Whatever You're Doing

The day before my life suddenly changed(April 18 of this year to be exact), I took Roo to his soccer game and then we went out for breakfast and I heard this song on the radio. I had heard it many times before but this time it spoke to me. I felt it in my spirit that God was doing something inside of me and in my life. I even remember telling God while the song played that I wasn't sure if I was ready for any big changes. Because usually when God changes you, brings you closer to Him, or uses you in some way to help others, the process is not always easy or what you would choose. Little did I know that the next day I would be rushed to the ER and my day to day life would change drastically.

The past day or two I haven't really been able to pray. I try but can't seem to find the words.

My hands are fine, no seizures or tremors in almost a week but my legs don't work and I'm getting spasms in them really bad. I'm back to the wheel chair full time and to bed, expect like tonight when the pain in my legs is too much to stay in bed so I wheel myself to the computer and know I will be better after getting all of this out.

To be totally honest I'm a bit angry. I wish I could say I'm handling it great and be positive and uplifting but there is no use in lying to all of you when God knows exactly how I'm feeling. And this is what this blog is all about, being honest, with myself with God and complete strangers(ok, not all complete strangers but you get the point.)

I have found that I can listen to this song and sing it to God. I know He's doing something in my life and this illness is part of that. I haven't come to total acceptance of that. Maybe once there is a definite diagnosis it will be easier. I just don't know. But I do know that God understands my feelings, my questions and my fears. And all I can do is surrender to the waves that seem to be crashing over me right now.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)
By Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Faith and Fear?

I know I promised pics of Roo's room but I didn't get around to taking them.
The day started great but as it wore on I felt my symptoms coming back. I have been symptom free for almost 5 days and was beginning to get used to it and remember what it was to walk without a walker or wheel chair, what it was to sit and play with my kids, cook dinner and just do the little things around the house.

And then they came creeping back, not near as bad as they have been but enough to slow me down and put me in bed for a few hours. It's scary because I don't want to go back to where I was a month ago or even three weeks ago. I don't know what is going on with my body and why some days I'm fine and other's I can barely walk. I go back to my Nero Doc on June 10 and I hope he can figure this out. I know God is in control and I go back and forth between trusting Him and knowing He is in control to fearing the worst.

I do have Faith that He will work it out but does that mean I can't have fear too? I feel like if I have times of doubt that I'm not trusting God enough. And most of the time I do have a peace that everything will be ok but other times when the tremors start and I lose the ability to walk I feel the doubt creeping in.

I know God is in control and He will work this out whatever the outcome but when my symptoms come creeping back so does the doubt. I guess that just makes me human, or at least I hope it just makes me human.

Tomorrow will be better, if not then the next day will. I know through all of this He is holding me sfe in His hands as He always has.

Mistaken Identity

Carrie's comment on my wordless Wednesday post brought back some memories. She stated that me and Mee Mee aka Lometa looked a lot alike and asked if we had ever been mistaken as sisters. Well, everyone thinks we are sisters. We stopped correcting them oh about 8 yrs ago or so.

But in college we didn't get mistaken as sisters, nope, we got mistaken as the same person. All through college people called me Lometa and her Kiesha in passing or even in conversation, even our professors would do this from time to time.

But the best was when I went to the records office to pick up my transcripts, it was a small private college and I knew the lady working in there that day. So I just tell her that I need to get my transcripts. She looks them up for me, prints them out and hands them to me. I think nothing of it and head back to the dorm and then glance at the transcripts and it's Mee Mee's. I stood in the records office for 15 min at least talking to this women that I had talk to many times before and she still gave me Mee's records.

Now I do admit we look more like sisters even than me and my sister Kim, but the same person? That is a stretch. I have the curliest hair on earth and she has the straightest, and our face shape is different, and I'm at least 2 inches taller than her. She has brown eyes and I have green eyes, she tans I do not. Sisters I can see, but the same person. We still laugh about it 12 yrs later.

I just made this one for her from her trip, got to get it printed and sent.
I always have said that God knew I needed another sister when he took Kim, not that anyone could ever replace her but Mee is the closet thing and God-knew I needed her. (I have another non-bio sister, my little sister that I also feel like God sent me but that is a whole nother ballgame, she gave me my precious nieces but she's not on a good path right now and I havn't spoken to her in a while.)

