I Missed these Crazy Kids

These were taken while I was gone.

This one was taken yesterday from my bed, which is where I spend most of my time for now. That's Toby with me and Roo, he's not allowed in the bed so hopefully Hubby won't see this picture :)

Today I am tired but can't seem to get any rest. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Not My Will But Thine

Just FYI, you may get tired of my constant blogging but there is not much I can do right now and this seems to help so hang in there with me :)

I've been thinning about what lessons God may be trying to teach me out of all of this. I mean I have gone through the whole physical recovery process before, had to learn to walk again, learn how to get by with only one full functioning hand for almost a year and went throughout 11 surgeries and a year of out patient physically therapy.

So I just assumed that this was something I would never have to go through again. I felt like I paid my dues so to speak and it was someone elses turn (not a very Christian way of looking at it but I'm just being honest here, which is the only place I feel I can be totally honest right now.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has faced tragedy in life and look at others who seem to have not gone through many hardships in their lives and feel like it should be their turn. Again, not a very Christian attitude but bear with me and I will get to the point of all of this.

But what I have learned through this recent set back in my health is that while we sometimes feel entitled to live a tragedy free life or once we have faced one or two tragedies we feel we should be exempt from any other major ones and that my friends, is just not true.

I have lost a lot of people in my life, my sister, my father, two best friends and my best friend's 4 yr old daughter. I had a crappy abusive childhood and watched my father die a horrible death from AIDS.I've watched my mother suffer for the last 2 yrs and now she's completely bed bound and has not walked in over a year.

Yet, this in no way means I am exempt from going through anymore tragedies. It just doesn't work that way. God is God and is plan His much bigger than we can ever wrap our brains around.

And yes, I have had my temper tantrums with God asking how much more God, how much more can I go through.

But what I have discovered or what God has revealed to me in a way He never has before, is that God does not promise that I will never face another tragedy in my life even if I do feel like I have faced quite enough.

I'm not promised tomorrow or the use of my legs or even to watch my children grow up. I'm not promised that my children will remain healthy. I pray for these things but I'm not entitled to them just because I feel I have gone through quite enough, or because I love Jesus with all my heart and try my best to live the life He wants me to.

All He promises me is that He will not give me more than I can bear and He will never leave or forsake me. I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I'm ok with that. Because He works all things together for the Good for those that love Him. And I am who I am because of every trial and tragedy I have had to go through.

And though I may have my temper tantrums with God from time to time, He understands that too.

This is just one more chapter in my journey and I will continue to trust Him and pray for His strength, mercy and wisdom.

Just an update, today I woke up feeling better but as the day wears on, I get tired and the pain increases. I'm still having some tremors but not has severe has before I have an appointment with my neurologist in May who isn't really wanting to see me without insurance but says he will at least once.
I also go in may to see if I can get a medicaid card to cover my bills for April.
So please pray for these things, and if you have pray lists at churches I would be honored if you would put me and my family on them. Some have already done this and it is a great encouragement to have people we don't know and may never meet praying for us.

I Could not Ask for a Better Man

He never left my side in the hospital. He bathed me in the hospital has given me showers since we have been home, with the help of the shower chair. He dresses me and waits on me hand and foot and has worried himself sick. Most importantly he has kept me laughing through it all.

I don't have the words to say just how much I love this man and how thankful I am that God sent him to me.

Finding the Strength

Today was a good day but tonight the uncontrollable tremors have started and it's hard to control my body movements. It feels at times that my body is turning on me.
I found this song earlier and it has really spoken to me tonight.
(Don't forget to pause the music player at the bottom)

One Day at a Time

Today is better. I woke up and my head was hurting really bad but it is a lot better now.

I was able to walk to the bathroom with less pain than usual and I am coming to terms with my buddy, the walker.

The up side is I have been praying more and opening my bible, which is something I had not done in a while, opening my bible that is.

I just keep hanging on to the fact God is in control and this will all work out.

