Full Update and Still Learning to Trust in Him

I know I have been away and there have only been a few updates about all that has been going on in my life. It's hard to explain why I haven't been here, I've sat here many nights with my hands on the keyboard and nothing came out. There seemed to be so much to say that I didn't know where to start so it was easier just to say nothing. But I do miss you all so much and decided I would just start typing and see what came out.

I will update you on all the things you have prayed with me about and all the situations that took place on this journey that you have taken with me over the last year.

My health has greatly improved. They finally put me on Lyrica and found a program that I can get it through for free. It has worked so well for me. I am only in bed one or two days a week compared to five or six. I can walk and have little trouble with my legs. The tremors are gone.
I can get up and do things without being in pain and I haven't had a seizure in about 5 months. Thank you God.

My little sister  (not biological) was in rehab and had been sober for four months. She got out of rehab and relapsed and broke the terms of her probation. She is now serving a 5 yr prison sentence with a possibility of parole in 2 years. Please pray for her and her two small children that are being raised by thier Grandmother, they are 5 and 1.

I'm posting about this situation only because I believe so much in the power of prayer and our family needs it right now more than ever. My husband lost his job recently and it was not in the best circumstances. That experience has put me in a very bad place because I'm finding it hard to be forgiving to some of the people involved.
I know God will provide, he always has but I also can't help but worry. I look back and think about times HE has come through for us, too many to name, but there are a few on here. He came through on Thanksgiving, proved the doctors wrong about my FIL, worked a miricle for Ruben to attend school when I saw no way HE made one, He took care of thousands of dollars of my medical bills because we do not have insurance. And He has came through so many more times, if HE did all of that, HE will make a way now where I do not see one with my physical eyes.

It looks impossible to me when I look at all of our bills and is so overwhelming when I think of everything that could happen if my husband does not find a job soon. We had no plan B, but I guess that is when you turn to God and follow HIS plan, the one HE has had all along.

I covet your prayers and know that prayer works, so please keep our family in your prayers. And if you have something you would like me to pray about please leave it in the comment section or email me. I would be honored to pray for you and whatever circumstance you may be going through because I know our family is not the only one going through difficult times, some are facing situations that are so much worse. As Christians we need to all come together and pray for each other!

The Road I Did Not Take

I recently opened a Facebook account and connected with someone I first met in 2001. We were both fresh out of college and showed up to start our first real job in social services, at the Department of Children and Families. It was a small office of three social workers, a secretary and our supervisor. We became fast friends since we were the newbies and had to go out of town together a lot for trainings . She had been married for about a year and I had known Jose for about 6 months.

We talked about our relationships and how hard our job was at times and about our ambitions. We both wanted to eventually go back to school and get our MSW and eventually be a Department Supervisor for one of the nearby counties. I really had no intention of ever getting married and she really did not want kids.

I have only seen her twice since we have moved back. It's been a few years since we have been in touch.

Well, finding her page brought back a lot of emotions.

See, our lives went in two total different directions. Her life looks exactly like the one I thought I wanted, from the outside at least.

On the computer screen, I saw the life I had always wanted (or so I thought for so long). A Masters of Social Work Degree, Director of Children and family services. Pictures of trips to Mexico, cruises, lots of out of town girl trips.

It was all there on that screen and to be completely honest for a second I wished that was my life.

Because my life took a completely different road.

I worked at DCBS for only a year before moving to Los Angeles to be with my now husband. We were married two years after my move and had a baby less than a year after getting married. We moved back to Ky when Ruben was 7 months. I wanted to go back to work but could not bear to leave my beautiful baby boy especially since there was no one I trusted enough to leave him with.

So I chose to be a stay at home mom. Then had a much wanted and prayed for baby girl.

There are no fancy vacations here and not many girls nights out or even date nights for that matter.
I'm not doing the job I enjoyed so much, the one I prepared so hard for in school.

