Sanity, Throwing Christmas Trees, & Grief Groups

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There are days were I have breaks from the pain. I call them my gift from God days. There are the days I can hear the sound of my own laughter and it sounds good, strange, but good. Then there are the days were the sadness grips my heart so tightly I feel I may never be able to breathe quite the same way again.

I'm attending a grief group every week, we only have two more weeks left. I started because they had a group for kids my son's age and having been a Child's Crisis Counselor, I know how important it is for him to be in an environment where he can express himself because he was not talking to me. He was so close to my mom and had lived in a house with her (either we lived with her or she lived with us) for four out of the six years of his life.

It has really helped open up a dialogue between us.
My group has helped me a lot to. It;s heloed me realize and try to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I was before my mother died and people around me will have to grieve that person. I myself will have to come to terms with this and figure out who this new person is.

If you have lost someone close to you I strongly suggest looking into a support group. It's not shameful to ask for help, it's quite the opposite. It takes courage to walk into a room and talk about something so personal. The great thing about a support group though is you can say as little or as much as you want. I was terrified that first night and the first 15 min, I wanted to run for the door. Thankfully I was blocked in or I probably would have. It makes you feel normal to hear others talk about their story. You learn so much just by listening.
I  learned  I'm not crazy just because I want to yell at someone when they tell me my mother is in a better place or when I have flashes of strangling them when they say what a wonderful way to die when they find out she died in her sleep.

 Hey, I didn't say I did these things  just said they go through my mind and people in my group get it. And that's what I need right now, not to feel like I am going insane. Although tonight was tough looking at all the keepsake ornaments we have collected throughout the years and I looked at the Christmas tree and for a minute I wanted to throw it through the window. Yeah, I'm sane alright.

Stepping Into the Holidays My Way

We decorated the house tonight. There are lights, snowmen and angels all around. I had to do it my way though, I couldn't do it the same as we always have. So traditions are having to be altered, new ones made, old ones put aside for now. We have all new stockings, and mostly all new decorations that came from the Mighty Dollar (my all time favorite store).
We will keep the same Christmas ornaments because they are very special to us, we all get a new one each year. Putting up the tree is going to be the hardest because of all the memories the ornaments hold.

No, this path I'm on is not an easy one. My daughter turns 4 just 3 days after Thanksgiving so there is a party to plan. It seems to make the void that much bigger because mom is not here to help plan the party as she has been for the other three birthdays. But when you have kids life does not stop, you have to keep moving, keep living even if you don't feel like it.

I went into our Church today and knelt down and prayed. Not many words were uttered, but I'm pretty sure God heard it all in my tears. I felt a lot better after leaving. This journey is not going to be an easy one, especially in the coming months with all the Holidays but I will find my way the only way I know how....with HIS help of course.

Dear Mama

It's been a little over two months and I am just feeling the crushing weight of losing you. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you calling me but when I get up you are no where to be found. I guess I have been so numb all this time but now that is wearing off and I feel like there is this big hole in my life and I am not sure how to function without you.

You were the one who loved me from day one and never walked away. The one who I could always go running back to when things got tough or I needed advice or just my Mama's arms around me. And now you aren't here and I am so utterly lost. I have my husband and my kids and they are my saving grace as is God but the family I grew up with is no more and that is the strangest feeling in the world. I am the only survivor, I guess I know how you felt now. You were the strongest woman I have ever known and I am trying to pull from the strength I watched growing up.

It's so hard because I just want you back. Nothing seems to have that much meaning anymore. I know I shouldn't be angry at God but I am.I really didn't think He would take you this early. I've buried both my parents now and my only sibling and that just pisses me off mom. But I know you would say "Kiesha, His ways are not our ways." I know Mom but it doesn't lesson the pain or anger at this moment.

I keep going back to that day. My 7th wedding anniversary so exciting and filled with expectations of celebration and i guess if I look at it with my head and not my heart I see that it was filled with celebration. You and Kim were reunited after18 years and you finally got to walk, walk along the streets of heaven pain free.

That is comforting at times but if I'm honest right now, most times it's not.