I still have my moments and throw my little temper tantrums with God because I want to be able to take care of my family but for now I just have to take care of them in a different way.
And I am ok with that for now, I just have to take it one day at a time.

Oh, and have I mentioned how much I love my new phone, I can post and email right from my bed. It's the little things in life. :)

This Sucks

First let me get this out of the way,
Yes I know it could be worse and at least I can walk, even if it is just to the bathroom with a walker and I am thankful for that truly I am.

But it still sucks.

I can't take care of my kids, I have to ask someone to bring me food, water or whatever I need at the time. My independent side is really having a hard time with all of this right now.

And it sucks.

I'm thankful the tremors have stopped and I can actually feed myself with my right hand, but it still sucks.

I can't dress or feed my kids and it sucks.

I try to sit up in the wheel chair and roll around the house but the pain becomes unbearable and it sucks.

I received my first hospital bill for $8,000, just for the two ER visits and one night in the hospital (before I was transferred to Nashville) I don't have insurance and it sucks.

The bill from Saint Thomas will probably be around $60,000 or more and that sucks too.

I still have a peace about all of this, it's just hard to focus on that when there are so many things that suck right now.

But I'm home with my kids.

I'm eating for the first time in a week, real food, so much for all the weight I have lost. Which the doctors seem to think was a side effect from my condition (a condition that no one seems to have an exact name for as of yet).

The weight loss factor is one of the things that doesn't really suck though.

Oh and I have my phone that has Internet access which is awesome when you are in bed, however it takes forever and nothing is spelled right but who cares in the grand scheme of things.

Your comments and emails have meant more than I can ever express. The highlight of my day, other than cuddling with my kids, is checking my blog and email.

Thank you all and maybe just maybe things won't be as sucky tomorrow.

God Bless

From My Point of View

I will keep this short and sweet, because I have not yet masted the art of typing on my very small new phone.I don't know what your guys know because I haven't been able to read the updates.

So here is my version, as some of you may already know I have been experiencing symptoms of tinging and numbness in my hands and fee for quite a while. This goes as far back as when Marissa was born, two years ago.

I thought it was nothing and it never lasted longed than 3 days. And of course, I do not have insurance so seeing a doctor was pretty much out of the question.

Friday and Sat. I did not feel very week, but I made myself just push through it because really what can you do.

I took Roo to his soccer game last sat morning but upon arriving home I could barley walk and had to resort to using my mom's walked just to get around. I was totally against going to the ER, no insurance and we are just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and build back our credit and such.

Sunday morning was one of the scariest times in my life. I couldn't feel my legs,they felt heavy and I could feel pressure but could not pick them up off the bed and when I stood I could see that they were on the floor but could not feel the floor beneath me. I finally let Hubby take me to the ER and they did not find anythinhg wrong. I honestly was beginning to think it was all in my head and wondered if maybe I should be committed, no I'm not joking here.

Sunday night, I started having muscle spasms that I could not control. My arms and legs just started moving on there own. I won't lie, I was terrified. I also felt like someone had given me an epidural. My legs were so very heave. So Hubby called the ambulance at 10 Sunday night. They admitted me and I saw a neurologist on Monday. He examined me and said there was something wrong. Without even discussion the results he had me transferred by ambulance at around1 1 pm Monday night. All I knew was that he said there was a spinal compression. So he sent me to a neurosurgeon in Nashville.
They did a gazillion tests, very painful and admitted me to the Nero ICU. All he found on the tests was a degenerative disk, that apparently has been causing a lot of my back pain. But did not account for the numbness and shaking. Oh did I mention by this time my right side would shake uncontrollable. That was so frustrating, I kept telling it to spot but to no avail So they finally brought in a neurologist. He told me what I needed to hear.

He said he could not prove it with a test but there was something really wrong with me. When he walked out the door I burst into tears. That is all I wanted to hear, that there was indeed a problem and it wasn't in my head. I guess felt validated after all these years living in pain someone finally told me it was real and not in my head.

