Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Not My Will But Thine

Just FYI, you may get tired of my constant blogging but there is not much I can do right now and this seems to help so hang in there with me :)

I've been thinning about what lessons God may be trying to teach me out of all of this. I mean I have gone through the whole physical recovery process before, had to learn to walk again, learn how to get by with only one full functioning hand for almost a year and went throughout 11 surgeries and a year of out patient physically therapy.

So I just assumed that this was something I would never have to go through again. I felt like I paid my dues so to speak and it was someone elses turn (not a very Christian way of looking at it but I'm just being honest here, which is the only place I feel I can be totally honest right now.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has faced tragedy in life and look at others who seem to have not gone through many hardships in their lives and feel like it should be their turn. Again, not a very Christian attitude but bear with me and I will get to the point of all of this.

But what I have learned through this recent set back in my health is that while we sometimes feel entitled to live a tragedy free life or once we have faced one or two tragedies we feel we should be exempt from any other major ones and that my friends, is just not true.

I have lost a lot of people in my life, my sister, my father, two best friends and my best friend's 4 yr old daughter. I had a crappy abusive childhood and watched my father die a horrible death from AIDS.I've watched my mother suffer for the last 2 yrs and now she's completely bed bound and has not walked in over a year.

Yet, this in no way means I am exempt from going through anymore tragedies. It just doesn't work that way. God is God and is plan His much bigger than we can ever wrap our brains around.

And yes, I have had my temper tantrums with God asking how much more God, how much more can I go through.

But what I have discovered or what God has revealed to me in a way He never has before, is that God does not promise that I will never face another tragedy in my life even if I do feel like I have faced quite enough.

I'm not promised tomorrow or the use of my legs or even to watch my children grow up. I'm not promised that my children will remain healthy. I pray for these things but I'm not entitled to them just because I feel I have gone through quite enough, or because I love Jesus with all my heart and try my best to live the life He wants me to.

All He promises me is that He will not give me more than I can bear and He will never leave or forsake me. I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I'm ok with that. Because He works all things together for the Good for those that love Him. And I am who I am because of every trial and tragedy I have had to go through.

And though I may have my temper tantrums with God from time to time, He understands that too.

This is just one more chapter in my journey and I will continue to trust Him and pray for His strength, mercy and wisdom.

Just an update, today I woke up feeling better but as the day wears on, I get tired and the pain increases. I'm still having some tremors but not has severe has before I have an appointment with my neurologist in May who isn't really wanting to see me without insurance but says he will at least once.
I also go in may to see if I can get a medicaid card to cover my bills for April.
So please pray for these things, and if you have pray lists at churches I would be honored if you would put me and my family on them. Some have already done this and it is a great encouragement to have people we don't know and may never meet praying for us.

1 comment:

Girl Child said...

You sound JUST like my friend Thea.. her daughter was born at 30 weeks with some difficulties (shes now 5) and then her son was born at 29 weeks with severe disabilities and she's just like "why me?" and "i cant take anymore!" I feel so bad for her.. her life is 24/7 craziness.. shes a "mom" but nothing in the normal sense of being a mom.. ANYWAYS.. thats something you can kind of be thankful for.. that it's u going through the rough times and not ur children.. Look at the wonderful life your children have.. YOU did that (and the hubs of course).. but I mean look at how u were raised and then look at them!! You triumphed through some serious **** girl!! and the product is two amazing kids.. I hope things start looking on the up-and-up for you soon.. I agree with ur attitude of you have been thru enough! LOL I feel like I haven't really been thru anything (knock on wood) and that at any moment something tragic is going to happen.. its a horrible way to live honestly.. constantly in fear.. (ok, that sounds like im anyways.. what Im trying to say is FEEL BETTER SWEETY! ;)