My days are filled with getting my son off to school, cuddling with my 3 year old and then dealing with her tantrums.
Potty training, singing 'You are my Sunshine', teaching my children how to pray, cleaning house, helping Roo with homework, volunteering at his school, baths, bedtime stories and kisses. And then it starts all over again the next day.

This is not what I dreamed my life would be when I was a Freshman in College deciding on my major. It's not the life I thought I wanted. But this is what I was put on this earth to do. To love my two precious children and teach them about the one who loves and created them.
Peace and contentment is what I feel on this cold night snuggled in the in this room surrounded by Christmas lights and the family I never thought I wanted.

So while I don't have fancy certificates on my wall or photo albums filled with fancy get aways with my husband and friends I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world.

I have a feeling that when we think we know what is best for us and what we will be happier doing, God is just looking down on us shaking HIS head and quietly laughing saying "if you only knew what I have in store for you my child."

I'm happy for my friend and all that she has achieved. I'm in no way saying it's wrong to be ambitious or that you can't have a career and children! I know several women who do both beautifully!

A Reminder of How I Want to Live

This was posted on Jan. 7th of this year. I found it while going through some posts on our family blog. It still hits home with me and though I haven't lived like I wanted to and expressed in this post, I have done better. When I wrote this I had no idea what 2009 would hold for my family. I hadn't a clue that I would get sick, that my mom and aunt would move in and mom would slowly start declining, or that my father in law would be faced with some serious health problems that aren't getting any better.
I was fairly sure that my best friends dad wouldn't make it, although I was hoping and praying the outcome would be different. This was written when I returned from Deb's house (6 hrs away), her dad was still in the hospital.

Tonight I am overcome with so many emotions.


The year has started and I know of several people who have lost someone in the last week or so. My heart aches for all who have lost someone they love and cherish.


My best friend, Deb, and her family may soon have to spend 2009 learning how to live without a beloved husband, father, grandfather, friend and all around American Hero.


Deb's dad is hanging on but the family is going through so very much right now. They are grieving the man they knew and loved for so many years. If he makes it, he may never be the same.


We aren't promised tomorrow but we are promised that God will walk the journey of grief or whatever road we may have to go down, even if He has to carry us.


Grief is such a very hard road.


We all grieve.


Whether it's a childhood lost, the ending of a marriage, having to let go of a dream, or the death of a loved one.


I'm in no way comparing these.


While there is nothing that can compare to facing the finality of losing someone you love, the process of grief is the same.


I've been down the road of grief many times and my heart aches for those who are starting or continuing the journey of grief this year.


I am reminded every day to squeeze every bit of life out of every moment. I want everyone in my life to know how very much I love and appreciate them. I never want to have to face another casket with a list of things I wish I had said.


So my promise to myself for 2009 is to spend the year showing the people in my life how much I cherish them.


I mean really, how much time does it take to address a card and take it to the post office, to send an email, to buy and inexpensive gift, to give someone a hug or just simply say thank you.


I let so many opportunities pass me by this year, opportunities to show the people in my life how much they are loved and appreciated.


I let myself off the hook by saying, "Oh, well I'm just so busy, they will understand." What if they aren't around to understand, what if I don't get the chance again.


So this year, I will drop the excuses and do my best to take every chance I get and show people what they mean to me, because I don't want to be here next year with a list of things I wish I had said or done to someone who is no longer here.


I haven't followed this like I wish I had but I think being sick and facing so many life or death situations this year has reinforced my desire to live life this way. I pray I never forget just how short life is and that no one is promised tomorrow.

KEE

Mom, God & Pink Roses

Thank you all for praying. I read your comments while waiting for them to find mom a room and they all really touched my heart. Shayla, you're right I do believe that verse was meant for me. It amazes me how God uses all of us in blog land to lift each other up with our prayers, words, songs and scriptures.

Mom's blood pressure and oxygen levels were dangerous low. She also has a bad kidney infection. They pumped antibiotics and fluids in her. She is still not eating or drinking and keeps saying she feel weird. So I have no idea what may be wrong or if's it's just the kidney infection. Her blood pressure is still low but not dangerously so.