I'm attending a grief support group, last night was my second time and I spent the majority of it in the bathroom stall crouched down having a panic attack. We were asked to write about the four season, Summer, , Fall, Winter & Spring and how you fit into them and how they will look now without you. Well I couldn't do it, couldn't bear to think of it.

I feel so weak mom, you buried your daughter and went on. There were people in the group that have buried a child or a husband and are left to raise children and they sat there and calmly finished the exercise and here I am running out a complete and utter mess.

I feel a sadness I had only thought I had known. Mom, you were my cheering section, I could do anything in your eyes. You know where I have been, how far I have come, you know what I was like as a little girl, a teenager. No one else on this earth knows that and that makes me feel completely lost in this big world.

I have my kids and I have Jose and we will get through this but it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have to remember I grew up with the best roll model in the world who showed me what true strength and courage looks like. Someone who picked herself up more times than I can count when it felt like the world was against her and her two girls. She showed the world what she was made of and showed them just what getting down on your knees and crying out to God could do in hopeless circumstances.

So that is what I will do Mom, I will follow your example. I will show them how to hit their knees when they feel they can't take another step. I will do my best to show my kids that in times like these that it is He who carries us. And when I am able to walk I will show them the strength I learned from their Nana.

I miss you Mom from the depth of my soul to the tips of my toes.

Walking Through the Pain

I painted her nails, I was supposed to the night before she died but I wasn't feeling well and told her I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow never came for her, but it did for the rest of us.

So two days after she died I packed fingernail polish remover, cotton balls, and the bright green nail polish that I have on my toes right now. I called one of my best friends and my aunt to go with me.
I walked in the funeral home and saw her beautiful green casket at the end of a long isle.

I can do this, I can do this I tell myself, as I feel my breath being taken from me. Pull yourself together, you told her you would paint her nails green and it's the last thing you can do for her.

I took a deep breath and took that long walk, friend by my side, supplies in hand. I touched her, she was cold. I kissed her head and told her I loved her, then I began to paint her nails.

I had thought I might pass out, but instead the three of us break out into laughter. I'm thinking the funeral home director may just through us out or call the local mental hospital and order straight jackets.

There was no other way I see now. We had to laugh to get through it, we needed to laugh. There would be plenty of time for tears later.

I painted her nails, my friend tried to fix the little mistakes I made while I worked on her makeup. Aqua eyeshadow to match her dress, light pink lipstick, and it took us a while to even out the foundation the funeral home had put on her.

We finished and then while taking the long walk back toward the door I broke down. I doubled over and felt the kind of heart wrenching pain that I haven't felt in quite a while.
I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach but I thanked God for the strength He gave me to get through what I had to do.

I keep saying I don't know how to live without my mother, and I don't. I never have, so why would I know?

But I have to learn a new way to live and it just may be one of the hardest things I have done in a long long time.
I have to hold my son while he cries himself to sleep because he misses his Nana. I have to watch my three yr old draw notes for Nana and inform me that she will leave them on the table for when Nana gets back from the funeral home.

The tears come and my heart feels as if it's breaking into but this is my life and I have to learn how to live it without her, for my kids, for my husband and all those who depend on me.

It won't be an easy journey, it won't be a pretty one. I'm pretty angry at God but as my pastor told me today, HE can take it. I haven't yet expressed to God just how angry I am. I am scared of opening that dam. But it has to be done and I will do it when I'm ready.

I have to walk through the pain, there is no way around it, but there's hope in knowing I won't be walking alone.

We Lost Her Two Weeks Ago

I do think someone may have hacked into my blog, I had no idea because I have not been checking it. Hopefully it's been fixed.

If you haven't read my blog, all you have to do is read the first paragraph of the last post to know what I mean. Never say it can't get any worse, never, and never tell God how much you think you can handle because He will show you just how strong He is.

My husband and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this past Aug 30th. Gifts and cards were bought, even plans of getting away for a day. Things seemed to be looking up, hubby hasn't got a job yet but we are getting by. My mom had been going to physical therapy for the first time in a year. She seemed to have a new lease on life, determined she would walk again. Roo is doing great with guitar lessons and great in school, Rissa's growing like a weed and so is her free spirit.