He told me that the tremors on my Right side has mostly do with my car accident many years ago.
because my right side was the part that was busted up so badly in the accident.
So the plan is to treat it with Medicine, which has already started to control the tremors. I just have to build my strength up and get off that darn walker.

I do know that I have to take it easy. I have a lot of pain, and feel dizzy when getting up. But I'm determined. I just have to approach this like I did 17 years ago when I had to learn how to walk again after my car accident.

I have so much more to share, things God showed me and taught me through all of this but I'm tired so I will end here.

You will never ever know what your comments, prayers, and thoughts have meant to my family.
Oh and if there is anyway to put me on a prayer list on your Church, your friends or even you blog if you so desire, please do.

It's really hard on my husband having to do it all and this has taken a lot out of him and also my aunt having to take care of my mom and the kids.

My prayer requests:
*That I will get that medical card and the phone interview will go great on Tuesday. But honestly I've turned that over to God, if I get it great, if not I know God will handle it. He has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding throughout all of this. Don't get me wrong, I have yelled and cried and asked why, Because personally I think I have been through quite enough in my 32 years. But I'm not promised tomorrow or the use of my legs or even to spend another birthday with my children. All I know is He has gathered me in his arms through all of this, held me and given me a peace I can't explain.

*Please pray for my mom and my whole family, I know this is tough on them.

* And lastly, please pray for my 3 month old neice. You can find out more about that here
Well hope this makes sense. It's taken forever to type if on my phone, and if it doesn't go through well I just may have a temper tantrum, but God understands

Kiesha Having a Restful Day

Kiesha has been home now for close to 22 hours and she is doing better. She is eating more, walking more, sleeping more, and relaxing more. She is still dealing with a headache, her neck pain, and back pain but the only prescription right now is rest and muscle relaxers. I have bought Kiesha a therapeutic foam contoured pillow hoping that helps with the next pain. I bought some therapeutic heat pads to put on her neck and alternate with a cold compress.

I know that she wants to catch up with everyone out there in "Blogger"land and cyberspace. So in order to make sure she doesn't over do it, I saved all her favorite blogs on her phone so that she can go online while still in bed resting. She's getting the hang of her new phone and I think she likes it a lot.

All Kiesha wanted over the past 72 hours was to go home. I can tell you now that it is good to be home. Nothing beats home. When all of us feel ill, tired, awful, stressed, and any number of other uncomfortable situations we always just want to go home. I know that home is often times a place but for everyone it is always a feeling - a feeling of comfort, a feeling of love, a feeling of belonging, a feeling of relief, or a feeling of purpose. Home is always a place you can turn to and it is always a place of healing. I hope you all have a "home".

A word to all you mommies out there - please take a lesson from Kiesha and do not try to be super mommies or caregivers. Always pray for love, patience, strength, and fortitude then listen to how God responds. First and foremost listen to what God tells you through your own body. When your body aches it is your body and, more importantly, God telling you to slow down and rest. Pray to Jesus for healing but then ask others for help. No doubt God has placed a loving hubby, friend, sister, brother, or neighbor in your life that is able to help and will do so. Talk to them and ask for help.

If you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, take it from me it is not, but do take that as a message from God to step back and reassess what is happening in your life. Often times stress, pain, frustration, and confusion isoloates you and blocks you from feeling God's love. You can open yourself to God's love but you can also block out God's love and care. God creates life through a family, but your family is greater than your spouse and your kids. The family you have in place is how God immediately and concretely graces you with His love and care for you. The more you reach out and surround yourself with these persons the more you'll feel God's love. The less you reach out to these folks and carry on more than your share of work, problems, etc, the less you'll feel God's love.

A perfect example is all of you here in "Blogger"land. I know Jenn but other than that I do not know a single one of you but I know you are family for Kiesha. She reached out to you and you responded with your prayers to comfort both of us. As I have said previously your prayers, lifted her up emotionally, spiritually, and physically. She definitely felt God's love through you, through our church family in Hopkinsville, through my co-workers, and through our neighbors.

