My Life as We Speak

I've continued living. On the outside my life now looks normal, well as normal as it ever has. I can go through my days now, figured out for the most part how to fill the wholes, the parts Momma left. However, what you don't see is that every minute of every day, I am aware of this empty, aching hole in my life. I may never mention it, close friends may see a glimmer, if that.
But it's still there. I think about how my life has been completely and utterly changed forever while standing in line at the grocery store or waiting to pick up the kids.

I know that in exactly 42 days my mom would be turning 62. She would be telling me what present she wanted and making sure I didn't forget her favorite ice cream cake.

I know tomorrow the Mass Intentions are for my Mom. I am honored by this but also wonder if everyone will be looking around just to see how far I have come in my grief journey. Is she still angry, still broken hearted, or has she pulled it together "for the sake of those kids?"

All I can say, is I'm farther in the grieving process that I was 5 months ago but maybe not as far as some think I should be. I'm honest with myself and with most everyone else about where I stand.

I get up everyday, take a shower, brush my teeth, play with my kids and have even started cooking again(this was a big one) I cooked for mom the night before she died and had not cooked until this month.
I can look at her pictures, something I couldn't do until recently as well.

As I have learned in my other grieving experiences there will come a day, it may hurt a little less, a day when it's not at the fore front of my mind. However, that road is far far away. Right now I will keep my goals in sight even if they are little things that get me through the day.

Today...

...I smiled even though my heart is still broken.

...I realized the 30th of this month will be 5 months since she passed but it seems like 5 years.

...I tried to figure out what exactly God wants me to do at this time...but I'm clueless. I guess He will let me know in His time.

...I looked at my son for a really long time and realized he must have grown a foot and I haven't even noticed.

...I looked in my daughter's big brown smiling eyes and silently promised her that we will get through all the storms that are raging in our lives right now.

...I made it through and will continue to look for that shimmer of light once again tomorrow.

Blog-In process of change!

Just like me I suppose. Those of you that have been around a while know that when I change the look of my blog it takes a while for me to decide on something. I'm pretty sure it will take even longer at this point because decisions of any type make me almost hyperventilate lately.

Things are going day by day. This last month has been good because we had taken in three small kids so they would not go into foster care. It refocused the house and gave us something to keep our mind off the void that Mom has left. Plus, we already loved them and was happy we could help out. They are now with a family member.

What it did do was show us that becoming Foster parents is something we certainly want to do somewhere down the line. We have talked about it for years but now we know for sure.

Who Am I?

I AM...
* A woman learning to live in this world without her mother.

* Getting more obsessive by the day about...everything.

* A woman so very grateful for and appreciative of the man I share my life with.

* Someone who is beginning to see the tiniest glimmer of light in a life that has been very very dark for months.

* A 34 yr old still finding her way and trying to just roll with the punches.

* Blessed to be apart of this small but amazing family.

Trying, hanging by a thread, but still holding on to hope.

I'm not sure where this path is taking me. I feel like the weight of all this stress may just crush me but then I remember my kids and know I have to continue on. Jose still has not had any luck with his job search. It seems like we get so close only to have the hope snatched away.  I want to trust and I'm trying. God has gotten us this far. It just seems like everything that could go wrong has. I know it could be a lot worse. I have to focus on the positive, the blessings in my life.

I'm not feeling well today physically. My body won't seem to do all the things my mind and heart want to do. I'm hanging in there, at times by a thread, but still hanging on.

Missing you Mama

It's Jan. 3rd. Entering a new year without you Mama has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. I  miss you, I need you. I feel lost because without you here to get everything in order and plan things, give me your advice on everything at any given time. I've never not had that and I find myself stumbling through the days without a clear direction.

Ruben's not sleeping well, he woke up Sat. night and with huge tears in his eyes, he said " Nana really isn't coming back is she?" Through tear filled eyes I picked him up and whispered "no baby she's not coming back."

I wish I could go back and change the night you left us. I wish I had one more minute just to tell you what a wonderful mother you are and just how much I love and appreciate all the sacrifices you made for me and Kim.

I can finally look at your pictures whereas before I couldn't bear to. Now I find some comfort in them.

My heart aches for you.

Forever in my thoughts and heart,

Kee

Sanity, Throwing Christmas Trees, & Grief Groups

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There are days were I have breaks from the pain. I call them my gift from God days. There are the days I can hear the sound of my own laughter and it sounds good, strange, but good. Then there are the days were the sadness grips my heart so tightly I feel I may never be able to breathe quite the same way again.

I'm attending a grief group every week, we only have two more weeks left. I started because they had a group for kids my son's age and having been a Child's Crisis Counselor, I know how important it is for him to be in an environment where he can express himself because he was not talking to me. He was so close to my mom and had lived in a house with her (either we lived with her or she lived with us) for four out of the six years of his life.

It has really helped open up a dialogue between us.
My group has helped me a lot to. It;s heloed me realize and try to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I was before my mother died and people around me will have to grieve that person. I myself will have to come to terms with this and figure out who this new person is.

If you have lost someone close to you I strongly suggest looking into a support group. It's not shameful to ask for help, it's quite the opposite. It takes courage to walk into a room and talk about something so personal. The great thing about a support group though is you can say as little or as much as you want. I was terrified that first night and the first 15 min, I wanted to run for the door. Thankfully I was blocked in or I probably would have. It makes you feel normal to hear others talk about their story. You learn so much just by listening.
I  learned  I'm not crazy just because I want to yell at someone when they tell me my mother is in a better place or when I have flashes of strangling them when they say what a wonderful way to die when they find out she died in her sleep.

 Hey, I didn't say I did these things  just said they go through my mind and people in my group get it. And that's what I need right now, not to feel like I am going insane. Although tonight was tough looking at all the keepsake ornaments we have collected throughout the years and I looked at the Christmas tree and for a minute I wanted to throw it through the window. Yeah, I'm sane alright.

Stepping Into the Holidays My Way

We decorated the house tonight. There are lights, snowmen and angels all around. I had to do it my way though, I couldn't do it the same as we always have. So traditions are having to be altered, new ones made, old ones put aside for now. We have all new stockings, and mostly all new decorations that came from the Mighty Dollar (my all time favorite store).
We will keep the same Christmas ornaments because they are very special to us, we all get a new one each year. Putting up the tree is going to be the hardest because of all the memories the ornaments hold.

No, this path I'm on is not an easy one. My daughter turns 4 just 3 days after Thanksgiving so there is a party to plan. It seems to make the void that much bigger because mom is not here to help plan the party as she has been for the other three birthdays. But when you have kids life does not stop, you have to keep moving, keep living even if you don't feel like it.

I went into our Church today and knelt down and prayed. Not many words were uttered, but I'm pretty sure God heard it all in my tears. I felt a lot better after leaving. This journey is not going to be an easy one, especially in the coming months with all the Holidays but I will find my way the only way I know how....with HIS help of course.