I just wished Mee Mee lived closer.
But Roo says every night that he looks at his room and thinks about how much Mee Mee loves him.

I will post final pics of his room tomorrow if I get a chance, I will be by myself with both kids tomorrow for the first time in a long time so we will see if I have any energy left :)

Wordless Wednesday- More or Less

I was not allowed in Roo's room the entire time the painting was going on, I did manage to sneak in and get some photos taken so Roo will look back and see how hard I worked too. ;)
Although, I did not realize Mee Mee was going to try and paint my face. You can never tell about that one.

Just Normal Family Life, Amazing

It has been a really great weekend, minus the two seizures/episodes, but I have had full use of my legs and no numbness or tingling for four days now.

It really makes you appreciate every little thing.

I was even able to help Hubby finish hanging things up in Roo's room (pics soon I promise).
I also changed Rissa's room around and put some things on the wall. We painted her room in Nov. for her birthday but never really finished it.

Tonight while tucking the kids into bed, I realized how perfect all this is. We have our own home. It's nothing fancy but it's ours. Our kids have a room of their own and they have it painted in their favorite colors, decorated with their favorite characters.

I remember growing up, all I wanted was to be able to paint my room, have a beautiful comforter with curtains to match. We could never paint because we never owned our own home. Mom was a single parent working two jobs and still couldn't make ends meet, so there were no fancy comforters with matching curtains.

Don't get me wrong, we had more love than any two girls could ask for and she did the absolute best with the circumstances she was given.

It just makes me appreciate everything that we are able to give our kids. I'm not just talking about material things. Fixing up both their rooms did not cost much at all. It's the love we put into the rooms, it's the love we put into this house, the laughter and memories we have made and will continue to make in each room.

Tonight my heart is filled with gratitude. All my life, this is all I ever wanted. A home filled with a husband and kids who love me. Taco nights, family game nights, Candy Land on the living room floor, water gun fights in the backyard...just normal family life.

It's something I never had as a child and something I was certain that I never would have as an adult. And after all that has transpired the last month, I know how fleeting it all can be. So I'm holding on to every moment every memory with both hands and thanking God for blessing me with the little things in this life.

My Daughter the Beautician

I alluded earlier to Marissa doing something to her hair. Click here if you would like to see her handy work.

Today has been a good day, well after the EEG, I had a seizure/episode during it but the doc said that was what he wanted. But after that I have been fine just tired. But have full use of my hands and legs today, which is so wonderful.


Hope you all are having a great weekend.

What Really Doesn't Matter

When you have been in bed for the past few weeks and can barely make it by yourself to the bathroom, you begin to think about what really does matter. And this past week I have realized things that I used to flip out over, especially certain things that have happened this past week...well those things really don't matter very much anymore.
Here are a few:
*dark blue paint spilled on beige carpet- in the grand scheme of things it's just paint.

*your daughter scalping the top of her hair with gigantic scissors- it's just hair that WILL grow back. She now has a business in the back, party in the front thing going on (pictures soon).

*your daughter's dried blue hand prints placed around the house in certain sneaky places. Used to, I would flip out and scrub, now I just look at them and smile. It's just paint and reminds me what a little sneaky snake she is :)

*schedules, yes they are good but do the kids really have to be in the bath by 6:05 when we are playing in bed or reading a book.

*dessert before dinner or even for breakfast. This would never have been tolerated before (if I had known about it that is, remember we have grandparents living here.) But really in the grand scheme of things what is wrong with sneaking an Oreo before breakfast, it's a memory my children will not soon forget, especially eating them in bed with mom for breakfast :)

This,(illness disease) whatever this is, still to be determined, has really changed my outlook on life. I have good days and try to make the most of those days with the kids.

Yesterday, I was actually able to go outside and sit in the swimming pool with them. It was just an hour, but I'm learning to cherish every minute I get to have time with them without pain, or seizures or whatever other symptoms I may be having that day.

I'm learning to cherish the times I can actually sit up and get on the computer and type, actually feel the keys beneath my fingers and not have to look at each key.