Then out of no where, my world stopped on Aug. 30. We all go up late. I was thinking about what we would do on our Anniversary. I remember getting up and sitting on the couch in the living room and hearing my aunt saying "Nana (my mom) it's time to take your medicine & start your day."I didn't hear mom say anything, which wasn't unusual because it took her a while to wake up. Jose then comes in the living room and kneels down, I'm thinking it's an anniversary thing but then I look up to see my aunt standing in the door way. She has her fist in her mouth as if stifling a scream & she's crying. I knew it, I knew it right down to my bones but I refused to believe it.

She hadn't been sick, she had been transferring herself from bed to wheelchair, we no longer had to use the lift. She was riding the exercise bike at therapy, there was no way! I ran into the family room where she and my aunt sleep and they told me she was gone. I yelled as loud as I could "Call the ambulance." They said, she's already gone. My brain could not comprehend this, I yelled again call the 911 now! My husband did.

All I could think was I was tired last night and I did not tell her good night and I loved her like I usually did.
The ambulance came, then the police, then the coroner. The Coroner said she had been gone about 7 hrs and it was about 10:00 am. He said she had a heart attack, which now I'm wishing I had asked for an autopsy. Finally when the coroner came they let me go to her until the funeral home came, my husband asked them to give me time with her and they did 45 min. I lay beside her, talked to her, and cried.

I have to be honest, the first week was a whirlwind. I felt very little. The hardest day of my life was the day after when I had to make all the decisions. I have never missed my sister more.
But after that day, I was numb even able to do her nails and makeup. Don't get me wrong I cried but it was mostly for my kids. My son is having a very hard time and they had grandparents day this past Friday. When he found out about mom he locked himself in his room for an hour sobbing and he is only 6.

Yesterday and today have been the first days that is has really sunk in that she is gone. She is the last of my immediate family that I grew up with. She is the last one who can say "oh Roo gets that from his mom, she used to do that when she was little" or "Kee used to throw that same fit that Rissa does when she was that age."

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my family. I just thought I would have my mom a little bit longer. I find myself getting angry with God and I don't want to but I am. I know many of my friends who have both parents, all siblings, aunts, uncles, even grandparents. And I just don't understand. My children will not have grandparents on my side and they are only 3 & 6.

I am broken once again and it seems just as I get my footing back under me it is yanked out.
I know grief, been through it more times than I care to count. I know the stages, I know the deep aching pain it brings and I'm fighting against it right now. I don't want to feel those things.

But this is my outlet, things I can't tell my family, my friends. It's so much easier to type it out her. So I will come her often. Doesn't matter how many people read or if the grammar is correct, I'm getting it out and not holding it all inside. And that I know is ONE of the most important steps in handling grief.

God is God and I am Not!

I'm still trusting, or the real truth is I'm still trying to trust. Just when I think we are at the point where we can't handle one more thing, ten more things seem to drop on us and I TELL GOD I can't take anymore! Does He know more than me...well of course He does.

Please continue to pray for our family we are undergoing a big ordeal with unemployment and his ex-Employer fighting it. It's gotten so bad lawyers have had to get involved and they (ex-employer) have gotten downright nasty and I just don't understand. People that he had worked with for years and watched our children grow up are now turning on him just to save their own job. I get saving your job in this economy but turning on other people, I just don't understand. The case has been cont. to Sept 13, that's my sister's birthday. It made me smile, see she's got connections, she lives in Heaven! :)
I've been meditating a lot on Psalm 91, it has helped calm me when I felt I couldn't breathe a lot of nights.

On Wed. night we were getting ready to go to Back to School Night, my husband's Dad called to tell him he would be having surgery Thursday morning. They had to amputate the leg that almost exactly one year ago he had to have a stint put in because of blood clots(complications from his diabetes), we drove 11 hours with a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old then.
This time we could not go for the surgery because the Unemployment Hearing was the same day and we needed more time to come up with the money and this was a last minute kind of thing.