Thank you again for your prayers, I did not fall apart. As soon as I stepped into the ER yesterday I immediately went in daughter protective medical mode. My aunt doesn't always ask the right questions and or push the way I do. She's a little more laid back and quiet when mom's in the hospital but I know I can't be because we have had too many mistakes made by doctors and nurses.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
I specifically needs prayers that my symptoms would stop at least until we can get her home. My aunt stayed with her last night and I am going to relieve her at lunch. I have to go shopping and run a bunch of errands that can't be put off any longer. And my legs are trying to give out on me, and my hands start trembling now and then. And my skin feels as if it's on fire. Usually that means a seizure is right around the corner but I'm not claiming that today. I know God can stop these symptoms dead in their tracks and I know HE will get us through this.

Every time mom goes into the hospital my thoughts go to my sister. How I wish she were here to make this all easier to carry. Sunday is her birthday, she would have been 35. On the way back from the hospital last night, I couldn't stop thinking about her. And so I let myself go there for the 10 min ride and had a little cry.

When I got home I went over to my neighbors house to let them know how mom was and when I got to their door I saw this beautiful tall rose bush full of beautiful pink roses. Now I have went to my neighbors door a hundred times and there has never been that many roses on that bush. I really haven't ever noticed them before.
I immediately get chills and tell my neighbor when he comes out how beautiful they are. He immediately takes out a pocket knife and cuts the fullest most beautiful rose that is there. (He did not know my sister and knows nothing about her, not even her name).

Pink roses were my sisters favorite. I buy them every year on her birthday.
Now it's sitting on my table. A reminder from God that HE sees my pain, he saw the tears fall in the car, HE sees the void that grows a little deeper when mom is sick.
And HE reminds me she's not that far away after all.

Blog of Contradictions

Sometimes I feel as if this blog is one of contradictions. One day it's a happy hopeful post and then the next it's me complaining, tired of fighting my body, fearful of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

But it's honest. And I think anyone who has dealt with this kind of thing can relate, or at least I hope it's not just me.

My good days are really good and my bad days are really bad.
I have been volunteering at Roo's school two days a week in preschool. The teacher understands my limitations and always makes sure I don't over do it.

Well the principal informed me that the office may need my help from time to time, which is fine with me. It's been great just feeling like I'm accomplishing something other than house work and wonderful to see Roo's face light up when I see him in the halls.

But today the main office Assistant was out so it was just me. Well I had to deliver mail to all the class rooms, answer the phone, play nurse, type a lot, and do a little bit of everything. It got really bad and hubby had to bring my meds to me.

I didn't let anyone know, except for telling them I was checking roo out 30 min early and going home once the office assistant came back because I wasn't feeling well. I just didn't let them know how bad it was.

I was able to drive us home and collapsed on the bed and had a mini seizure. That wasn't really the worst for me. It was knowing that I can't do the simple task such as run an office for a couple of hours. It's the fear that I will be confined back to this house, to my bed.

I want to be involved in Ruben's school activities, the PTO, the Fall Festival, all the things I dreamed about when I thought about having kids.
I couldn't even go to his first soccer practice tonight.

So I did what any woman would do, curled up with a bar of chocolate, there was no ice cream in the house, and cried and cried and then cried some more. A pity party I guess you would call it.

I hate not knowing and the ups and downs of this illness.

I know God hears me but I'm feeling like I did a while back that my prayers aren't getting through. I do cherish the days when I get to LIVE fully with them but I guess that makes the days when I don't even harder because I know what I'm missing.

Anyway, if you feel so lead please pray. I need peace and to know that it won't always be like this and even if it is HE will give me the strength to handle it.