I am glad Kiesha is home. I wish she felt 100% better. I pray for healing more than anything but I know it is out of my hands. I do not know God's plan but I do not worry about not knowing -- what shall be His will shall be His will. I trust that He will cradle my family in His arms, like we cradle our children. I pray for fortitude and the love I need to care for Kiesha and my family. I pray for peace to not worry about things that I cannot control. I pray for peace so that I may not worry about how we will pay for all her medical costs, but pray for faith and trust in God - that God will not provide us with a burden that we cannot carry.

This may be my last post on Kiesha's blog since this takes time away from caring for my kids, Kiesha, and mother-in-law. So in my parting words I thank you all for your intercessary prayers because God listens to the prayers of the righteous. I will ask that you continue to pray. If you are Catholic, or even if you are not Catholic but believe those in Christ are alive in heaven, then pray and ask Mother Teresa that she ask Jesus to care for Kiesha the same way she cared for the sick and poor of Calcutta. Pray and ask our Mother Mary that she may ask her son to heal Kiesha back to health. What son refuses his mother? :-)

May God bless you this day and forever.
Yours truly,
Jose Quinonez

Going Home

Through sheer determination, if not hard-headedness, Kiesha has asked to be discharged to go home.

I am picking up her meds. She will likely see the neuro doc on an outpatient basis and we will go from there.

-- Hubby

Hospital Update 2

Kee is currently sleeping and resting after getting up, walking to shower, and then making second effort at walking to hallway. She got very dizzy and nauseous at the end there.

Like a true mom she worries about the kids, her mom, Deana, the housework, me, and how we will pay for all this medical treatment. Sometimes there is no consoling her. Nevertheless, your prayers do lift her up emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Well as I was sending this email she got up and walked to the recliner. So that is good.

-- Hubby

Hospital Update 1

Kiesha is okay. All scans of spine & head came negative in turning up a culprit for the tremors, numbness, & weakness in arms & legs. Neurologist thinks problem is related to old accident injuries.

He's prescribed muscle relaxers & physical therapy to help her relax, regain strength, and begin to walk again.

We appreciate everyone's prayers & support.

Kee will walk again. If for no other reason than she has to in order to leave the hospital. :-)

Ruben had a good birthday celebration all day long, starting with his preschool and ending at home with "Da Girls".

I'll continue to keep all posted on the latest with Kee now that I have her new Samsung Eternity phone with unlimited internet. Woohooo!!

Yours truly,
Hubby

Getting Specific

(Posted by Kiesha's friend, JennH)

Unfortunately there's not a lot to update still on what is going on with Kiesha. Her husband told me that the doctors didn't think the spinal compression was the cause of her issues, and they were going to due a CT of her brain to see if they found something there. But, after speaking to Kiesha's mom today, she said all the tests are still not revealing a true reason that this is happening to her.

She is still at St. Thomas hospital in Nashville, and she is still not able to use her legs. They have put her in a wheelchair for now, and still plan to do more testing to find out what's going on, but their best guess for now is that it is something related to the car wreck she was in as a teenager.

She's just in this frustrating place where she's presented with these terrifying symptoms, but no answers to help guide her to help.

Anyway, there are a few things that Kiesha requested specific prayer for.

One is that her doctors think that because of her condition that she may qualify for a medical card that would provide health coverage for the things she will definitely need (such as home healthcare, prescriptions, and such.) So, this would obviously be a huge blessing for them and another huge weight off of her mind!!! We definitely need to pray that this comes through for them!!

The other thing is we need to pray that she does regain control of her legs. I can't even imagine how terrifying it must be to be so young and lose the ability to walk. She's got two small kids (5 and 2 yrs old) that definitely keep her on the move. And I know that she wants to be able to move right along with them. I know that no matter what happens, Kiesha will find a way to do what needs to be done. She's one of the toughest people I know, and things like this seem to just make her stronger. But, I don't want her to have to go through that. She needs her legs, Lord, and I pray that You will completely heal them for her.

