I just have to say..

... Fibromyalgia SUCKS.
... carnivals are a BLAST.
... my kids make everything worthwhile.
... Newwavecomm is the WORST.
... IPhones rock but cause my posts to be a grammatical nightmare.
... my husbands snoring drives me mad but I love him anyway.
... there are mice in my laundry room and I refuse to go in there until hubby traps the sneaky little monsters.
... it's interesting to me how in person people are so concerned with what "religion" you are but online denominations are rarely mentioned and it's just about sharing the love of Jesus and having compassion for others.
... maybe since I got all that out randomness out I can finally get some sleep.

Wordless Wednesday

KEE

Home-Putting it all Together

I'm exahausted, frustrated, saddened. There are so many questions that only God can answer but He is not at this time.

Don't worry I'm hanging on, just by a thread during some moments but I know God is still the same God I depended on and leaned on a month ago and "This too shall Pass."

Thank you all for making the trip with us, just as I wanted scream at the top of my lungs or ball my eyes out, I would get a comment from one of you saying, "Hang in there Kee.", "Hold on.", "It will get better." You sent me the strength to keep going, God used you all and I am so very glad you let him.

Just keep praying for my FIL, he's not changed his mind about taking care of his diabetes and our talk was a diaster. He made personal attacts out of left field on me and my children. I was crushed for days then I realized that's not the man I've known all these years, he's never treated me like that and I know he loves my children. Jose tells me he has always been like that but I believe people do change and I believe he changed after he grandchildren were born. He's just in pain, miserable and reverted back to his old ways, I guess. I'm still working it out in my own head.

Seriously

Not 3hours into our trip we had a flat tire. We put on a spare but nothing was open to buy new tire so we are in hotel room waiting till morning to get new tire.

The stress of it all brought on two seizures, so now I'm sore and exhausted and wondering what else is going to go wrong on this trip. We are still in NE and the only thing that Is helping me hold on to my sanity, besides God of course, is this IPhone so that I can come here to vent

Thanks for listening even though I'm sure I'm not making a lick of sense but it feels better to get it off my chest.

Tomorrow has to ne better or I am going to digg a hole and hide outbfor a while!

On our way home, 14 more hours to go. FIL stable but things went from bad to worse when I tried to talk to him.

No more tears left.

Just want to go home and hug my babies.

Thanks for the prayers.

Detailed update later.

Prayers ASAP

We made it in this morning around 7am. Thank you God for a safe trip.

I'm coming here once again in need of prayer warriors.I checked my FIL's Log test book at home and found that he has not been taking his insulin at all since we left the last time.

He becomes very irritated and upset with his wife, son and daughters when this is mentionned and has not told his doctor he has not been taking his insulin or checking his sugar.

This is the main reason he is back here and is slowly declining. The lack of control of his diabetes is starting to have an effect on every part of his body.

I spoke to the family and I'm about to go into his room with a translator to convince him to take his insulin. If not we are going to slowly have to watch him die. He feels like his wife nags him, his son bumps heads with him and he won't talk to his daughter about it.

So I thought if I approached it from a different angle he might listen. We have a good relationship and he is the only grandfather my children have.

\We also are requesting a diabetic consultant to come in to talk to him. And we are hoping the insulin pump might be better for him.

\Please pray as I go into his room that he will be receptive of what I have to say.

On Our Way to NE

Jose and I are about to make the 16 hour drive to NE.
Please pray for our trip and pray for what we will face when we get there.
Thank you.

BTW, the pass it Forward event ends tonight. The Mandisa CD is only one of the great things you could be getting
It doesn't look like there eill have to be s drawing,so the next ond to comment will be blessed by some wonderful gifts.
http://30somethingandstillfindingway.blogspot.com/2009/10/you-get-chance-at-gift-and-get-chance.HTML

boy is it hard to type on these bumpy interstates.

A Broken Hallelujah

Since March of this year, this has been the place I have come. I created this place as a santurary for myself. I could say what I was feeling at the exact moment I felt it.