Mistaken Identity

Carrie's comment on my wordless Wednesday post brought back some memories. She stated that me and Mee Mee aka Lometa looked a lot alike and asked if we had ever been mistaken as sisters. Well, everyone thinks we are sisters. We stopped correcting them oh about 8 yrs ago or so.

But in college we didn't get mistaken as sisters, nope, we got mistaken as the same person. All through college people called me Lometa and her Kiesha in passing or even in conversation, even our professors would do this from time to time.

But the best was when I went to the records office to pick up my transcripts, it was a small private college and I knew the lady working in there that day. So I just tell her that I need to get my transcripts. She looks them up for me, prints them out and hands them to me. I think nothing of it and head back to the dorm and then glance at the transcripts and it's Mee Mee's. I stood in the records office for 15 min at least talking to this women that I had talk to many times before and she still gave me Mee's records.

Now I do admit we look more like sisters even than me and my sister Kim, but the same person? That is a stretch. I have the curliest hair on earth and she has the straightest, and our face shape is different, and I'm at least 2 inches taller than her. She has brown eyes and I have green eyes, she tans I do not. Sisters I can see, but the same person. We still laugh about it 12 yrs later.

I just made this one for her from her trip, got to get it printed and sent.
I always have said that God knew I needed another sister when he took Kim, not that anyone could ever replace her but Mee is the closet thing and God-knew I needed her. (I have another non-bio sister, my little sister that I also feel like God sent me but that is a whole nother ballgame, she gave me my precious nieces but she's not on a good path right now and I havn't spoken to her in a while.)

I just wished Mee Mee lived closer.
But Roo says every night that he looks at his room and thinks about how much Mee Mee loves him.

I will post final pics of his room tomorrow if I get a chance, I will be by myself with both kids tomorrow for the first time in a long time so we will see if I have any energy left :)

Yes, She's Done It Again

OK, so I know someone had a bet going out there on how long I would leave my blog alone. And I'm pretty sure Sheryl won that one.

I was working on Girl Child's blog and I couldn't help myself when I got finished with hers. And the bad thing is, I know just enough to be dangerous on here.
I lost my three blog column while messing with mine, I remember how long it took to get that third column and decided that for today I like mine just the way it is. Besides the background that I have doesn't come as a three column one. And 'a journey to forever' could not be more perfect for this blog at the moment,' don't quote me on that, if it's gone tomorrow. lol EDIT: By the time this post was finished it was no longer the layout 'a journey to forever' it was 'monkey see monkey do', fun wins out everytime, plus that layout was hard to read the posts.

It's a good thing I do them myself, even though they don't look professional and all, because if I paid for them I would be blowing money every month, that's about as long as one has lasted.
Although the one on our family blog has lasted a while now and I have no plans to change it because it took me FOREVER to get it all pulled together.

Anyways, I'm rambling. I do that when I don't want to talk about what is really going on. Though I'm sure if you have been here long enough you already know that.

I will be 33 tomorrow. Age has never really bothered me. I guess I got another perspective on age when I lost so many in the same car accident I survived (at 16). So I have embraced every year I have grown older knowing it was one more that they didn't get, so I better enjoy it and live it to it's fullest.

This year seems a little different because I don't feel like I am able to live life to the fullest, well not what my definition of that used to be. I don't know what is wrong with me, just that I can't seem to control my body and I'm only 33. The medicines seem to be helping. I can walk more, with the use of buddy (my walker) and speedy (my wheelchair) if I have to go long distances. I can even at times go around the house without either but not for very long.

I don't know what God is doing but I do know He's up to something.
I was looking back at some of the first posts on this blog and I found this one, my very first. It was most appropriately titled, Starting This Journey Here is an excerpt:

In 2008, I started following other blogs and went on journeys with women who lost their babies, faced divorce, dealt with serious illnesses, and even the death of their spouse. I was touched by the way they shared their pain so openly and honestly and I saw that it was a part of their healing process and helped others to heal also.

I wish that I had would have had a blog when I had to face certain challenges and tragedies in my own life. There is nothing worse than facing a tragedy head on feeling completely alone. Even if you know Jesus as you Lord and Savior, it's still hard.