I'm cherishing what really matters and forgetting about the rest because no one knows how much time they have on this earth. I could be hit by a car tomorrow, be diagnosed with a terminal illness or live to see my children grow and have children of their own. But the question will be what really did matter in the life I lived? Did I sweat the small stuff or cherish every minute, did I throw out the schedules from time to time and just focus on my family? Did I make sure they knew every second how much I loved them and cherished them?
This has kind of been my wake up call. I'm hoping it will end here and God will say "oh Kiesha's learned her lesson, she's fine now." But if not, I'm thankful I realized these things before it was too late.
__________________________________

On the health front, I have had two really good days, I have been able to walk and use my hands and no tremors or seizures. The new meds must be working. I go for an EEG tomorrow and he doesn't want me to take any medications, Doc says if I do have an episode it would really help to be able to diagnose me while I am hooked up to all the machines. Not looking forward to that but hey whatever it takes. :)

I got a call from social services, I have an appointment scheduled for June 4, they will be looking at all my medical bills to see if I qualify for a medicaid spend down for the months of April and May. Please Please pray, pray that we qualify. This would take a huge burden off of us because my bills are getting way up there. But if not I'm still leaving it in God's hands, I pick it back up from time to time, but always take it back...honest I do.
________________________________

Here are the pictures from yesterday, a couple of hours with just me and my kids. It was absolutely awesome!

I Snuck on Here for a Quick Update....Sshhh, Don't Tell My Nurses.

Hi guys, it's been a while.

There is a lot to catch you up on and really a lot to write about. But honestly, I don't know if I have the physical strength much less emotional, to go through all of the events of the last week.

The highs were Ruben's God mommy coming for a visit. He calls her Mee Mee. She is awesome and I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone like her in my life, I'm just so grateful she is in my life after all these years (we met in college.)

Her mom came with her and that was great too, I just could not get the woman to sit down and relax she was constantly cleaning. Apparently she is happiest when cleaning, what ever works I guess :) They stayed from Wed. thru Sat.

In that time Mee Mee painted Roo's room green and blue, put up star wars decals and light fixtures, took Ruben to his last soccer game of the season, cooked breakfast every morning and gave my mom a manicure. She was determined that his room would be done before she left even if that meant her having to stay up all night on Friday night, which is what she really done.

The hardest thing for her and it was pretty hard for me too, was her having to see me like this. I was in bed most of the time they were here, in severe pain. And had several seizures in front of her. She's a nurse so she put on a brave front but I know it was hard for her. It's hard for all of them when I go into a full on seizure and all you can do is get behind me and hold my arms and tell me to slow my breathing.


I went to the Neurologist yesterday, he sees my mom and I saw him about 9 yrs ago for my migraines, so I trust him a lot more than that other doctor.

He is determined to find out what is going on. I started shaking really bad in his office and he could not believe they let me out of the hospital like this. I told him I couldn't really walk when I left but I wasn't shaking really bad. He upped some of my medications and they seem to be controlling the tremors and the seizures. He ordered an EEG test for this coming SAT. I just hope I don't have an episode in the chair, that would not be good.

I've been dealing with hospital bills today, trying to make sure I call everyone to let them know where this all stands right now.
I have got to go into the medicaid office to apply for a medicaid spendown card but every time I speak with someone there they tell me I don't qualify. So the worker at the hospital said just to take all my bills and information down and demand to fill out an application. I will at least need to rejection letter to apply for some of the charity programs the hospital offers.

I try not to let that stress me out, there's not a darn thing I can do about it. It's in God's hands and that is where I am going to try to leave it.

Some days I can walk and some days I bounce, my legs look like jello actually. I'm not driving, no heavy lifting, no sitting up for long periods of time.

For now I am realizing just how little I appreciated my life. It is so awesome to be able to walk to the bathroom by myself or load the dishwasher, wipe down the bathroom sink or just brush my own teeth.

But I can't overdo it, so I will stop here. I will try to update more on my phone, it's just the last week or so it's been to hard to even lift my hands on the keyboard or complete a thought.

But i will have to come back soon and share what my beautiful little princess did yesterday....I still can' t believe she did it, but that is another post and I have the pictures to prove it.

I'm still hanging on to you God, whether I get better or whether I don't.

Here are some photos from her visit. Don't worry I will post pictures of the finished project soon. (Oh and yes she's a red head too ;)

Ruben's last soccer game.

Roo and Mee Mee starting on his room.

Taking a break from it all to go online and play some games.

Taking it Moment by Moment (with Pics)

Thank you lord.

I called the neurologist and they will see me. Hubby had to take money to them before I could even make an appointment and will have to take more when I go for my appointment May 18, next Monday. I'm so very thankful that I was able to get in and pretty quickly at that. The money thing will be a little tough but we will figure it out because I can't continue this way.

