Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Broken Hallelujah

Since March of this year, this has been the place I have come. I created this place as a santurary for myself. I could say what I was feeling at the exact moment I felt it.

This is where I came when we had move my aunt and mom out of the ice storm. I vented about all the aruguments we got in those first few months. I came here when fear crept in when mom was back in the hospital and things seemed fine one minute and uncertain the next.
Some posts never got published because they seemed to be just for me and God.

Then I got sick and couldn't walk and was scared to death, so again I came here and found a group of friends whom I have never met that rallied around me and prayed for me.

It just seems the theme of this year has been sickness and close calls with family members. It's been an up and down rollacoaster and to be perfectly honest I'm coming here to say I WANT OFF.

I know no one goes through this life without going through hard times and there are a lot of people who have lost way more than I have. But I just want a chance to breath.

I know what it is like to have someone you have never lived on this earth without to die. I know what it's like to discuss with your mom at 16 about her daughters, your sister's arm having to be amputated. Which in the end, didn't matter because she didn't make it anyway.

They had to take my FIL back into surgery because two hours after they brought him out they saw his leg was blue and the bypass had not been successfull like he thought. My SIL had to stand by and watch has her mother had to sign those same papers giving the doctors permission to take her husbands leg if they had to.

So I'm up trying to make plans to get there and thinking the worse. Jose tells me to have faith, to believe things will be ok.

I had faith, when my sister was in a coma for 8 days, I begged God to let her wake up. I had faith when my friend's 4 yr old was in a coma from the same accident, I was certain that out of all of us HE would let her live.
I had faith when my father was dying of AIDS and believed with all my heart that God would heal him if not his body than atleast his heart. That same year I had faith that God would not take my only grandmother until we could make peace.
In 2005, when my friend of 10 yrs who had a 5 yr old son has a heartattack, I had faith I beilieved. And when my childhood friend's father died suddenly, I was stunned, he was like a father to me my entire life.
This past Jan. when my best friend's dad was in the hospital for surgery then had to go back in and laid there dying I held his hand I prayed over him. I had faith that his wife of 50 years would not have to spend their 51 anniversary alone.

I prayed, I believed, I had faith and I'm a little sick of that to be quite honest with you. What does that mean exactly, have faith that God will take care of them, or 'you just got to believe that it will be ok.'

I want to scream, "Okay for WHO?" Who exactly is it ok for when families are ripped apart?

Yes I do know that God knows best, but that's still a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes.

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed and I want a little breathing room. I know I have no right to ask for that. And to some of you this my sound like my own little pity pary and I guess it is but since this is my little place I can have those ever so often.

I'm hanging on by a thread that my husband's father will be fine. They have their whole family intact and do not know what it's like when you loose a part of yourself. I hope they don't have to find out. But I have to prepare myself, I throw myself into planning and taking care of things to make it easier on everyone. And it gives me something to do so that I do not fall apart and all those losses come rushing back one by one like they have tonight.
I have heard so often how strong I am to have faced everything that I have. I secretly life in side, because I fall apart a lot especially if it involves hospitals and funeral homes, flowers, picking just the right music, viewing the body.

No, I haven't given up on God and I never will. He is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind when all these things come rushing back. He has picked up the pieces of my life and put them back together like I never thought was possible but I still question and I guess on times like tonight all I have to offer up to Him is a Broken Hallelujah.

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place


I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You


He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Kee...praying for you.
I love that song & every song on that CD I sent you. It is so encouraging and brings me right to the fathers feet every time I listen to it. I love the song "He is with you" So wonderful to know throughout all lives circumstances...He is with us.

nancygrayce said...

Of course you're tired! It's o.k. to vent and to express what you're really thinking inside....He already knows it! I'm praying for your peace! Sometimes you just have to give yourself some room to not be strong.

I'm glad you come here to let us all be with you in your sadness!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry and I'll be praying.