Thanks for the prayers that you all have already given for her, and just continue to lift her up. She needs to be wrapped in the Lord's comfort more than ever right now.

P.S. HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY RUBEN!!!! Mommy would definitely be there for you today if she could!!!

Kiesha needs our prayers

This a friend of Kiesha's posting this message for her.



Kiesha called me earlier to ask that I post this for her. She has had some concerning medical issues (a spinal cord compression) that has caused her to need immediate treatment at a hospital in Nashville.



She's obviously very scared because the compression has caused her to loose feeling and control of her legs. And she's very worried because of the financial implications this may cause. Lastly, she's very upset because her little boy's birthday is on Thursday and she's not sure if she will be home for it.



Please send up some prayers for her now. Pray for an easy healing, and strength and comfort from the Lord to get her through this scary time. Also pray for the caretakers that are with her children. She's the most concerned about them right now.



Kiesha, we are thinking of you!!! (((HUGS))) and prayers!!!!



(she said she would inform me as she knows more, and I will share what I can when I can).

Who Am I Wednesdays

*The daughter desperately trying to take care of her mother.

*The Child of God still searching for answers.

*The new bicyclist who is loving her freedom in the late afternoons thanks to a little girl I found in the blogging world.

*The mother whose firstborn is about to turn 5 this month and who is not ready to give up 4 yet.

*The woman trying to stay on this weight loss journey but loves chocolate cup cakes just a little too much.

*The Aunt who is worried sick about her two nieces because their mother is on drugs and in and out of jail.

*The one of many riding this crazy roller coaster of life but hanging on to God at every turn.

*Blessed beyond measure.

You can find the first Who Am I? here. I thought I would continue it because I received such great responses and got to know you guys better. I'm not doing the mr. linky thing yet, maybe in the future but for now I'm OK with just doing it this way. So, feel free to Post your own Who Am I? on your blog, link me or not, or just post it in a comment.
Have a great Monday!

The Real Me

I believe this is why God put it on my heart to start this blog. So that I can find the real me and discover how to show it to the world and not be ahsamed. And maybe just maybe my journey will cause someone else to take their mask off too.
Don't forget to pause the music player at the bottom.

Inspiration in a Little Girl's Eyes

As most of you know, I'm on a journey to find myself, step out of my comfort zone, discover just who I am, not who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, caretaker, aunt, sister, homemaker and friend, but as a woman , an athlete, an artist, a writer, a beginning chef.

Before I started on this journey I would not have used those words to describe myself, I would have used the first ones, wife, mother, daughter, sister,and homemaker.

I am all of those things but I am discovering that I am so much more than that.

I'm looking around my world, including my new blog world and I am taking the time to be inspired by things and people that I would not have taken the time to notice before.

It's been an amazing experience and it's just beginning.

As some of you know, I did not have an idea childhood. My father was physically abusive to me ,my mom, and my sister. At the age of 6, He tried to kill the three of us. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. I remember feeling the bullet go by my ear and the windshield shattering in the car.

My childhood was about survival, it had very little to do with fun. It was about getting through the day without setting my father off.

There was no time or energy left for anything else. So one of the things I did not do until I was 12 was learn to ride a bike. At that point I was so scared and I only rode it a few times and then just gave it up.

Well, a couple of weeks ago my dear friend that I have met in the blogging world recently, Carrie, posted a video and pictures of her 5 year old learning to ride without training wheels.

There was something in little Emily's precious eyes that touched me to the core. It was pure joy, complete fearlessness and freedom. She was so proud of herself and her sweet free spirit shined through her eyes.

I can't explain it completely but it touched me in a way that I would have never thought possible because it was something so simply. A child learning to ride a bike without training wheels, kids do this everyday. And yet this time it stirred something inside of me.

I realized in that moment what I had missed as a child. I never experienced that pride, that freedom, and fearlessness.