Today I had probably the worst episode ever. My feet just curled up on me while standing and my skin felt all prickly almost like an electric current was running through me, then the convulsions started, it was not a pretty site. This time I even started making some type of strange sound, my head was going from side to side, limbs everywhere.

I honestly have never been more scared in my life than I am when I am in the middle of one of these episodes or attacks, not sure what to call them. They definitely feel like an attack on my body.

It's like I have no control over my body. And my bones ache like nothing I have ever experienced before. Thankfully this one only lasted 15 minutes but afterward I was exhausted. Then a few hours later I am ok. It's very confusing and frustrating. If you had seen me at certain times on Sunday. you would not believe anything is wrong with me.

I have identified some triggers to my symptoms. Any type of lifting, or strenuous activity will bring on an attack. I think attempting to paint my son's room and moving his furniture counts as strenuous activity, but I wanted to help do his room. It's a birthday present from his Godmother who will be coming on Wed. She lives in Ohio and I wanted to get the room ready and walls primed so she will have enough time to work her magic and create an awesome Star Wars room.

My best friend is a nurse and she has mentioned a few disorders she is concerned it might be but I'm trying not to think about them until we know for sure. I just want to know something, I want to know what this is and how it can be treated. I just want a doctor to look at me and tell me it's not in my head.
We will not be going to Nashville on Friday for the MRI. Hubby and I discussed it and decided that doctor is just not for me and all he will bring us are more medical bills.

The assistant I spoke to at the new Nero's office could not understand why they had not done an EMG since I am having a lot of numbness and tingling sensation in all my extremities. I'm not sure why they didn't do that test either. The did do every other test imaginable.

I'm just grateful I can get into this Neurologist. I used to see him many years ago for my migraines and hopefully he will be kind and do everything to try and find out what is going on. Because honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can take this not knowing. This, whatever this is, is debilitating most days, but there are days or even just hours where I have little or no symptoms.

Here are some of those moments from Sunday.

I actually got dressed and was able to put on makeup. It's the little things these days that I appreciate more than ever before.

I will never outgrow this and I know the whole raw egg thing is not good but I have done this for 20 plus years and it is just so darn good.

My princess.

Mom was thrilled about getting a green purse, again, the little things in life :)

They had to deliver the cake to me in bed because when they started on the cake I was fine licking beaters and posing for pictures but by the time the cake was done I had to be in bed to deal with another attack.

I'm just trying to take this moment by moment, get through the bad ones and enjoy every second of the good ones.

I just have to add that God is so good and knows exactly what we need, today was tough but he sent someone to me who can relate somewhat to what I am going through and it was great to talk to someone who has been there.

Prayer Request

Today was a wonderful celebration of mothers Day and my birthday. I will post pics and write more about it later.

Tonight I'm here asking for your prayers once again. Today was not a good day for me physically, I've had muscle spasms, my entire body is filled with pins and needle sensations and the pain has been pretty severe but has eased up tonight.

I don't understand because yesterday I had hardly any symptoms. I even crawled around the garden and pulled weeds and clipped plants.

We are scheduled to go back to Nashville this Friday for an MRI of my head. I really don't want to see that doctor ever ever again. And I don't really think he will really look at these tests because he only ordered them to appease me.

So, I'm going to call a Neurologist in the morning here in town. My Mom goes to him and I used to see him about 8 years ago for my migraines. So I thought maybe that connection could get me in the office. I don't have insurance, we can pay some up front but not sure how much they will ask for.

So here are my prayer requests:
*Please pray that I can get out of bed tomorrow, I will be the only one here with Marissa all morning so I need to be in full control of my body.

*Pray for God to start working on the heart of the person I will be speaking to at the doctors office now.

*Pray that I can get all the information out to the person on the other side of the phone without breaking down. This has taken such an emotional toll on me and it's hard to explain it over and over. I am writing everything down tonight so with that and God I'll be OK.

*Pray that he will see me and can get me in soon. And lastly that we will find out for certain what is wrong so we can start treatment (whatever it may be) and I can get back to taking care of my babies and my mama.

Thank you all and hope you all had an amazing day with your families.
Oh and if you get a minute go over here, my friend Nicole aka Girl Child is having a give away.