God blessed us with the money so that Jose and I can fly. It will be so much better on my body. We will be  flying into Lincoln, NE in a few weeks. It's the closet airport, its' a 3 hr drive to where his parents live but only an hour and a half drive to the hospital in Kearney.

Please pray for my father-in-law, Manuel's, recovery and peace for my precious mother-in-law, Carmen.
My heart is heavy and my soul uneasy, I'm questioning God at every turn, trying to trust, so very scared at all the turn of events in the last few months. But God is God and  I am Not!

(Please scroll down and pause music player to hear this beautiful song)

Trust

Has always been such a hard concept for me to grasp. I want to have a plan, I want to know what people are going to do before I blindly hand my trust over to them.
I have always admired people who trusted others until given a reason not to. I have always thought people had to earn my trust first, it's not something I give out freely. This I am sad to say also applies to God as of lately, my world has been turned up side down and inside out. My sister is in jail for 5 years and was given too many chances to count and that makes me angry, husband has lost his job, his work is fighting his unemployment and we will be going to a  hearing over that in the next week or so.

My mom has been in PCI twice in the past month and we have almost lost her. My health, that was getting better, has plummeted. Friends that have been in my life for years have just walked out and my spiritual mentors tell me to trust God that it will all work out. 
I try and then get knocked right back down again and my flesh wants to say what is the point, trust is getting me no where.
We have no income, state assistance has still not arrived all though we have been approved for it since the day my husband lost his job on May 27. but have seen nothing.

No, God has never let me down, not once but still I doubt, still I question.  Hubby went for his first interview today, but I dare not let myself hope for fear of disappointment. And I have to say to myself, where is the faith I once had so fervently. I can pray for others and believe for others and trust that God will take care of them but when it comes to myself, it just doesn't seem to be there.

Dear Lord, I ask that you help me trust in you. Help me not to worry about tomorrow for you said in your word that you will take care of tomorrow. Work on my heart, on my mind, and mend this broken heart of mine so that I can once again cast my cares upon you.

Please keep my family in your prayers and I will do the same for any requests you may want to post.

Full Update and Still Learning to Trust in Him

I know I have been away and there have only been a few updates about all that has been going on in my life. It's hard to explain why I haven't been here, I've sat here many nights with my hands on the keyboard and nothing came out. There seemed to be so much to say that I didn't know where to start so it was easier just to say nothing. But I do miss you all so much and decided I would just start typing and see what came out.

I will update you on all the things you have prayed with me about and all the situations that took place on this journey that you have taken with me over the last year.

My health has greatly improved. They finally put me on Lyrica and found a program that I can get it through for free. It has worked so well for me. I am only in bed one or two days a week compared to five or six. I can walk and have little trouble with my legs. The tremors are gone.
I can get up and do things without being in pain and I haven't had a seizure in about 5 months. Thank you God.

My little sister  (not biological) was in rehab and had been sober for four months. She got out of rehab and relapsed and broke the terms of her probation. She is now serving a 5 yr prison sentence with a possibility of parole in 2 years. Please pray for her and her two small children that are being raised by thier Grandmother, they are 5 and 1.

I'm posting about this situation only because I believe so much in the power of prayer and our family needs it right now more than ever. My husband lost his job recently and it was not in the best circumstances. That experience has put me in a very bad place because I'm finding it hard to be forgiving to some of the people involved.
I know God will provide, he always has but I also can't help but worry. I look back and think about times HE has come through for us, too many to name, but there are a few on here. He came through on Thanksgiving, proved the doctors wrong about my FIL, worked a miricle for Ruben to attend school when I saw no way HE made one, He took care of thousands of dollars of my medical bills because we do not have insurance. And He has came through so many more times, if HE did all of that, HE will make a way now where I do not see one with my physical eyes.

It looks impossible to me when I look at all of our bills and is so overwhelming when I think of everything that could happen if my husband does not find a job soon. We had no plan B, but I guess that is when you turn to God and follow HIS plan, the one HE has had all along.

