and where HE is leading me. I feel peace about it but the human side of me wants to do things my way. It's a struggle within and one that I know will be resolved soon.

I have been working a lot at Roo's school and I love it and it gives me such a purpose. I do feel a little guilty about leaving Marissa but she is at home with Mamaw and she loves it. But boy that mother's guilt kicks in sometimes.

God has put someone in my life that I am really connecting with. She is a teacher at the school and we have clicked from the beginning. It has to be a God thing because I feel like I have known her forever. And I do not open up to people very easily. She has really been helping me on this journey and I thank God for putting her in my life.

I ask you all to please say a prayer for my little sister. She is having a lot of problems right now. She just got out of jail and was ordered back to rehab but I'm not sure if she will go. She has a five year old and a 10 month old. She is pregnant again and her mom just called me and said she was at the ER, they think she may be having a miscarriage.
You can read more about how she became my little sister and all that we have gone through here.


Now for my Thursday Thirteen.
I have decided to do 13 Prayers.

1. Peace for those close to me that are going through so very much right now.

2. Comfort and warmth for those who are doing without this Holiday season.

3. Wisdom for me as I make this journey to be who God wants me to be.

4. Patience  for myself when dealing with my children.

5. Joy for those who have lost theirs somewhere along the way.

6. I wish and pray for God's gentle spirit to surround my sister at this moment and for her to know that there is ONE who will always FORGIVE her.

7.  For people including myself to focus now on giving this Christmas Away. Pause player at bottom to hear this song.


8. A Genie to come and make my house sparkle. (Hey, a girl can dream can't she?:)

9. For my marriage and all of your marriages to continue to grow strong and that we never forget that we must put work into themt every single day.

10.  For those that have lost people this year that they may feel the peace and love of God surrounding them during this Holiday Season.

11. I pray that I will let go of all my pride, subborness, and all the things that get in between me and God so that I can have a closer walk with him and an awesome prayer life without me getting in the way.

12. For the men and women that are fighting for our country and their families who have to face the Holidays without them.

13. For you reading this right now, that you may know God loves you, forgives you and will never leave you no matter what you are going through or what you have done in your life. HE is faithful!

A Shifting Heart

These past few weeks it's been hard to see the blessings in my life.
My focus has shifted to the pain that runs through my body on my bad days, the struggle I seem to be having with my faith, and a hundred other negative things I have been focusing on lately.

Today, there has been another shift. I am grateful, full of hope, so very humbled and thankful for every single blessing in my life.

How did this shift happen you ask, God and only God.

God in the form of a youth group that spent all of their day off baking cookies to deliver to the needy, home bound and elderly on their first day of Thanksgiving break. The cookies were good and brought a smile to my mom's face.

I heard God's voice today in a phone call from our church telling me there was a package I needed to come pick up. Well the package was actually three boxes of food and a turkey. They did not know, no one did, no one but God knew we needed those boxes today.

I saw the joy of the Lord in my children's faces as they helped bake a rainbow cake tonight, their favorite.

My son brought home a baby bottle from school last week to fill with coins for our local Christian Pregnancy Center. He went into his room and poured out his piggy bank and filled the bottle with all the dollars and coins that would fit without me even asking him to use his own money.

Tonight he brought tears to my eyes when he said they picked up the bottles at school yesterday and he didn't have anymore bottles to fill up with money for the babies and mommies that needed money.

Tonight, I had a wonderful night of cooking with my husband, playing with my children, laughing with my family and remembering all the things I have to be thankful for.

I have heard God speak to me in so many different ways today and have felt closer to HIM than I have in a while. He is answering my prayers, maybe not in the way I want, but HE's letting me know HE hears my crys and is always at my side.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I Am

I Am a Christian who feels God is calling me to do more, to have a closer relationship with HIM instead of just going through the motions and fooling myself into believeing that is enough.

Don't forget to pause the music player at the bottom.

We Interupt the Regular Scheduled Programing

Today I usually participate in Multitude Mondays.

But when I started this blog I promised myself I would be honest about life and not gloss it over. Life is not perfect and I think it can be harmful to others if all they read about is how great your life is. They start to feel bad and wonder why there life is not all roses. Or atleast I have felt that way reading some blogs in the past.

I have a lot to be grateful for, believe me I know that.

But today I don't feel like being grateful.

I'm in pain, my body hurts from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

I'm frustrated and I'm trying to make a very big decision about my faith. My husband is catholic and it's never been an issue until Roo started school. I have went there for 5 years and have found that all I was taught about catholics is just not true, I learned this by observation over a 5 year period.

I'm considering converting but not sure what that means because I am a Christian, so I'm struggling with the whole converting thing.

