I have mentioned a lot lately of how I have not been able to pray. I know some will not understand because it seems so very simple, you just say the words, talk to God. How hard can that be, right? However, my view lately has been, if your heart is not in it what is the point?
I have been stuck because I have been frustrated with God and even a little angry but not willing to admit to either of those feelings.
I've been confused and like a child and throwing tantrums because things have not been going according to my plans. I've questioned why I had to go through all of this again, after I went through the whole learning to walk again, having people bathe me for months and having to relearn how to do everything as a teenager. In my mind I felt like I had endured enough and should not have to go through this again.
(For those of you who don't know the whole story I am working on writing it and posting it on the sidebar because I refer to it so much because it's such a part of who I am now)
Well, today God has really been dealing with me and I have felt his presence in a way that I have not in a very long time. Not because He has not been there, but because I have not been receptive to Him.
You see, I learned not to take all the little things for granted at the early age of 16 when I was in a car accident and lost my sister. I went through years of physical therapy, with the doctors telling me I would never be able to do the normal day to day things that I had done before. I learned that your life can change in a instant. I learned to live every moment to the fullest because you do not know what tomorrow will bring.
I learned all these things, so I did not understand why I have been going through all these medical issues for the last few months. Not being able to walk, or care for my children, or even get out of bed on some days has been harder on me than I imagined and has affected my relationship with God in ways I never thought possible.
I was broken, I tried to be strong for those around me but inside I was scared and confused and just broken. I felt forsaken. Why did I have to go through this again? I just want to raise my children, to clean my house, to cook dinner to be a good wife and care for my mom.
I couldn't pray because I shut myself off from God, but I would not admit this to myself, my friends, or even here, my safe place to pour everything out and be completely honest.
Today, I realized all those lessons I learned so young did not last very long. Oh yeah, I learned how fleeting life can be and not to take all the little things for granted but it only lasted so long until I was back living as I had before complaining and taking everything for granted.
I complained about house work, about being a stay at home mom, just about everything in my life. I had forgotten all the hard learned lessons. I didn't appreciate that I could walk, that I had two beautiful, healthy children, a christian husband, that I didn't have to worry about the necessities of life.
All of those things were my main focus until I couldn't walk, play with my kids, do household chores, cook, even bathe and dress myself. Then those lessons came back and I now I stand humbled. God loves me so much that He has taken the time to reteach me those lessons.
I know it sounds a bit crazy to look at it that way but it's so true for me and really hit me today because
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails
I have always linked those verses to romantic love for some reason, I guess because I have heard them recited at weddings and linked to discussions of marriage.
Today, however I saw it in a different light. Actually, I heard it on the radio as I was driving to walmart thinking about the lessons I have been learning or refusing to learn. I felt God's love in a way that I had not in a very long time, it surrounded me in the car and I realized God's love is patient and it never fails. So if He has to continue to teach me a lesson that He knows I need to learn He will, over and over because He loves me that much.
Now I know that today it is easier to say all of this because, minus my abbess tooth, I have been having good days for the last week. I haven't been bed bound, have been able to take showers on my own with no shower chair, have cooked and played with my children and even moved furniture and mopped the floors and went shopping by myself without having to ride in an electronic cart today.
On days like today it is easier to see the lessons, to understand, and to feel God. I'm not blocked by the pain, despair and hopelessness. I hope that I can use these days to get closer to God, to build my strength and faith so when the bad days hit I won't get frustrated and angry with Him. I can rest in His arms and know it will be OK.
I know that my battle is not over but I also know I have had a break through. I was able to pray today, and see things a bit clearer. I was able to feel His presence and let go of some of the negative feelings I have been clutching to with both hands.
I have been broken once again, and sometimes that is what we need. It is by His grace that we are put back together again and we learn from the cracks and are reminded who He is because of where we have been. As painful as it was, as much as it hurt, I needed to be broken. I needed to be made aware of the cracks again, I needed to let Him pick up the pieces. I needed to be broken, and where some see the cracks and scars to Him, I've been beautifully broken and am beginning to be made whole again.