I covet your prayers and know that prayer works, so please keep our family in your prayers. And if you have something you would like me to pray about please leave it in the comment section or email me. I would be honored to pray for you and whatever circumstance you may be going through because I know our family is not the only one going through difficult times, some are facing situations that are so much worse. As Christians we need to all come together and pray for each other!

Hold On

Life is ever changing. One day things are great, the next your world can turn on a dime. But you have to hold on to the hand of the ONE who never changes. If you are fearful or your world seems to be falling apart, hold on to His hand. I promise HE won't let go.

Scroll down to the bottom and pause my music player to listen to this.

What I've Been Up To (pics included)

I've been away for a while, reason being I feel like I don't have a lot to say. There's so much noise in my head that I just want quiet. Going through this Lenten season I have asked God to just help ,r talk less, listen more and I have tried to cut out the chatter, you know the conversations you have with people that really mean nothing, so that I can focus more on him. Now I'm not saying you should never have those kind of conversations I think it's vital that we connect with people on that level. However, for me I have needed to just Be Still and listen to HIM and only HIM.

My little sister is in rehab with almost 50 days sober. She's getting ansy, I'm hoping she will stay. I haven't talked with her and not sure my body could make the four hour trip to see her but I send her letters constantly and pray for her everyday. She is not in the best physically condition she needs liver treatments but they won't let her leave the program, she could leave but they would not let her come back, to get them. I know God can take care of that until she gets out and is able to be able to get the medical care she needs.

I have never so much as planted a flower in my life but I decided that I wanted to redo our entire front yard. So I bought a yellow rose bush, transplanted the red one that was already out there and Hubby and I went shopping and did the landscaping this weekend in the mud and rain. When I decide to do something there is no talking me out of it, maybe it's a red headed thing I'm not sure :)
So we bought the mulch and the rock border and the flowers of which we knew nothing about and went to work.
Here is what we have accomplished so far. The first two pictures are the only before pictures I could find and they are of Marissa goofing around.

I didn" like the yellow plants at all, they only bloomed for a few days then died off, so they are all gone now.

Jose and Ruben laying down tarp and stones.

Marissa could not be left out either!

Finished projected sourt of. It will take the flowers a litte while to bloom and grow (if they even do) I"m gonna to get more decorations for the gardens. But I love the red mulch and brick. I will have to take a picture of the whole house when we are done so you can see how well it goes together.

This is the other side we have not done yet, will do red mulch and same red stone. Those are Moses bushes, turn green in summer and red in fall. I think I will keep them. Beside them are my roses, you can't really see them and of course they haven't bloomed yet.

I think we did pretty good for people who have never planted a thing in their life and never landscaped anything before.

But what I found amazing was the feeling I got afterward. I realized this is our home, not the building so much, but it's where our kids will remember planting their first garden and helping daddy make their first tire swing.
We have been here two years but it has taken that long for me to finally realize that it's really mine. I never had a home growing up. We moved so much and could never plant a garden, have pets or paint our walls. So I'm just getting used to the fact that I can do that here.
Our (I say our but I'm kinda dragging my hubby along on this projects) next project is to pain the shutters on the outside of the windows white.

Then finish Rissa's room with bright green and pink polka dots since it's already painted bright piglet pink and she is over Winnie the Pooh.

Well better get some sleep, just noticed the time. Miss you all in blog land. Hope to try and post more and get around to other blogs also.

Blessings,

I'm Still Breathing ( pic to prove it :)

*It's been hard at times.

*But everytime I have cried out he has been there, he's carried me alot this year and it's only Feb.

* I suspect He will continue to do that till I can stand on my on two feet again.

* Storms keep rolling in and He doesn't always calm them but when He doesn't, he calms me, so what more can I ask for.

* I'm still working on myself on "Finding my Way" not sure how long that will take or if it will ever be something that is finished.

* I'm better most days physically, depression seems to set in from time to time but I'm fighting that.