So Emily inspired me to start looking at bikes. I found out that they are not cheap and I don't like to spend that kind of money on myself so I figured it would be a while before I would get my bike.

Then Sat. my aunt and I decided at the last minute that we would go to a few yard sales. We pulled up into the first driveway and what do I find.... You guessed it... a bike. A 15 speed bike in decent condition.

I got on it (said several prayers) and I rode it. It was amazing I felt free, young and childlike.

So now Roo and I go bike riding daily. Our dog goes with us also. It's a great bonding experience for Roo and I.

Now if I could only find a way for Emily to inspire Ruben to get rid of his training wheels, there has got to be a way Carrie and I could make that work :)

Thank you Carrie for sharing your sweet little girl on your blog with all of us.

This may sound strange but I feel a connection with her and I hope she never looses that light that shines so brightly in her eyes.

So what is it that you could do to step out of your comfort zone, try something new and different? Look around your world everyday and I assure you there will be something to inspire you to be better, have more fun or just find something you love that you never thought you would.

Ramblings from Kee (that's my nickname in case you are wondering)

My aunt and I have never really been able to live together, but it has been going so much better than I thought it would when we made the decision to let them move in.

Then today she had to go and tell me I should not have dealt with my son in a certain way.
It had to do with me making him try scrambled eggs. My son will not try anything new and only eats a handful of foods. He has never tasted eggs therefore he does not know if he likes them or not. And that drives me crazy, I even told him he could spit it out if he did not like it.

I told him he could not have anything else until he tried it. Well my aunt said in front of my children, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't make him try things he doesn't like. WHAT?!?
I think what she said was even worse than that but I blocked it out and saw red for a few seconds.

I told her, in the most polite way that I could at that time, that he his my son and she gets no say in the way we raise him just because she lives here.

The last time we lived we her and my mom was when my hubby, Roo (he was a baby) and I had moved from CA to Ky and we were staying with them until we found jobs and saved money.

The main problem was they refused to follow our rules with Ruben and always was undermining us. That is why we eventually moved out, well my aunt told my mom it was either her or us and my mom picked her. So we basically were kicked out with no where to go with a 16 month old.

I have forgiven that, and thought I had forgotten it until she said those things today and all that came flooding back.

I know it was the right thing, the only thing we could do, letting them move in and I in no way regret that. But neither of them get a say in how I choose to raise my kids, my house my rules and just saying that makes me feel better. lol

__________________________________________

In other news, my mom and I are going shopping at Walmart tomorrow. I scheduled a transport with PACS and hope it goes smoothly. This is the first time my mom has been shopping in almost 2 years and the first time she will be going to a beauty shop to get her hair cut in 2 yrs also.

She wants to pick out some presents for Roo, he will be 5 this month and I still need to start planning that his party. It will be star wars again this year and I think I have run out of ideas. Maybe we can use the ones from last year and he won't notice. :)
_______________________________________

Oh and I bought a 15 speed bike from a yard sale this weekend. I will post pics about that and tell you of the adorable little girl who inspired me to buy a bike. I met her precious mother in blog land. That post coming soon.

Hope you all had a great Monday :)

Date Night in Pictures

This one was taken before we left in our backyard.

Too many shadows.

Hey my talented friend Tanya can you fix it for me? :)

This one I had to take of Mr. Cool as we started to leave in the car.

We just arrived at our favorite Indian Restaurant.

Just being ourselves.

Had to get a few smooches in there, don't worry we kept it PG:)

We sat in this little booth (side by side) on pillows and stretched our legs to the other side. I thought it would be cute to take a picture of our feet. Especially since he has holes in his socks.

We really needed this time together, it was so refreshing.
Oh, how I love this man.

As we were leaving the restaurant, we had to take a pic with the Indian statue. Notice I had already taken my hair down and heels were still off at this point too.

Me being goofy on the way to the movies.

Still on the way to movies.

OK, OK, last one. This was taken after the movie was over. Not very good lighting. We saw I love you Man. It was pretty good.