Only God knew when I wrote that what was up ahead for me and only He knows now. He also knew that I would need to take this journey with all of you.

So I thank all of you for coming here. Because when God told me to start a blog that was just for me, Him and only others I did not know personally and He said people would read it. I had to laugh, yes I laughed at God. I hesitated to put up a followers button for the longest because I just knew no one would follow. Now I have 10 and it amazes me. Yes I know in the blog world 10 is nothing but to me and God it's everything. Your support uplifted me in the hospital and your prayers comforted me when the doctors just shook their heads.

And in the days or even years ahead this blog will be as it has been since that first post, a place I can be me. A place I can express myself, find support, give support and feel His presence all around me because I know this is a place I built with Him.

Edit# 2 Yes I changed it one last time. I finally found the layout that went with my button but my header did not match so I spent forever on it and just now at 10 pm got finished. Atleast I haven't been bored in bed all day but boy I'm I gonna be in pain tomorrow, I can feel it already. Going for a nice long soak, wished it were in bubbles but no, it's Epson Salt.
Have a great day girls, I will eat some birthday cake for ya :)

The Real Me

I believe this is why God put it on my heart to start this blog. So that I can find the real me and discover how to show it to the world and not be ahsamed. And maybe just maybe my journey will cause someone else to take their mask off too.
Don't forget to pause the music player at the bottom.

Inspiration in a Little Girl's Eyes

As most of you know, I'm on a journey to find myself, step out of my comfort zone, discover just who I am, not who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, caretaker, aunt, sister, homemaker and friend, but as a woman , an athlete, an artist, a writer, a beginning chef.

Before I started on this journey I would not have used those words to describe myself, I would have used the first ones, wife, mother, daughter, sister,and homemaker.

I am all of those things but I am discovering that I am so much more than that.

I'm looking around my world, including my new blog world and I am taking the time to be inspired by things and people that I would not have taken the time to notice before.

It's been an amazing experience and it's just beginning.

As some of you know, I did not have an idea childhood. My father was physically abusive to me ,my mom, and my sister. At the age of 6, He tried to kill the three of us. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. I remember feeling the bullet go by my ear and the windshield shattering in the car.

My childhood was about survival, it had very little to do with fun. It was about getting through the day without setting my father off.

There was no time or energy left for anything else. So one of the things I did not do until I was 12 was learn to ride a bike. At that point I was so scared and I only rode it a few times and then just gave it up.

Well, a couple of weeks ago my dear friend that I have met in the blogging world recently, Carrie, posted a video and pictures of her 5 year old learning to ride without training wheels.

There was something in little Emily's precious eyes that touched me to the core. It was pure joy, complete fearlessness and freedom. She was so proud of herself and her sweet free spirit shined through her eyes.

I can't explain it completely but it touched me in a way that I would have never thought possible because it was something so simply. A child learning to ride a bike without training wheels, kids do this everyday. And yet this time it stirred something inside of me.

I realized in that moment what I had missed as a child. I never experienced that pride, that freedom, and fearlessness.

So Emily inspired me to start looking at bikes. I found out that they are not cheap and I don't like to spend that kind of money on myself so I figured it would be a while before I would get my bike.

Then Sat. my aunt and I decided at the last minute that we would go to a few yard sales. We pulled up into the first driveway and what do I find.... You guessed it... a bike. A 15 speed bike in decent condition.

I got on it (said several prayers) and I rode it. It was amazing I felt free, young and childlike.

So now Roo and I go bike riding daily. Our dog goes with us also. It's a great bonding experience for Roo and I.

Now if I could only find a way for Emily to inspire Ruben to get rid of his training wheels, there has got to be a way Carrie and I could make that work :)

Thank you Carrie for sharing your sweet little girl on your blog with all of us.

This may sound strange but I feel a connection with her and I hope she never looses that light that shines so brightly in her eyes.

