The Girl I Used to Be

I have been thinking a lot lately. My head feels like a jumbled mess. At times I get so scared of what could happen to those around me I become paralyzed with fear. That's why I haven't blogged much since getting back. I just didn't think I had anything worth saying.

This isn't how I planned my life, I certainly never planned my mom and aunt moving in with us while our kid were still toddlers. I didn't plan my mom being bed bound or my sister not being around to share some of the load. I also did not plan on getting Fibromyhalgia at 33 and having seizures.

No, see my plan was to graduate college, which went according to plan. I then was to go get my masters in social work and somewhere down the line I would adopt children, preferably older.

I never planned that I would meet my husband almost 9 years ago on the Internet, that I would pack up and move to Los Angeles get married in Los Vegas. Then have a son and move back to KY and have a little girl right when our son turned 2.

No, this is not the life I had planned for myself. But thank the Lord He knows so much more than we do. He knows the desires of our hearts.

The storms are brewing all around us but I am hanging on to Him, He is my only hope and He and He alone knows what is best for me and those I love.

I found this poem that I have kept in a folder from a long time ago. I did not write it but it is so fitting. I'm not the girl I used to be and thank God for that!

Hope you enjoy!

The Girl I Used to Be

She came tonight as I sat alone..
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye And questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
All the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising, I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman that I am now
pleased the girl I used to be.



by Rowena K. Lewis