Yes, She's Done It Again

OK, so I know someone had a bet going out there on how long I would leave my blog alone. And I'm pretty sure Sheryl won that one.

I was working on Girl Child's blog and I couldn't help myself when I got finished with hers. And the bad thing is, I know just enough to be dangerous on here.
I lost my three blog column while messing with mine, I remember how long it took to get that third column and decided that for today I like mine just the way it is. Besides the background that I have doesn't come as a three column one. And 'a journey to forever' could not be more perfect for this blog at the moment,' don't quote me on that, if it's gone tomorrow. lol EDIT: By the time this post was finished it was no longer the layout 'a journey to forever' it was 'monkey see monkey do', fun wins out everytime, plus that layout was hard to read the posts.

It's a good thing I do them myself, even though they don't look professional and all, because if I paid for them I would be blowing money every month, that's about as long as one has lasted.
Although the one on our family blog has lasted a while now and I have no plans to change it because it took me FOREVER to get it all pulled together.

Anyways, I'm rambling. I do that when I don't want to talk about what is really going on. Though I'm sure if you have been here long enough you already know that.

I will be 33 tomorrow. Age has never really bothered me. I guess I got another perspective on age when I lost so many in the same car accident I survived (at 16). So I have embraced every year I have grown older knowing it was one more that they didn't get, so I better enjoy it and live it to it's fullest.

This year seems a little different because I don't feel like I am able to live life to the fullest, well not what my definition of that used to be. I don't know what is wrong with me, just that I can't seem to control my body and I'm only 33. The medicines seem to be helping. I can walk more, with the use of buddy (my walker) and speedy (my wheelchair) if I have to go long distances. I can even at times go around the house without either but not for very long.

I don't know what God is doing but I do know He's up to something.
I was looking back at some of the first posts on this blog and I found this one, my very first. It was most appropriately titled, Starting This Journey Here is an excerpt:

In 2008, I started following other blogs and went on journeys with women who lost their babies, faced divorce, dealt with serious illnesses, and even the death of their spouse. I was touched by the way they shared their pain so openly and honestly and I saw that it was a part of their healing process and helped others to heal also.

I wish that I had would have had a blog when I had to face certain challenges and tragedies in my own life. There is nothing worse than facing a tragedy head on feeling completely alone. Even if you know Jesus as you Lord and Savior, it's still hard.

Only God knew when I wrote that what was up ahead for me and only He knows now. He also knew that I would need to take this journey with all of you.

So I thank all of you for coming here. Because when God told me to start a blog that was just for me, Him and only others I did not know personally and He said people would read it. I had to laugh, yes I laughed at God. I hesitated to put up a followers button for the longest because I just knew no one would follow. Now I have 10 and it amazes me. Yes I know in the blog world 10 is nothing but to me and God it's everything. Your support uplifted me in the hospital and your prayers comforted me when the doctors just shook their heads.

And in the days or even years ahead this blog will be as it has been since that first post, a place I can be me. A place I can express myself, find support, give support and feel His presence all around me because I know this is a place I built with Him.

Edit# 2 Yes I changed it one last time. I finally found the layout that went with my button but my header did not match so I spent forever on it and just now at 10 pm got finished. Atleast I haven't been bored in bed all day but boy I'm I gonna be in pain tomorrow, I can feel it already. Going for a nice long soak, wished it were in bubbles but no, it's Epson Salt.
Have a great day girls, I will eat some birthday cake for ya :)

Not a Good Day

I have had a horrible migraine today and it is just letting up a little now.

I am depressed, Sunday is Mothers Day and my birthday.

I was hoping someone could take me out to get presents and cards but not sure that will happen.

I want to be able to tell you all I can handle this but it is wearing my on spirit. I want to say I trust God and I do, but I have my moments when the fear, the worry doubt and depression come flooding my soul.

Tomorrow, will be better. It always is after these kind of days.


Happy MOTHERS DAY To All of YOU, sending big hugs!

Frustrated and Disheartened

The appt. did not go well & I am so upset that this will be short.

He basically did not listen when I described the stroke like symptoms I have been having, he said it was due to all the pain I was having but yet he won't give me anything for the pain, not even for my migraines.

