Sanity, Throwing Christmas Trees, & Grief Groups

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There are days were I have breaks from the pain. I call them my gift from God days. There are the days I can hear the sound of my own laughter and it sounds good, strange, but good. Then there are the days were the sadness grips my heart so tightly I feel I may never be able to breathe quite the same way again.

I'm attending a grief group every week, we only have two more weeks left. I started because they had a group for kids my son's age and having been a Child's Crisis Counselor, I know how important it is for him to be in an environment where he can express himself because he was not talking to me. He was so close to my mom and had lived in a house with her (either we lived with her or she lived with us) for four out of the six years of his life.

It has really helped open up a dialogue between us.
My group has helped me a lot to. It;s heloed me realize and try to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I was before my mother died and people around me will have to grieve that person. I myself will have to come to terms with this and figure out who this new person is.

If you have lost someone close to you I strongly suggest looking into a support group. It's not shameful to ask for help, it's quite the opposite. It takes courage to walk into a room and talk about something so personal. The great thing about a support group though is you can say as little or as much as you want. I was terrified that first night and the first 15 min, I wanted to run for the door. Thankfully I was blocked in or I probably would have. It makes you feel normal to hear others talk about their story. You learn so much just by listening.
I  learned  I'm not crazy just because I want to yell at someone when they tell me my mother is in a better place or when I have flashes of strangling them when they say what a wonderful way to die when they find out she died in her sleep.

 Hey, I didn't say I did these things  just said they go through my mind and people in my group get it. And that's what I need right now, not to feel like I am going insane. Although tonight was tough looking at all the keepsake ornaments we have collected throughout the years and I looked at the Christmas tree and for a minute I wanted to throw it through the window. Yeah, I'm sane alright.

Stepping Into the Holidays My Way

We decorated the house tonight. There are lights, snowmen and angels all around. I had to do it my way though, I couldn't do it the same as we always have. So traditions are having to be altered, new ones made, old ones put aside for now. We have all new stockings, and mostly all new decorations that came from the Mighty Dollar (my all time favorite store).
We will keep the same Christmas ornaments because they are very special to us, we all get a new one each year. Putting up the tree is going to be the hardest because of all the memories the ornaments hold.

No, this path I'm on is not an easy one. My daughter turns 4 just 3 days after Thanksgiving so there is a party to plan. It seems to make the void that much bigger because mom is not here to help plan the party as she has been for the other three birthdays. But when you have kids life does not stop, you have to keep moving, keep living even if you don't feel like it.

I went into our Church today and knelt down and prayed. Not many words were uttered, but I'm pretty sure God heard it all in my tears. I felt a lot better after leaving. This journey is not going to be an easy one, especially in the coming months with all the Holidays but I will find my way the only way I know how....with HIS help of course.

Dear Mama

It's been a little over two months and I am just feeling the crushing weight of losing you. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you calling me but when I get up you are no where to be found. I guess I have been so numb all this time but now that is wearing off and I feel like there is this big hole in my life and I am not sure how to function without you.

You were the one who loved me from day one and never walked away. The one who I could always go running back to when things got tough or I needed advice or just my Mama's arms around me. And now you aren't here and I am so utterly lost. I have my husband and my kids and they are my saving grace as is God but the family I grew up with is no more and that is the strangest feeling in the world. I am the only survivor, I guess I know how you felt now. You were the strongest woman I have ever known and I am trying to pull from the strength I watched growing up.

It's so hard because I just want you back. Nothing seems to have that much meaning anymore. I know I shouldn't be angry at God but I am.I really didn't think He would take you this early. I've buried both my parents now and my only sibling and that just pisses me off mom. But I know you would say "Kiesha, His ways are not our ways." I know Mom but it doesn't lesson the pain or anger at this moment.

I keep going back to that day. My 7th wedding anniversary so exciting and filled with expectations of celebration and i guess if I look at it with my head and not my heart I see that it was filled with celebration. You and Kim were reunited after18 years and you finally got to walk, walk along the streets of heaven pain free.

That is comforting at times but if I'm honest right now, most times it's not.

I'm attending a grief support group, last night was my second time and I spent the majority of it in the bathroom stall crouched down having a panic attack. We were asked to write about the four season, Summer, , Fall, Winter & Spring and how you fit into them and how they will look now without you. Well I couldn't do it, couldn't bear to think of it.

I feel so weak mom, you buried your daughter and went on. There were people in the group that have buried a child or a husband and are left to raise children and they sat there and calmly finished the exercise and here I am running out a complete and utter mess.

I feel a sadness I had only thought I had known. Mom, you were my cheering section, I could do anything in your eyes. You know where I have been, how far I have come, you know what I was like as a little girl, a teenager. No one else on this earth knows that and that makes me feel completely lost in this big world.

I have my kids and I have Jose and we will get through this but it's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have to remember I grew up with the best roll model in the world who showed me what true strength and courage looks like. Someone who picked herself up more times than I can count when it felt like the world was against her and her two girls. She showed the world what she was made of and showed them just what getting down on your knees and crying out to God could do in hopeless circumstances.

So that is what I will do Mom, I will follow your example. I will show them how to hit their knees when they feel they can't take another step. I will do my best to show my kids that in times like these that it is He who carries us. And when I am able to walk I will show them the strength I learned from their Nana.

I miss you Mom from the depth of my soul to the tips of my toes.

Walking Through the Pain

I painted her nails, I was supposed to the night before she died but I wasn't feeling well and told her I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow never came for her, but it did for the rest of us.

So two days after she died I packed fingernail polish remover, cotton balls, and the bright green nail polish that I have on my toes right now. I called one of my best friends and my aunt to go with me.
I walked in the funeral home and saw her beautiful green casket at the end of a long isle.