It has been so long since we have had a date night, probably way over 6 months. I think it is crucial to our relationship, well any relationship. We have been so busy taking care of everybody else.

And honestly, here lately I don't think we have even wanted to spend one on one time with each other because we had not been tending to our relationship. Reading Sacred Marriage has helped in that area and is continuing to help us reconnect.

Just being out together and remembering how much fun we have and that we are best friends and have an awesome time together has really recharged our relationship. I'm so thankful my aunt was able to watch the kids and take care of my mom so we could get out. I know not everyone has someone to watch there kids. We are so blessed in that way right now.

I'm hoping we can do this at least once a month.

Starting Today

I will spend more time laughing and playing in my house than cleaning it.

Starting Today
I will revel in the fact that my children get to see their grandparents everyday because they live with us and not look at how much work and responsibility it is.

Starting Today
I will be grateful for 5 and a half years of marriage and forget all the potential problems that may be lurking in the back of my mind.

Starting Today
I will not snap at the nearest person because I have PMS.

Starting Today
I will find joy in my 2 year old's sassy, demanding tone, because I know who she got it from and I also know she won't be 2 much longer.

Starting Today
I will accept my flaws, insecurities, cottage cheese thighs and all the other imperfections I see when I look in the mirror.

Starting Today
I will no longer compare myself to other mothers, women, people, I am me and that's ok.

Starting Today
I will enjoy being me and all that I have around me because I'm not promised tomorrow.

Starting Today
I will breath in every moment and let it seep into my very soul because all I have is today.

What will you start doing today?

Friday Flashback

This Picture was taken just 5 years ago when my mom flew to Los Angeles when Ruben was born. It's so hard to look at and see how fast she has declined.



This one was taken about a month ago when we were figuring out how to use her lift to get her out of bed and into a wheel chair.



Don't get me wrong I am just thankful she is with us, I just know how hard this has been on her and how much she wishes she could go back to the first picture above.

Comfortable in my Own Skin

I used to wonder how that would feel.

Just to accept myself, to for once just not be so conscious of my body or how people see me so that I could just be me and be comfortable in my own skin. I'm not there yet but I'm so much closer than I used to be.

You know until I met my hubby, I never laughed out loud. I just didn't know how. I was always hyper aware of myself, always concerned about how I sounded or looked and because of having my spirit broken as a child I no longer knew how to just let go, just be in the moment.

I remember the first year of being with my husband. I would be in the next room and just hear this loud delightful belly laugh almost like a child's.
I would go to check it out and there he would be all alone with either a book or watching TV and just laughing with abandonment.
Sometimes it would happen while he was just sitting quietly, just thinking about something funny and he would just laugh and laugh.

I found this amazing and for the first time I realized I didn't know how to do that, I didn't know how to laugh.

As a child I was taught that children were to be seen and not heard, speak only when spoken to. If these rules were not followed when my father was around we would certainly pay the price.

Slowly, very slowly throughout the years my husband has taught me how to just be in the moment, how to not think about anything except what is happening in that moment. (Hence our family blog is titled Enjoying Every Moment.)

The most amazing part is that I have learned to laugh out loud, sometimes to the point of tears. I now laugh out loud on a daily basis, alone, in a crowd, with my kids.

And you know what... It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Middle of the night confessions

1. If my daughter does not stop pooping in the bath tub she may never take a bath again, I'm so sick of cleaning it up.Her brother never did this and I'm not sure why she has to every single time even though I put her on the potty before the tub. And she thinks it's the funniest thing to do, she could at lest pretend she is sorry about it.

2. Lately I have had to make myself get out of bed in the mornings because I just want to pull the covers over my head and pretend nothing else exists.

3. God is leading me in directions I'm not sure I'm ready to go, so I am fighting Him every step of the way.

4.I've lost patience with my children this week and yelled at them more than I care to admit. I just hope I don't scar them for life.

5. I have lost another 5 pounds in just a few days and I have not been trying this week, which worries me a bit because of all the other symptoms I have had.