*Starting my first flower/landscaping project for the first time in 33 years, have no clue what I'm doing so any tips for the beginning gardner would be gratefully appreciated. Just have to wait for all this snow to clear and ground to unfreeze. We live in midwest/South really, I want to keep in simple with little up keep but also pretty, so keep that in mind. So comment away my fellow blogger that happen to be green thrumbers! :)

* I have also tried to start knitting, Roo's teacher is trying to teach me, don't laugh, but I have yet to master the slip knot, .......hey I heard that....yes you the one laughing in the background, I will get it though I am a determined redhead! :)

Hope all is well with you. I have missed you all. Just didn't have it in me to right about all that was going on, so I will probably start keeping it short and simple for a while.

In Jan. God laid something on my heart that I really needed to try to do more of......JUST BREATHE....no worrying....no anger,.,..no hurrying.... JUST BREATHE. And focus on all the things I have always said I wanted to do in my life, from the very smallest to the biggest and get those done. I'm not getting any younger ya know.

So I'm teaching my self a lot and learning a lot from others. And working on my relationships with  God, hubby, kids, family and friends because I had let those slide in the last year and those matter most.

So JUST BREATHE!

Let Me Tell Ya 'bout My Guy

This little guy is wise beyond his years.

He's more compassionate than most adults I know.

He has no problems doing the chores I assign because as he says 'that's what family does, we all have to do our part."

He fills my days with joy and makes my tomorrows brighter and he would do that even if he were not mine.

Oh and he cracks me up, like when he asked why his shoes had check-marks on them?

Thank you Lord for entrusting him to us.

My Wacky Wednesday List

*Today I enjoyed the sound of kids laughing down the hall at school.

*Yesterday I got a hipper hair style, the word has to show my age.

*I'm losing more of the weight I have been gaining due to the meds because they have switched me to more meds but with less side effects or shall I say different side effects.

*I'm still going through my spiritual awakening, still not sure where that journey is going to lead me but I have already learned so much.

*Somehow I have lost my spell checker thingy on my blog and I am, as you will soon see, a horrible speller, so spell checker please please return to me.

Starting Anew

Ther have and will be many changes in the next few weeks around here. The direction of this blog will be changing because my life has undergone a lot of changes of it's on. It was just to painful and honestly there was just no time to blog about it on here. I have kept and journal and when and if I fell lead I will ahare some things with you.

I see this blog being more of just jotting things done, funny things, lists, adventures, crazy ramblings, whatever comes to mind. I don't want to put myself in a box and feel pressured to write about any one thing or in any one format because that is when I write about nothing at all.

But I do want to continue this blog, for I have come so very far and continue my journey which started all because of one blogger stepping off her perch :) and stopping by our family blog and leaving a comment. I have continued to be blessed beyound measure.

So this year, I'm starting anew and the words I say to myself atleast 10 times a day is "Just Breath Kiesha, All you really have to do in this moment is take it all in and breathe, one moment at a time." Who knows maybe I will change the name of the blog this year.

Hope to see you around, it's a new year, a new start. There is so much living to do. I hope you all will join me.
God Bless

Multitude Mondays

Sometimes there are no words, sometimes you just have to step back for a while. That is what I have been doing. I've withdrawn myself not only from blog-land but from friends and family. I just have not had the energy to put into anything or anyone else.
It sounds a little selfish and I guess it was. But I needed some time for myself.

God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I've been so focused on my sister and what was going on in her life that I forgot about all the blessings in my life.

God sent so many blessings our way during Christmas. I have a post started about all the blessings we received. Hopefully I will get it finished soon.

But for now I thought it was very appropriate that I come back to blog-land with a Multitude Monday Post.

48. All the I love yous I get from my kids throughout the day.

49. Communication skills my husband and I have learned over the years.

50. Anonymous family from our church who made my children very happy at Christmas. I had no idea that they were going to get the kids all that they did.

51. My son for always making me laugh, he opened his Nike shoes and said "Mom, these shoes have check marks on them."

52. My son's Principal has been wonderful to our family, she is such a blessing.

53. Warm blanket and gloves my children picked out for me for Christmas.

54. Heating pad.

55. Ice cream in the winter.

56. A husband who will help me to color my hair. (he may have just been trying to save money:)

57. All the "For Dummies" books they make my life easier and I love them.

58. Christian music.

If you would like to share your gifts with everyone, hop on over to Ann's.