This is where I came when we had move my aunt and mom out of the ice storm. I vented about all the aruguments we got in those first few months. I came here when fear crept in when mom was back in the hospital and things seemed fine one minute and uncertain the next.
Some posts never got published because they seemed to be just for me and God.

Then I got sick and couldn't walk and was scared to death, so again I came here and found a group of friends whom I have never met that rallied around me and prayed for me.

It just seems the theme of this year has been sickness and close calls with family members. It's been an up and down rollacoaster and to be perfectly honest I'm coming here to say I WANT OFF.

I know no one goes through this life without going through hard times and there are a lot of people who have lost way more than I have. But I just want a chance to breath.

I know what it is like to have someone you have never lived on this earth without to die. I know what it's like to discuss with your mom at 16 about her daughters, your sister's arm having to be amputated. Which in the end, didn't matter because she didn't make it anyway.

They had to take my FIL back into surgery because two hours after they brought him out they saw his leg was blue and the bypass had not been successfull like he thought. My SIL had to stand by and watch has her mother had to sign those same papers giving the doctors permission to take her husbands leg if they had to.

So I'm up trying to make plans to get there and thinking the worse. Jose tells me to have faith, to believe things will be ok.

I had faith, when my sister was in a coma for 8 days, I begged God to let her wake up. I had faith when my friend's 4 yr old was in a coma from the same accident, I was certain that out of all of us HE would let her live.
I had faith when my father was dying of AIDS and believed with all my heart that God would heal him if not his body than atleast his heart. That same year I had faith that God would not take my only grandmother until we could make peace.
In 2005, when my friend of 10 yrs who had a 5 yr old son has a heartattack, I had faith I beilieved. And when my childhood friend's father died suddenly, I was stunned, he was like a father to me my entire life.
This past Jan. when my best friend's dad was in the hospital for surgery then had to go back in and laid there dying I held his hand I prayed over him. I had faith that his wife of 50 years would not have to spend their 51 anniversary alone.

I prayed, I believed, I had faith and I'm a little sick of that to be quite honest with you. What does that mean exactly, have faith that God will take care of them, or 'you just got to believe that it will be ok.'

I want to scream, "Okay for WHO?" Who exactly is it ok for when families are ripped apart?

Yes I do know that God knows best, but that's still a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes.

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed and I want a little breathing room. I know I have no right to ask for that. And to some of you this my sound like my own little pity pary and I guess it is but since this is my little place I can have those ever so often.

I'm hanging on by a thread that my husband's father will be fine. They have their whole family intact and do not know what it's like when you loose a part of yourself. I hope they don't have to find out. But I have to prepare myself, I throw myself into planning and taking care of things to make it easier on everyone. And it gives me something to do so that I do not fall apart and all those losses come rushing back one by one like they have tonight.
I have heard so often how strong I am to have faced everything that I have. I secretly life in side, because I fall apart a lot especially if it involves hospitals and funeral homes, flowers, picking just the right music, viewing the body.

No, I haven't given up on God and I never will. He is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind when all these things come rushing back. He has picked up the pieces of my life and put them back together like I never thought was possible but I still question and I guess on times like tonight all I have to offer up to Him is a Broken Hallelujah.



With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Chorus

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

A Heart Full of Relief and Thanks

They have finally completed the surgery. The bypass was a success, they used an artificail tube. It took about four hours and he is now out of recovery. Not sure when they will let him out or where we will go from here but at this moment our family is breathing a sigh of relief and thanking God for sparing an amazing father and grandfather today.

My baby girl is very lucky that the three men in her life love her enough to wear princess hats at her pre birthday party when we were there. And they also let me photograph them.

Thank you Jesus for my family.

Update

We spoke to my FIL nurses and they will be doing a semoralpicial bypass on his right leg. They are having a problem keeping his sugar levels undercontrol it was 300 when he got there this morning.
My husband called his sisters and one will be going but she had brain surgery a few months after Ruben was born and has memory problems (and no I'm not making this stuff up but I had to just laugh out loud as I wrote that).
The surgeon will be doing the procedure mid to late morning and hopeful all will go well and then hubby and I will decide when we need to make another trip there but no kids this time!!!