I am tired of hiding my physical pain from everyone. No one knows at Roo's scchool just how hard it is for me to go to school and work.

I put a smile on my face to hide the pain so my daughter can have a normal birthday party at Chucky E cheese.

So today I don't feel like being grateful.

I know that is wrong and God is probably not pleased with it. And while I may be able to fool others,I can never fool God because he knows my heart.
So what is the point in pretending.

Tomorrow will be better. God is still God no matter how I am feeling.

You Better Slow Down

This poem gets me every time I read it. I probably should read it everyday, because it's so easy to forget to just slow down.

Slow Down

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,

or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,

or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down,

don't dance so fast,

time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,

when you ask "How are you?",

do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

do you lie in your bed,

with the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down,

don't dance so fast

time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child,

we'll do it tomorrow,

and in your haste, not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

let a good friendship die,

'cause you never had time to call and say "hi".

You better slow down,

don't dance so fast

time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,

you miss half the fun of getting there,

When you worry and hurry though your day,

it is like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life is not a race,

so take it slower,

hear the music before the song is over.

- author David L. Weatherford

Thursday Thriteen (Our Adventure)

This is my second time doing Thursday 13, and I've found it to be a lot of fun.

Let's see, I thought that since Marissa's birthday is next week. I would pick 13 things to share about her.

1. She was born 4 weeks early, two days after Thanskgiving on Nov. 28, 2006, with no big complications and so very beautiful.

2. She underwent surgery at 10 months to remove a cyst in her throat. This was taken after the surgery.

3. She's never been able to take her eyes off her brother for very long.

4. Little Miss Fearless loved and still loves to climb everything.

5. She hated eating her cake at her first birthday party.

6. She's always looked cute in anything.

7. She is sassy and spunky. She cracks me up on a hourly basis.

8. She was a lot happier on her second birthday.

Well until Daddy rubbed cake on her face again. I'm thinking brownies this year.

9. She has to take front and center with Roo and his friends.

10. She prefers to cut her own hair and is very proud of the results.

11. Her favorite outfit is any dress and her knee-high black boots.

          

12. She thinks she the boss.

13. And she's almost cute enough to get away with it.

Thank you Lord for our second blessing.

What an adventure it has been.

And a note to those of you who follow on a daily basis, no I most certainly did not change my blog layout again, check your glasses and if you don't have any maybe you need an eye appointment :)

Who Am I Wednesdays

I AM a loving but at times frustrated mother.

I AM a struggling Christian who is considering making a big decision that is not going to make my mother very happy.

I AM an adult who is tired of other adults acting like children, grow up already please.

I AM excited about lighting up our house this year, hubby says he's gonna light it up like the fourth of July, yes we are now one of those families

I AM trying to accept that seizures are part of my life and remind myself that I have them, they do not have me.


Who are YOU?
Feel free to share in a comment or on your blog, just leave a link.

Thanks for stopping by!

I've Finally Got it....Wait Maybe Not

Ok, so I know I have had the bad habit of changing blog designs like... oh I don't know every week or so. I want to find one and stick to it. I think.
I like this one. The only problem is it would fully download and I had to add the purple background instead of what it looked like here at Template Mama site, she is awesome but I'm just beginning to learn how to work it all. If anyone has an idea of what I'm doing wrong I would love to hear it!

Bear with me and I promise I will find one and stick to it. I really love the layout of this one, it seems a lot less cluttered than my last layout.

So hang in there with me. I should have it figured out this week. But then again I really wanted to do a christmas background. Oh who knows, what will show up next. It's just part of my personality, I don't like the same routine day after day and I like to mix things up :)

Hope everyone had a great Monday.

Multitude Mondays 48-58

It's Monday and time to count our blessings and share them with others over at Holy Experience.

My health goes up and down and can change hourly. I can have a great day and then the next will be extremely painful. I'm learning to see God's grace and goodness in the midst of my pain. Multitude Monday's have been a great way to stay focused on all my blessings regardless of how I am feeling physically or emotionally.

This weekend has been great, last weekend I was in bed the entire weekend and this weekend I was only in bed during regular sleeping hours. : )
I am so very blessed, let me count the ways:
48-58
 #48- A great date night with hubby, including dinner, laughter, silly pictures, and me falling asleep and missing the last ten minutes of the movie.

#49-Friends that come over and mop your kitchen and refuse to let you help because they know you are not able to.

#50- Getting to take my daughter for her first REAL haircut. She actually gave herself the first haircut and it's taken a while for it to grow out.

#51- Seeing the importance of silly little moments.

#52- Going to church today as a family for the first time in a very long time.

#53- Feeling good enough to go to Dairy Queen afterwards.

