Whatever You're Doing

The day before my life suddenly changed(April 18 of this year to be exact), I took Roo to his soccer game and then we went out for breakfast and I heard this song on the radio. I had heard it many times before but this time it spoke to me. I felt it in my spirit that God was doing something inside of me and in my life. I even remember telling God while the song played that I wasn't sure if I was ready for any big changes. Because usually when God changes you, brings you closer to Him, or uses you in some way to help others, the process is not always easy or what you would choose. Little did I know that the next day I would be rushed to the ER and my day to day life would change drastically.

The past day or two I haven't really been able to pray. I try but can't seem to find the words.

My hands are fine, no seizures or tremors in almost a week but my legs don't work and I'm getting spasms in them really bad. I'm back to the wheel chair full time and to bed, expect like tonight when the pain in my legs is too much to stay in bed so I wheel myself to the computer and know I will be better after getting all of this out.

To be totally honest I'm a bit angry. I wish I could say I'm handling it great and be positive and uplifting but there is no use in lying to all of you when God knows exactly how I'm feeling. And this is what this blog is all about, being honest, with myself with God and complete strangers(ok, not all complete strangers but you get the point.)

I have found that I can listen to this song and sing it to God. I know He's doing something in my life and this illness is part of that. I haven't come to total acceptance of that. Maybe once there is a definite diagnosis it will be easier. I just don't know. But I do know that God understands my feelings, my questions and my fears. And all I can do is surrender to the waves that seem to be crashing over me right now.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)
By Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out