He refused to write anything to social services to help me get a medical card. He said my family doc had to do that. I don't have a family doctor u niwit (I could say alot worse but I won't.)
After basically hounding him and almost arguing with him, he ordered another MRI to see if it is strokes or seizures I have been having. See these episodes happened after getting out of hodspital so it would not have shown up on those tests if it is mini strokes.
He did give me ativan which the Er Doc had given me and hasscontolled my tremors completly. He also prescribed another medicine to help me sleep.

He was rude, arrogant and I was in tears in his office.

I'm tired and want this to be over, I am in bed and I'gonna pull the covers over my head and maybe stay here for days.

Aparently, I Didn't Do It, but Do Not Despair

I was informed by a friend that my button doesn't exactly work. It doesn't take you directly to my blog, just a link that you have to click on and then you get my blog.

It must have been all the bragging.

But I will get it fixed, after all, I'm a redhead and giving up is not in our DNA :)

But if anyone out there knows about blog buttons feel free to share your knowledge. My friend Tanya did hers in no time and she is so gifted and creative, has a wonderful blog and is so encouraging and positive.

And in no way am I trying to suck up, all those things are true, but maybe there is a bit sucking up going on. : )

And to the ones I promised to make a button for don't despair, it will get done just not as quickly as planned.


I can't sleep tonight, dreading doc app. to Nashville. but I better try and get some rest.
Night,
Girls

Please Pray

The same thing that happened to me on sunday when we went to ER has happened 4 times since then. last night was the worst,it happened at 3am.

My head started hurting,I had neck pain & then the scary symptoms started. I couldn't feel my face, left arm was numb and I could not move it for 5 minutes & then when I did, I had no control over it, & no coordination at all. my speech was slurred & I couldn't stop drooling. This lasted for for 45minutes, the longest one so far. Then it goes away and I just feel exhausted. It happened again this afternoon, this one lasted 30 min.

These episodes did not happen before or during, my stay in the hospital.

We have a few nurses in our family and they seem to think i have the symptoms of TIA, mini strokes. And Hubby researched it and I do have all the symptoms of TIA.

Nero doc appointment is tomorrow in Nashville.

Please pray he can diagnose this, which i was told today by medicaid worker, would go along way and also if he would write out that i will be incapacitated, that would be helpful to.

Please pray for my mom, she was diagnosed with Parkinson Disease yesterday and severe nerve damage in both legs.

Please pray for a safe trip tomorrow and for peace for all of us.

Thank u all for your prayers and concerns. It gives me strength to make it through the day. I thank God for giving me each one of u.

oh and please look over all the grammatical errors. I have no strength to proofread this.

I Did it! I Did it!

Ok, so I know it isn't really a big deal to most in the blogger world because you see them everywhere and most create their own. But I have been trying forever now and I finally did it. I created my very own blog button, oh it's the little things in life when you are tied to your bed all day that make you overjoyed.

I had created one the other day but the code wasn't right and after staring at the button I decided it was too boring and so not me.

And I can already see that I will go back and change this one a little, make the letters a big bigger so you can read it. I'm sure the more I look at it the more I will see things that need to be changed. But I digress.

I now know how to create one and put the code on my blog so others, surely someone out their will have pity on me and grab it, I am technically a cripple and bed bound, someone, anyone? : )
I apologize if my humor is not coming across tonight just remember, I'm drugged and sleep deprived.

For anyone who does not know how to do this, please tell me I'm not the only one. Here is the site that helped me. It took me a few tries but I finally got it. I tried it out on our family blog and it worked but if it doesn't work for you please let me know.

Oh, and please don't tell hubby I'm up on the computer at almost 1 am. This is the first time I have been actually on the computer and not my phone.


Don't really want to talk medical stuff tonight, I will say that we go to Nashville on Wed to see Nero Doc after my episode on Sunday.

Back From ER

After spending most of the day at the ER we are home.

I talked hubby in to letting me go to church this morning, I was feeling better and went in Speedy, that's my pet name for my wheel chair.

I was feeling OK until we pulled in the driveway and without any warning, my left arm went numb and limp. I could not move it. I started slurring my speech and drooling. Then my uncontrollable tremors started so hubby went straight to ER.

Not surprisingly, the doc didn't know much more than the others. He stopped the tremors with iv Ativan and sent me home with a prescription for it.All he said was I was having neurological tremors and the numbness can be caused by severe stress on your body.I feel better now, I'm medicated too and the tremors have stopped.

The walker has been taken away from me because I fell in the kitchen after getting back. So I am stuck with Speedy for now.