I can do this, I can do this I tell myself, as I feel my breath being taken from me. Pull yourself together, you told her you would paint her nails green and it's the last thing you can do for her.

I took a deep breath and took that long walk, friend by my side, supplies in hand. I touched her, she was cold. I kissed her head and told her I loved her, then I began to paint her nails.

I had thought I might pass out, but instead the three of us break out into laughter. I'm thinking the funeral home director may just through us out or call the local mental hospital and order straight jackets.

There was no other way I see now. We had to laugh to get through it, we needed to laugh. There would be plenty of time for tears later.

I painted her nails, my friend tried to fix the little mistakes I made while I worked on her makeup. Aqua eyeshadow to match her dress, light pink lipstick, and it took us a while to even out the foundation the funeral home had put on her.

We finished and then while taking the long walk back toward the door I broke down. I doubled over and felt the kind of heart wrenching pain that I haven't felt in quite a while.
I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach but I thanked God for the strength He gave me to get through what I had to do.

I keep saying I don't know how to live without my mother, and I don't. I never have, so why would I know?

But I have to learn a new way to live and it just may be one of the hardest things I have done in a long long time.
I have to hold my son while he cries himself to sleep because he misses his Nana. I have to watch my three yr old draw notes for Nana and inform me that she will leave them on the table for when Nana gets back from the funeral home.

The tears come and my heart feels as if it's breaking into but this is my life and I have to learn how to live it without her, for my kids, for my husband and all those who depend on me.

It won't be an easy journey, it won't be a pretty one. I'm pretty angry at God but as my pastor told me today, HE can take it. I haven't yet expressed to God just how angry I am. I am scared of opening that dam. But it has to be done and I will do it when I'm ready.

I have to walk through the pain, there is no way around it, but there's hope in knowing I won't be walking alone.

We Lost Her Two Weeks Ago

I do think someone may have hacked into my blog, I had no idea because I have not been checking it. Hopefully it's been fixed.

If you haven't read my blog, all you have to do is read the first paragraph of the last post to know what I mean. Never say it can't get any worse, never, and never tell God how much you think you can handle because He will show you just how strong He is.

My husband and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this past Aug 30th. Gifts and cards were bought, even plans of getting away for a day. Things seemed to be looking up, hubby hasn't got a job yet but we are getting by. My mom had been going to physical therapy for the first time in a year. She seemed to have a new lease on life, determined she would walk again. Roo is doing great with guitar lessons and great in school, Rissa's growing like a weed and so is her free spirit.

Then out of no where, my world stopped on Aug. 30. We all go up late. I was thinking about what we would do on our Anniversary. I remember getting up and sitting on the couch in the living room and hearing my aunt saying "Nana (my mom) it's time to take your medicine & start your day."I didn't hear mom say anything, which wasn't unusual because it took her a while to wake up. Jose then comes in the living room and kneels down, I'm thinking it's an anniversary thing but then I look up to see my aunt standing in the door way. She has her fist in her mouth as if stifling a scream & she's crying. I knew it, I knew it right down to my bones but I refused to believe it.

She hadn't been sick, she had been transferring herself from bed to wheelchair, we no longer had to use the lift. She was riding the exercise bike at therapy, there was no way! I ran into the family room where she and my aunt sleep and they told me she was gone. I yelled as loud as I could "Call the ambulance." They said, she's already gone. My brain could not comprehend this, I yelled again call the 911 now! My husband did.

All I could think was I was tired last night and I did not tell her good night and I loved her like I usually did.
The ambulance came, then the police, then the coroner. The Coroner said she had been gone about 7 hrs and it was about 10:00 am. He said she had a heart attack, which now I'm wishing I had asked for an autopsy. Finally when the coroner came they let me go to her until the funeral home came, my husband asked them to give me time with her and they did 45 min. I lay beside her, talked to her, and cried.

I have to be honest, the first week was a whirlwind. I felt very little. The hardest day of my life was the day after when I had to make all the decisions. I have never missed my sister more.
But after that day, I was numb even able to do her nails and makeup. Don't get me wrong I cried but it was mostly for my kids. My son is having a very hard time and they had grandparents day this past Friday. When he found out about mom he locked himself in his room for an hour sobbing and he is only 6.

Yesterday and today have been the first days that is has really sunk in that she is gone. She is the last of my immediate family that I grew up with. She is the last one who can say "oh Roo gets that from his mom, she used to do that when she was little" or "Kee used to throw that same fit that Rissa does when she was that age."

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my family. I just thought I would have my mom a little bit longer. I find myself getting angry with God and I don't want to but I am. I know many of my friends who have both parents, all siblings, aunts, uncles, even grandparents. And I just don't understand. My children will not have grandparents on my side and they are only 3 & 6.

I am broken once again and it seems just as I get my footing back under me it is yanked out.
I know grief, been through it more times than I care to count. I know the stages, I know the deep aching pain it brings and I'm fighting against it right now. I don't want to feel those things.

But this is my outlet, things I can't tell my family, my friends. It's so much easier to type it out her. So I will come her often. Doesn't matter how many people read or if the grammar is correct, I'm getting it out and not holding it all inside. And that I know is ONE of the most important steps in handling grief.

Friday Flashback

This Picture was taken just 5 years ago when my mom flew to Los Angeles when Ruben was born. It's so hard to look at and see how fast she has declined.



This one was taken about a month ago when we were figuring out how to use her lift to get her out of bed and into a wheel chair.



Don't get me wrong I am just thankful she is with us, I just know how hard this has been on her and how much she wishes she could go back to the first picture above.