So what is it that you could do to step out of your comfort zone, try something new and different? Look around your world everyday and I assure you there will be something to inspire you to be better, have more fun or just find something you love that you never thought you would.

Who Am I Wednesdays

*I am the red head with glasses that got picked on throughout my entire school life.

*I'm the little girl who used to dig for Worms in our backyard.

*I'm the little girl who cried and prayed every night for God to just let me go to sleep and not wake up because of the abuse in our family.

*I'm the one whose big sister was her whole world for 16 years, always protecting, always making me feel as if I belonged.

* I'm the girl who has written songs and poetry since she learned how to write, but has never showed a single soul.

*I'm the 16 yr old whose world was shattered when a car accident took her sister and two very important people in her life.

*I'm the 18 yr old who was determined to go to college despite her disabilities because I heard my sister's voice in my head saying "you will go to college even if I have to drag you."

*I'm the 23 yr old who celebrated her birthday by getting her first and only tattoo with her best friend in memory of her father.

*I'm the 25 yr old who moved to Los Angeles after a meeting a guy online. (He's now my husband)

*I'm the 27 yr old who got married in Vegas.

*I'm the crazy lady who traveled on a plane with a husband, a 7 month old and two screaming cats in cat carriers in the plane with us when we moved from CA to KY. (sorry if any of you happened to be on that flight in 2004, I'm sure you still remember if you were.)

*I'm the 30 yr old who was totally put sleep with her second baby and had a baby and gallbladder taken out at the same time.

*I'm the 32 yr old raising two small children who moved my disabled mother and aunt in, who is coming up on 6 years of marriage and taking it one day at a time.

I invite you to tell me who you are either on your blog or on here. If you do it on your blog just let me know in the comments section. I'm not doing the Mr. linky thing right now, that may change but for now it's not about getting a bunch of people to follow my blog, it's about getting to know a few.



MAY WE ALL HELP EACH OTHER FIND OUR WAY

Starting This Journey

We have had a blog since my son was born in 2004. We were moving from CA to KY to be close to my family and we wanted a way that our friends and family could keep up with us and watch Ruben grow.


In 2008, I started following other blogs and went on journeys with women who lost their babies, faced divorce, dealt with serious illnesses, and even the death of their spouse. I was touched by the way they shared their pain so openly and honestly and I saw that it was a part of their healing process and helped others to heal also.

I wish that I had would have had a blog when I had to face certain challenges and tragedies in my own life. There is nothing worse than facing a tragedy head on feeling completely alone. Even if you know Jesus as you Lord and Savior, it's still hard.

I admire so many blogger chics out there, some I have been in touch with and some I haven't, being able to just be themselves on their blogs and I don't feel like I can be transparent on our family blog because it's more about my life as a mother and wife. And that is a big part of my life and while I love being a mother and wife and couldn't imagine not having my kids and my husband, there is so much more to me. So much I have experienced, so much I have seen and more importantly so much more to learn about myself, my God, and all those who choose to follow me on this journey.

It may be only one or two who choose to follow and that is ok because the truth is this blog is more for me than anyone else. I have things that I've never gotten out and I'm not sure I have ever learned to be a truly authentic person and at 32 it's about time I learn to be honest with myself about who I really am. So it starts on this blog and hopefully will translate into every part of my life.

So the journey begins.

I thought I would start or end some posts with a confession.
So here it goes:
Confession #1
I consider myself to be a Christian but know that I don't always conduct myself accordingly.
I don't regularly go to church, at times my prayer life only consists of meal time prayers and a very short prayer before bed. And honestly I can't remember the last time I opened my bible.

I do love God, I want to have a closer relationship with Him. Maybe His prompting me to create this blog will do just that.
I wasn't sure what in the world I would write on here but I started writing in a notebook and wrote 3 posts already. So I guess this is what I was supposed to do.



MAY WE ALL HELP EACH OTHER FIND OUR WAY