After we got off the phone, I told hubby to put his coat on and we were going some where. He did not question me. He was still dressed and I had my red mickey pj's on so I put on a long black coat. I think he thought we were going to make a late run to get chocolate it being that time of the month for me and all. But I drove him to the church we go to. People pray there around the clock and you can get in any time with a code. It is such a peaceful beautiful place, we lit candles and went to our knees and both wept in front of the cross. I definitely think after that we will get some sleep tonight and I feel so much peace right now.

Thank you for all the prayers and emails. I work tomorrow but will give you an update when I get home.

Please Pray

My FIL who just had an anjeoplast done when we went there (NE) a few weeks ago is now back in the hospital and not doing well at all.
The big blood clots are back in his legs and they are going to try to do a bypass but with the severe diabetes his has just makes things more complicated.

I can't imagine his mom being there at that hospital all alone scared to death, it's breaking my heart.

Please Please friends pray. I know I proabablly ask this too often but this time it's not for me. I don't know my FIL's relationship with God so please pray for that. I do now my MIL is a praying woman. So please ask anyone who you know that prays to please play for the Quinonez Family.

Thank you so very much.

Who Am I Wednesdays

*I am a sinner saved by grace and still seem to mess up a hundred times a day, thank God that HE understands and still whispers "I am here" every single time.

*I'm a daughter who still wants her mother's approval.

*I'm a Protestant,but really just a Christian, who has been attending a Catholic church for 4 years, which is also where I work and my son goes to school.

*I'm becoming a clean slate and learning that so much I was taught is just not true and it's taken 4 yrs of observation to realize that.

*I'm a grownup who on some days would rather be with kids than most adults.

*A woman loving being back in the workforce after 5 years, even though it's volunteering but I do a little bit of everything and I believe it has helped my illness by giving me something to focus on and accomplish.

*I'm an adult realizing how much of an impact simple things you do for others can really make a difference in their lives and your own.

*I really just want to go back to bed today pull the covers up over my head and stay there for a while and I think I will.

*I'm a little girl inside of an adult that is terrified to lose this woman,my mommy, the one who slowly seems to be slipping away from us. Not so much physically anymore but mentally.



Confession is good for the soul.Who Are You???
Tell me in a comment or post it on your blog & let me know.

Don't Forget to check out my Pay it Forward Contest below this post, all you have to do is leave a comment (up to 4)to enter. There will be three winners by the close of Friday and Roo will be announcing them via video Sat. morning.

Multitude Monday 26-36

Yes, I know I said I was trying to keep my layout but then I was looking at layouts for Daveda and I couldn't help myself. And since it's already 3:30 in the morning I thought I would go ahead and post my Multitude Monday post.

I have not participated in Multitude Mondays in a long time. Times get hard people get sick, then times get harder and it seems like one thing after another comes falling down around you and you forget to thank HIM. You forget, that they could have gotten much worse had HE not stepped in. You forget to see HIM in the small things because you are more focused on the big picture and all the things you would like to fix but have absolutely no power to and I have forgotten lately to even stop to ask for HIS help because I was too caught up in the fear and worry.

So here I am, I come humbly to you Lord to ask your forgiveness for not seeking you first, for accepting the fear Satan freely handed me, for not seeing all the little miracles you have preformed for us lately.
And to tell you how grateful for the multitude of gifts you have given me even when I may not deserve them, you give them freely, just as a Father does.

26-36

*Being welcomed into my child's school and getting to know every one which makes me feel that much better about letting my child go there and has given me more of a purpose.

*For YOUR protection God on Roo when he fell and hit the corner of a bed and gashed his head open, there was a lot of blood but he only needed two staples.

*Fresh Fall air.

*Pumpkin picking and carving with little hands.

*This big window so that I can look out on our two giant trees and watch the beautiful leaves fall to the ground.