I will be honest and say I'm so scared,I have lost control of my body and I never know when it will hit.The scary part is I don't know what is wrong with me. If I just knew, I could come up with a plan and do what I needed to do to get over or through it. That's how my mind works. But I guess God has a different plan and wants me to trust Him completely but that is so very hard for me.

It breaks my heart that my kids are having to watch me lose control of my body and it really scares them.

I try to hide the fear and be strong for all of them because I know they are worried, especially my mom and she can't get out of bed to take care of me and I can't imagine how hard that is on her.

It's when I am alone that the fear takes over and the tears fall and I let it all out to God. It's strange but even when I'm scared and can't stop the tears I still feel like Jesus has me safely wrapped in His arms.

Please pray that I can get some rest and sleep tonight. Please pray for my family, hubby is so exhausted and I think he's coming down with something.

Mom has a doctors appointment tomorrow and I will be here with the kids for a couple of hours by myself, which worries me a little because I can't stand not being able to take care of them like I always have. But I guess if we can keep the tremors under control we can ride around in Speedy until the grown ups get back and put me back to bed. :)

Well speaking of adults I have just been ordered to put the phone up and take my meds and go to bed. I better do it because if they take my phone I will surely lose my mind.

We R Moving Into the ER

We R back in the ER at Jennie Stuart Medical Center again. Docs arw running some blood work but he seems to think her limp arms, legs, numbness, numb and tingly mouth, is caused by anxiety.

They've given her something to relax her, for her oncoming migraine headache, and I guess we'll wait and see.

--Hubby

You're Gonna Miss This....Moment

I realized while in the hospital just how much the little moments matter. The good night kisses I was not there for, the boo boos I didn't get to kiss, the birthday party I missed. I also realized that we aren't promised tomorrow so we need to hang on to and enjoy every single moment to the fullest.

There are times when I think I might loose my mind being confined to bed and then my children (and our dog Toby, who normally isn't allowed in the bed) climb in bed with me and we have story time and cuddle time. And I forget all the other stuff that weighs my mind down.

Pam's.

Check out more Moments at

Oh, and Marissa loves the wheel chair rides around the house. I won't miss the wheel chair moments but I am pretty sure she will. :)

Info on My States Medical Coverage

Thank you for all your comments, concerns and links concerning medical coverage in my state.

Here is a run down, which I hope makes sense because I'm a little medicated at the moment....but feeling no pain. :)

The kids are covered through a program called KCHIP, Kentucky's Children's Health Insurance program. We pay a monthly premium for this and co pays but its nothing what we would pay if we had to get private insurance. They don't qualify for Medicaid because my husband makes too much, which I find laughable. They don't offer insurance at my hubby's work which is also laughable to me because he is a director of a senior center.

We can't count my mom and DD in the number of people because their income would also have to be counted, they know they live here but we have to fix meals separately and all that good stuff.

I did talk to the kids medicaid worker today and she said I would possibly qualify for a medicaid spend down if my bills are more than hubby makes in a month, which made me have to stifle my laughter because they are more than he makes in a year. But it would only cover the month I was in the hospital and I would probably not qualify for anything else.

We have looked into private insurance for me but with my past health issues it was astronomical and there was no way we could afford it. We also used to use the free medical clinic here a year or so ago but now hubby makes a few thousand over so we don't qualify for that either.

I am trusting God with it all, He can make a way when there looks like there is not one. I just have my weak moments where it gets so overwhelming, so I come here and always feel better.

Thank each of you for visiting, for leaving comments and even the many that visit and do not leave comments. I know you are there and it means more than I can say.

Not a Good Day

Today I am tired and frustrated. I got up to pour Marissa a cup of milk and my right side started shaking uncontrollably and milk went everywhere. My kids saw this and I think they were scared, that broke my heart.

On days like today it's hard to understand why this is happening and why my body is turning on me. I just want to be able to take are of my kids and I'm so sick of being in this bed.

The bills are pouring in already and I have no idea how we are going to pay them, much less get a doctor to see me for follow up care and my medicines when I have no insurance. And without the medication I have almost no control over my body.

They are pretty sure that I can get a medical card for April but not beyond that for my follow up care.

It's in God's hands and I'm trying my best to trust in Him with all my heart.
I know He has it all under control but I also know He understands my confusion and frustration.