#54- Being silly with our kids in public places.

#55- Pop-ice I've been addicted to these lately.

#56- That Fiesty has made it through the week. (Roo's replacement fish for Speedy)

#57- Being able to continue to work at Roo's school even after last weeks seizure episode. Just working in the office now but it's a much better enviroment.

#58- All the friends I have gained through this little blog of mine. It truly amazes me.

If you would like to share your gifts with everyone, hop on over to Ann's.

Nothing Better After a Crappy Week...

Date night and boy am I excited about it!!!

Who Am I ? (a little boy's loss)

I AM a mother who knelt by the toilet this afternoon with my very sensitive son as he was weeping as if his heart had been shattered into a thousand little pieces. All I had to do was look at that face and I was heartbroken and wept with him.

You see, he was heartbroken over losing Speedy, his goldfish that he only had a week. This is the first time he has had to deal with death. He kept saying "mommy, just make him move. Please mommy just make him swim again." I told him there was nothing more we could do for Speedy but say a pray for him. And we did.

I was heartbroken and weeping because I know this will not be the last time his life is touched by death of some sort. He will have to deal with death in this life and I wish I could just take all the pain from Speedy's death and all the future pain of ever losing anyone from him.

 But that's not my job, my job is teaching my son WHO to take his pain to and WHO can take his pain away and give back peace and comfort in it's place.

Thank you Lord for being there with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. You have been with me many many times down that road.

I pray that you will always be with my children when they have to deal with death throughout their lives. I also pray for your love and peace to surround those who have lost someone and will be missing them even more this Holiday Season. Wrap those families in your peace, give them your hope, pour out your healing love on them.
In Your Holy Name
Amen

Multitude Mondays 37-47

It's Monday and time to count our blessings and share them with others over at Holy Experience.

My symptoms have come raging back, I've had several seizures in the last couple of days and yet I have many blessings to give thanks for.
37-47

#37- My husband who never complains when he has to wait on me hand and foot when I get so sick I can't get out of bed.

#38- Hot relaxing bubble baths

#39- For the Lord's strength when teaching my kids hard lessons that I know they have to learn, but it's so hard not to just take them in my arms and give in.

#40- Indian food

#41- My aunt, who takes care of my children when I can not.

#42- Sunny Delight, I had forgotten just how good it is.

#43- Children who don't see skin color.

#44- Memories of lost loved ones.

#45- Fuzzy socks

#46- Mouse traps

#47- The ability to sit here and type this message, there are many days I can't even do that. I'm so very grateful the days I can.

If you would like to share your gifts with everyone, hop on over to Ann's.

Thursday 13

This is my first time doing Thursday 13, I thought it would be fun but have no idea what I'm about to write.

Let's see, 13 things that are on my mind right now.

1. Goldie and Speedy, Roo won Goldie at the carnival so we had to buy a tank for him and all the things fish require. Today Roo decided he wanted Goldie to have a friend so Speedy joined our family today. At the next PTO meeting I am going to let them know that having Gold fish as a prize at the carnival is unfair to parents.

2. Foxy, our dog we rescued from a shelter about a month ago. She was just spayed and I have to take her to get her stiches out this week. Only problem is tomorrow is Friday so time is running out for me. (Toby is the one sleeping)


3. Teaching, I volunteer at Roo's school three days a week. I spend Thursday and Fridays with the preschool class until 11 and then I work in the office, sub for teachers. I do a little bit of everything. It's got me thinking about going back to school and get my teaching degree. I don't want to go back into social work while the kids are little. To stressful.

4. Christmas lights, I can't wait to get out all the decorations. I LOVE Christmas.

5. Sleep, it would be nice to be able to sleep like a normal person.

6. I can't get enough of this spunky, determined, free spirited child.

7. My Brown Eyed boy is always on my mind.

8.  Recipes, I need to find more so that I cook more. I hate to cook. Hubby is a great cook. He cooks and I clean but I should do more cooking.

9. My Mom, she hasn't walked in two years and has given up. I constantly try to think of something I could do to get her motivated to atleast get up and in her wheel chair. This picture was taken last year, she has changed so much in such a short period of time. She doesn't look like the mom that raised me. I miss that person.

10. DVR, I love that thing, Thursdays are when all the good shows come on so they are taped and ready for me to watch when I can't sleep.

11. Randomness, I don't think that is a word but that is where this post is going. I'm all over the place. But that's how my mind works constantly.

12. Header, I should be working on a blog header for a blogger friend. I can't wait to get it done. Again, there are so many ideas floating around in my head I have to try and figure out which one I should run with.

13. Blogger Buddies, if you hung in there for all of this, you are awesome!