*Sparks in my mothers eyes that tell me she is still in there and knows what is going on.

*For my in laws being able to spend a week with the kids even if it weren't under the best of circumstances.

*Pumpkin and Cinnamon candles.

*My aunt who loves to do laundry but loves being my kids MaMaw even more.

*My best friend who just had a recent scare with breast cancer, she is truly my soul sister and has made the last 14 years of my life so much brighter by being in it.

Kee

The Girl I Used to Be

I have been thinking a lot lately. My head feels like a jumbled mess. At times I get so scared of what could happen to those around me I become paralyzed with fear. That's why I haven't blogged much since getting back. I just didn't think I had anything worth saying.

This isn't how I planned my life, I certainly never planned my mom and aunt moving in with us while our kid were still toddlers. I didn't plan my mom being bed bound or my sister not being around to share some of the load. I also did not plan on getting Fibromyhalgia at 33 and having seizures.

No, see my plan was to graduate college, which went according to plan. I then was to go get my masters in social work and somewhere down the line I would adopt children, preferably older.

I never planned that I would meet my husband almost 9 years ago on the Internet, that I would pack up and move to Los Angeles get married in Los Vegas. Then have a son and move back to KY and have a little girl right when our son turned 2.

No, this is not the life I had planned for myself. But thank the Lord He knows so much more than we do. He knows the desires of our hearts.

The storms are brewing all around us but I am hanging on to Him, He is my only hope and He and He alone knows what is best for me and those I love.

I found this poem that I have kept in a folder from a long time ago. I did not write it but it is so fitting. I'm not the girl I used to be and thank God for that!

Hope you enjoy!

The Girl I Used to Be

She came tonight as I sat alone..
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye And questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
All the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising, I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman that I am now
pleased the girl I used to be.



by Rowena K. Lewis

Who Am I Wednesdays

* Someone who is thrilled that my FAVORITE season has started.

* A woman trying to deal with all the weight I have gained and fighting every each not to dump the pills that have caused this down the toilet.

* A friend who does not make as many calls as she should.

* A mother who sometimes wonders if I'm giving each of my children the one on one time they deserve.

* A Christian, scared to death, but digging her way back into the word of God.

* Tired of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, we were in the ER all day today with mom after not even unpacking from our trip to NE from hubby's dad being sick.

* Trusting and resting in HIM, He holds tomorrow and if I can just focus on that it's not so scary.

* A blogger loving all the friends I have made on here and loving being able to open up to them in a way I don't normally do in my every day life with people.

* Mother to this adorable little monkey!




So who are you?
Confession is good for the soul.
Tell me in a comment or post it on your blog & let me know.

No, My Husbad Did Not Feed Me to a Buffalo, Updates and info on a Pay it Forward Post

We have been back home about a week. I have been in bed since last Sunday. I finally started feeling better on Sat and was able to unpack everything.

They did not have to do surgery on my FIL's legs. They did an angeogram? and was able to fix two big blood clots in the top part of his leg.The doctor said he still has a lot of little clots from his knees down.So he's still not doing great but he is better.

They are having a hard time getting his diabetes under control. He hasn't taken his insulin in over 3 years. But now he is, I hope he continues. But his doc. told him he had done a lot of damage to his body already by being off insulin for so long.

I will post more about the 16 hour drive, we made it a two day drive there and back
Also, I will post a pic or two from our trip there.

Thank you all for sending up prayers for us. We weren't sure what we would be walking in to at the hospital, I just kept telling myself, I don't know but God does.

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I do have a Pay it Forward post coming and to tell you about the great gifts I received from a wonderful, beautiful, blogger friend. That will be this week, promise.

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There are so many things that I want to post about. But my head is still all jumbled with too much information as it is.

We are on our way to a doctors app. for mom. She is worse than she was before she went into the hospital. She hallucinating, very disoriented, lethargic.

I just feel that I am getting bounced from one emergency to the next.

Hope you all are well and I will start catching up and reading your latest posts tomorrow.